So, I keep getting crushes on my managers.

[ImJustWingingThis]

Regular, name changed because this is both outing and a bit embarrassing.

I'm having a really amazing time at work. I'm being affirmed and encouraged by my managers to apply for promotion, which feels amazing. It's the first time in my life I feel like I've been seen as something other than a sex object.

But I am letting the side down hugely in a really trivial but big to me way. I keep getting crushes on male bosses. It happened in my last job too, and I've noticed it occuring in other settings in my life with men who have a certain amount of authority over me.

I feel totally ridiculous because it's such a schoolgirl, nonsense thing to be worried about, and I'm trying to understand the dynamics too. I have no intention of acting on any of this, because I want to do well in my career, but I would really rather not have to deal with this kind of crap and I'm hoping that maybe asking the wise women of FWR about what might be going on in my head from a feminist perspective, I might be able to adopt some strategies for rising above...

Doubt we will be able to tell you what is going on in your head- we aren't psychologists....
So you automatically fancy all your male managers? Okaayy. I don't really know what to say to that. I guess you can't help it and you say yourself that you won't act on it, so maybe just live with it? I highly doubt you would fancy my manager. He is not crush-material, so maybe come and work where I work. If you think it's a serious problem, maybe counselling could help....

Is it a crush or just warm feelings misinterpreted? A sudden rush of positive feelings towards someone could feel like a crush, I guess?

I think this might be a good one for Relationships. My guess would be it's to do with your relationship with your father?

Why is this in FWR?

"It's the first time in my life I feel like I've been seen as something other than a sex object."
That's an interesting thing to say. Perhaps, if you have been conditioned over time to the idea that you are just a sex object to men, you have dealt with this by - well, kind of despising the men involved? And not being used to not despising them, you are, as Turph suggested, misinterpreting this as a crush? (Sorry for the double negative there, struggling to express myself here.)

Also, if you've been conditioned to see all male-female personal relationships as sexualised, it might be you're struggling to establish a non-sexualised relationship here?

Just batting ideas around here, please be aware I know nothing!

I think the fact that you are aware enough of your own feelings to recognise that something is up with your subconscious, means that you are already rising above it, iyswim?

Obviously, I odn't know what's going on in your head but...

Could it be partly due to a sort of (misdirected) gratitude and imposter syndrome? Because while it is great that your managers are supporting you, you do realise that they are not putting you forward for promotion etc as a favour don't you?

I would bet money that the things you are achieving at work are due to your own hard work and talent. It is in your company's and your manager's own interest to promote the best person for the job - you!
You do not "owe" them what your subconscious thinks you owe them.

I think it is fairly common for women to feel attracted to "powerful" men - whether this is due to socialisation, or innate, or a combination of the two is a moot point; feeling a random attraction for someone does not mean that you would be happy in a relationship with them!
The fact you said "It's the first time in my life I feel like I've been seen as something other than a sex object" leaps out at me, and is quite sad (sorry). Being seen by others in this way for so long is going to have an impact on the way you see yourself, so it should not be surprising that your subconscious is misbehaving!

Also, you are not "letting the side down" with your thoughts. You know how inapropriate it would be to act on them, but attraction can be a weird thing we can't always control. Thank goodness that as human beings we do have self control over our actions though!
You probably don't really want to act on your feelings anyway - that's the impression I get from your posts anyway.

Have you had many platonic friendships with men?

It's the first time in my life I feel like I've been seen as something other than a sex object.
So why not embrace that and stop making work about sex again?

I've noticed it occuring in other settings in my life with men who have a certain amount of authority over me
Oooo okay.

Not really sure what to say about the schoolgirl comment.

Relationships is over there ——>

It’s been pointed out in another thread that I may need some better things to do and haven’t been that helpful, so I thought I’d try again here.

Honestly - you do need to separate work and sex.

I think it’s a bit sad that this is the first time you feel valued as something other than a sex object, but it is a huge positive and you need to hang onto that.

Are there any women at the firm in senior positions who can mentor you?

It's the first time in my life I feel like I've been seen as something other than a sex object

I think you need to address this. Despite the mentions on here of women being the "sex class" unless your previous employment was Page Three girl the world does not actually work on the basis of all men seeing women as nothing more than sex objects. This is your perception, not reality.

Are there any women at the firm in senior positions who can mentor you?

The OP would have to take a good long look at hersef before I would get involved in mentoring her.

I did once have to deal with someone who was convinced she was irresistible to the men in the office and what a pain that was.

Go and talk to a therapist OP, then you’ll have a chance to work out what’s going on. I’d suggest a psychodynamic therapist for that kind of issue.

If you find yourself in the wrong situation with the wrong person then you may end up acting on the feelings and that can end in an almighty mess.

Oh FFS I’ve managed to name change to a grammatical error.

Ha. How old are you and what is your relationship experience? As a previous poster said, it is not unusual for women to fancy powerful/competent men, and loads of women end up marrying their boss, though there are obvious risks there!

I think you will probably grow out of it. Just don't shag your boss in the meantime, especially if he's married.

Right, that’s better.

I don’t think feeling like you’re valued for your potential as a sexual being rather than for your work has very much to do with thinking you’re irresistible - I imagine it’s more like feeling that’s the only currency that you’ve got.

It sounds like a bit of a self esteem issue. What was your relationship like with your dad? Do you feel a bit like your only value to men previously has been sexual so are maybe feel really grateful to men who appreciate you for other things?

It's definitely self worth. Try to work out why you don't value yourself the way you SHOULD!! You're searching for something these men can never give you.

With regards to mentoring - it goes without saying, but DO NOT divulge your management crushes with anyone else in your workplace, female or male, senior or otherwise. I understand why you asked online, but be very careful asking for advice in real life (a therapist is a good call).

I know that's really obvious and you know it already, but thought I'd mention it just in case.

Sounds like self esteem to me too. Gratefulness for the recognition and validation getting mixed up with admiration when you are used to or expect to be treated badly. Any change to that is bound to cause a rush of confused and unresolved emotions.

I can see how these emotional reactions could feel quite immature because, I guess, they are. That is OK. You can work through it.

And that is not to say that the men aren't also giving off some kind of sexual vibe - hoping for favours in return maybe, that you may be picking up on without really being aware. When I was younger I was so naive about some men's motvations and didn't realise that many were angling for sex or to be favoured in return, I just thought they were being nice! The later it all comes out. NAM etc etc.

I think counselling (proper counselling) would be the best thing OP.

Thanks all! Fwiw, I don't think I'm irresistible in the slightest. I don't want to go into too much detail but suffice it to say that no, my life has not been a great example of men behaving particularly well.

I didn't put this in relationships because feminism has been invaluable to me in sorting my shit out - I think the suggestion of counselling is actually very helpful, though.

I suppose I'm just a little frustrated because I thought when I finally got to the stage in my life where I got some recognition for my skills and abilities, my emotions wouldn't behave like I was 17 again. Yes, the pp who talked about certain things being my only currency was right on the money.

Anyway, you've been helpful in reminding me that I've got to where I have because I'm good at my job, and that misplaced gratefulness is probably clouding my judgement.

Don’t give yourself a hard time about it OP, there are so many parallels between relationships at work and in families, that’s why this joins of thing happens. But do something about it because at best it’ll be a distraction and it’s fairly likely that at a subconscious level other people will pick up on it which won’t be helpful.

To find someone to talk to with the proper registration, look at the UKCP (www.psychotherapy.org.uk) and or BACP (www.bacp.co.uk) websites.

Another person puzzled as to why this is in FWR. I'd report your own OP, and get it shifted to relationships.

Because as the OP has said, twice, she specifically wanted a feminist perspective.

You can have a feminist perspective on anything, the board isn’t restricted to a pre-approved set of topics.

It sounds like the issue is the OP’s personal relationships, but those don’t exist in a vacuum, they exist in the wider context of power relations between men and women. The personal is the political and all that.

I felt this when I was younger OP.
I’d worked my arse off in a competitive, academically challenging industry. I had an enormous amount of respect for and envy of some of my bosses that it felt very visceral and passionate.
I’d dream about them sometimes.

It’s a difficult transition in your twenties/early thirties to allow yourself to identify with your intellectual value instead of your physical attractiveness.

It’s not you, despite everything we’ve achieved on paper, it still feels personally hard to change the narrative that you should be a good nurturer.

I had an absolute blanket rule of not shagging anyone in my industry, which helped enormously.

This is interesting op. I reckon finding a therapist to work this through would be an excellent thing to do to help you understand yourself a bit better. I've done it myself for other issues, it makes a big difference. Sounds like you are taking the first steps to dealing with it by acknowledging there is a problem.

Sometimes work is exciting, intellectually and emotionally. And sometimes people's intellectual excitement spills over into sexual excitement. I think it's quite natural. Having crushes on people who value your intellect and your work isn't unusual. I think the feminist angle is mostly about recognising what you feel, why you feel it, and how you want to act in response. As a feminist, when I have feelings like this I want to use the excitement and energy to make my work as good as it can be. By all means enjoy the crush, but channel it so that it benefits you professionally.
Gosh, I hope that makes some kind of sense.