Brother has announced he's got gender dysphoria

[supportforsister]

Long time poster but have namechanged for obvious reasons. I'm not really sure if it belongs here or in family.

Last week my youngest brother (22) told our family that he's bisexual. We've suspected he may be gay for some time so not a huge surprise and very little reaction although my father is silent on the matter as opposed to 'supportive'.

Yesterday he told us that he's got gender dysphoria and wants to explore living as a woman. It didn't go down well with my parents- straw that broke the camel's back I assume! In 13 hours he shaved his legs, armpits and face, put on a woman's blouse and has started talking differently 😳

He's got mental health problems, is an habitual cannabis user and he's got a group of friends who think it's cool to be 'different'. He's never shown any signs of gender issue- if anything until he was 18ish he was a stereotypical 'boy' into cars, video games, bikes etc then at around 19 became more supportive of LGBT issues and seemed less interested in all his hobbies.

I can't support him anymore. I don't 'get' the trans thing and I feel it's more like he's schizophrenic. He's made a public post on social media calling me (and others) transphobic (I'm in an SLT position in education- I can't afford that reputation so would never be open about my feelings on trans) and his friends have all started telling him to cut us out etc.

I'm not sure what I want from this post really, I just feel like it's something I can't talk to people about in real life. I feel like I've lost a brother overnight but he's not dead so I can't grieve, I want to protect my two young kids (daughters 8 and 2) from it all and my husband thinks it's a big joke.

OP, you cannot expect your sibling to keep your views under wraps for you. If he has to experience your non-acceptance personally, you have made it part of his experience too.

You cannot know what he's feeling. So you can't make a judgement on how valid it is. You certainly cannot tell him that you have a better, more valid take on his feelings than he does. It sounds like you are more prepared to accept he's gay because you personally have thought that he might be. But in fact, your perception of him is neither here nor there. All of his feelings are valid. None of them are needing to be rubber-stamped by you. It sounds like he is living a hellish existence. Whether you think he's on the right road or not, you have no right to tell him which parts of his experience and feelings are valid, according to you. People did this with homosexuality back in the day and look how that turned out. You're not passing laws here. You're dealing with a human being who you have the power to profoundly hurt. Don't be a dick.

@heartsease68 I haven't done anything transphobic for him to have 'suffered' - I've asked him to consider the stress he's putting our parents and elderly, unwell grandparents through. He's mentally unwell and drug addicted.

It seems that he's had 20 years to make this decision but we have to accept it with no questions immediately.

It's easy to preach when you're on the outside and it's not your family being torn apart.

@RedToothBrush I'm so sorry for your experiences. I don't have to worry about being 'replaced' as my parents have taken the opposite standpoint to yours; I'm more concerned that my brother will now spiral.

I'm not ignorant to the risk of suicide being higher in young men, trans people and cannabis users; he's all three.

In what way is the OP tearing her family apart?

Please ignore anyone who calls you a dick, a bigot and is trying to gaslight you. You’re family is being torn apart. If your brother has mental health issues that is not your fault. If your brother smokes weed, that is not your fault. If your brother is alienating his family, that is not your fault. You are perfectly right to question why this is happening.
This tears families apart and you obviously care enough to seek support here. Being rude to you is an act of aggression but the person who is doing this is trying to bully you.

heartsease68

Don't be absurd. The OP has told you that her brother is schizophrenic, paranoid and a drug addict. With zero history of gender dysphoria. The last thing she should be doing is unthinkingly affirming him in everything he says.

This is the entire problem with the trans-ideology. It's not a golden ticket to global affirmation ffs.

And it's nonsense for you to claim that the OP is responsible for the effect of her brother's behaviour.

*Datun8

you're living in another planet if you think anything good can come from the brother's current choices. However, the sister has the choices to react however she wants. Her brothers news, on its own, will not tear her family. It will change it certainly, but not tear it away.s]
If she takes personality responsibility, the OP has the power family dynamics

However, the sister has the choices to react however she wants. Her brothers news, on its own, will not tear her family. It will change it certainly, but not tear it away.s]

How exactly would you, a random internet trans advocate, know this about OP and her family?

heart

If she takes personality responsibility, the OP has the power family dynamics

You're telling the OP that she has to "take responsibility" for her brothers choices?

That she "has the power"?

Here's a grip - I suggest you take it....

Honestly you're posts are both unhelpful and inflammatory.

OP you've thankfully had some good advice on here but I'd strongly suggest you ignore hearts input, which is quite frankly seemingly designed to provoke a reaction from you.

Whether or not this is genuine for him, you have no business being such a bigot

What utter crap. The op is concerned about her brother. That doesn't make her a bigot. Your statement makes you an arse though, imo. Behave yourself.

OP I did wonder whether to post this but wth....

I have definitely seen a correlation between transition and a backstory of other conditions - mainly narcissism in my case.

To be clear I have no professional or familial experience. I have however worked and socialised with a number of trans women.

I won't go into detail but if I'm honest, all but one seemed to be enamoured (and played on) the attention and power their newfound trans status gave them.

It's a big part of the reason I came here....

Lots of people are blindsided and fearful of being perceived as transphobic, even when the demands of the person in question are obviously inappropriate.

I know it's been said before on FWR but Monty Python nailed this years ago and I'm not talking about the sketch about "she has the right to bear children" - more tbh that some people need to hear that they are not the messiah, just a very naughty (or rather very poorly wrt MH) boy.

I would really concentrate on the mental health and cannabis issues. Having seen this in the immediate family I know the combination can have disastrous effects: mood swings, psychosis, demotivation, inability to hold down a job, self hatred, depression, poor diet, self-neglect in terms of not washing etc, obsessive use of pornography and prostitutes, great unhappiness.

Did he start smoking it heavily when a teenager?

Obviously there is only so much you can do. But I assume he sees a CPN. Maybe worth researching the possibility of other help that may be available for cannabis psychosis, even if privately? The mental health boards might help. I would see that as the main issue and the trans claims as subsidiary and adopt the ‘that’s nice, how are you feeling otherwise, are you eating ok?’ type approach, ie focus attention on where it is really needed, mental health and physical well being and personal care. Lots of sympathy for your family.

This has obviously come as a shock to you, as you say, to you it’s seems quite sudden, however they’ve probably been dealing with these feelings for some time and tried to bury them.

They have a journey ahead of them, transition isn’t necessarily the end goal, but they have to work that out for themselves.

You, also have a journey ahead of you, you need time to decide what sort of relationship, if any you want with them. Either way I’d recommend finding a local support group or even asking your GP for counselling so you can discuss your feelings with people who can help.

Posting here probably isn’t going to help as views are very polarised and that’s not really what you need right now.

Take care of yourself throughout this and remember that no matter what they are still your sibling and they won’t suddenly turn into a monster because of GD.

Your dad is silent on being bisexual (silent treatment or "just" disapproving?) and you say you "can't support" any trans issues.
Wow. Maybe he's been miserable trying to hide it from you all these years knowing how you'd react? Just a thought, that's all.

heartsease68

I don't understand your post. I haven't said good will come from the boy's choices. Quite the opposite.

His choices are not the responsibility of the OP. Women are not responsible for men's choices. Why do people keep saying they are!

It's quite possible to be supportive of someone who suffers gender dysphoria and finds relief from dressing/acting in a particular way, whilst still being personally gender-critical and refusing to be "gaslit". Inasmuchas your sibling's choices don't harm you, be loving and supportive. You can't fix people. It's not up to you to change anyone's mind.

If you are asked to do/say anything that does harm or disadvantage you, then you can say no.