Be kind

[IAmNotAntiWoman]

What does "Be kind" mean to you?

Should people pressurise others to "be kind" when you see "be kind" is working against your best interests?

What can be said to the person pushing "be kind"?

Not if it means they want me to roll over and let them steamroller my rights and safety.

If it's an instruction from someone*, it usually means being a push-over.

• more often than not, someone not looking out for my best interests

I say it to my DC a lot. Then it means thinking of other people's feelings as well as your own.

Applied to myself as an adult, yes I try to be kind and considerate towards others. I do not think this has ever worked against my best interests (either personally or professionally).

Can you give us a bit more detail?

Who is usually doing the asking?

Depends on the situation.

It's being kind to let the other person choose a chinese restaurant, even though you really fancy an indian meal tonight. I'll still get something delicious to eat, after all, and I'll get to choose, next time.

It's not being kind to let the other person insist on going to a specialist fish restaurant, despite you not eating fish, because you know if you don't do what they want, they'll sulk and the evening will be ruined (and it'll be all your fault).

Being kind is something you do voluntarily, I think. If you're told to be kind, then it's not coming from the heart. An imposed rule of "being kind" usually means one person sacrifices for the sake of another. Without balance and fairness, "kindness" is a very effective way of controlling people's behaviour for fear of appearing "unkind".

Depends largely on how it's used.

Sometimes it's meant as a short way of saying be compassionate, be considerate of others and their feelings. Fair enough. A basic value of 'I want to be kind to others' is well intentioned.

It is in the gift of the giver; so there is choice, and it is something shared by the more powerful to the less powerful. In that sense, there are times when it carries a sense of being patronising. For example it's one thing to expect people to be kind to kittens, but asking them to be kind to a disabled person or a refugee group starts to get a bit uncomfortable in the disempowering and sentimentalised way it's framing the recipient.

It is also sometimes a 'nice' sounding word meant to shame people into releasing their boundaries, for example a child asked to play nicely with their bully and be kind, or women being told to put aside their own sense of privacy and bodily autonomy to prioritise the feelings and best interests of others. That isn't healthy for anyone involved.

An imposed rule of "being kind" usually means one person sacrifices for the sake of another

This

Being kind, in my upbringing, meant thinking about other'side needs even more than about my own
Kindness is over valued in girls and under valued in boys. I never learned to identify my own emotions and beliefs and therefore to become truly assertive. Not until well into adulthood.
Now, I believe myself to be kind and open to listening. But I will not be manipulated. So, for me, assertiveness allied with kindness is the ideal.

'kind' now means 'pedophile' to me. Apparently it's the word they chose to try to redefine themselves. Associations with 'kinder' etc.
Sorry for derail, but can't see the word any other way now.

People generally confuse nice and kind.

Kind - is telling the truth considerately

Nice - is pretending the truth doesn't exist eg telling someone what they want to hear.

Kind - is maintaining and asserting your own boundaries whilst considering another person's

Nice - is ignoring your boyndaries to do what they want.

My friend summed it up nicely yesterday:

Kind is dealing a blow softly. Nice is denying there is a blow to be dealt.

I think that sums it up.

Always be kind. Avoid being 'nice'.

plants spot on. I'm better at being assertive now, but was trampled on for decades. On a personal note, being kind, for me, was deciding to cut all contact with an emotionally abusive and bullying sibling. I decided to be kind to me.

@LazyTuesdayAfternoon your explanation is perfect, you have summed up what I think way better than I could have done!

"That which is hateful to you, do not do to others."

(Rabbi Hillel, just before the time of Jesus)

It's what "Be kind" means to me.

You can take it further, into Love Thy Neighbour, or further yet, into open-hearted generosity. But, fundamentally, it means acting with mindfulness and consideration.

But there are always arses who will impose Be Kind. What they mean is diminish yourself, lie back and be a doormat because you're not important.

I feel no obligation to be kind to anyone actively working against my rights. Muddying this with general goodwill for one's fellow human beings is manipulative and emblematic of abusive behaviour.

@LMMontmomery

I strive to always be kind - nothing wrog with considering another person's feelings

I'm never 'nice'.

Even when someone is actively working against me, I'm 'kind'. But that's about respecting myself. I don't give them an inch though.

feel no obligation to be kind to anyone actively working against my rights. Muddying this with general goodwill for one's fellow human beings is manipulative and emblematic of abusive behaviour.

This. Written on 1000 vile phallus shaped stickers and plastered all over London.

Nice used to mean particular about the choices they make.
I think it should be used that way since the current meaning is meaningless.

For women being kind to strangers can carry a high price so I do not suggest it. Courteous is a reasonable substitute, I think.
Say no politely, and then say leave me alone really really loud.

LangCleg, what about They Go Low We Go High? To my mind that fulfils 'Be Kind'.

I thought this was going to be about "Kindr" as well.

If the mods were kind they would put all these transgender posts on a separate board instead of letting transgender advocates fill up the front page of FWR with them.

@Ereshkigal

What are you on about? Why is a phallus vile? My hubby quite likes his, thank you.

The stickers were declared "vile" by the transgender advocates.

What are you on about? Why is a phallus vile? My hubby quite likes his, thank you.

It was a joke about Pink News.

LangCleg, what about They Go Low We Go High? To my mind that fulfils 'Be Kind'.

Well, I'm unsure what is "kind" about sticking up for my rights without resorting to the male pattern abusive behaviour that characterises anti-women activism. So no - I feel no obligation to be kind. I'm just not a walking talking embodiment of the Duluth wheel and/or threatening livelihoods and physical violence, which, to my mind, is a pretty low bar for "kind".

I always come back to ‘is it kind to ask teenage girls to get changed/ shower for PE in front of the boy who has changed his name to a girl’s name and is wearing a skirt?’ NO. Deeply unkind. And then I extrapolate from there.