Small beans everyday sexism

[tsonlyme]

God I’m still annoyed 24hrs later.

I had a very unpleasant procedure in hospital yesterday (I have cancer) and afterwards, whilst I was traumatised and vulnerable a (male) nurse winked at me as he passed my bay.

Inappropriate, no? My (male) partner, when I got as riled up as was possible in the state I was in, said a wink is not always sexual but it felt demeaning. I doubt he’d have done that to a male patient.

I’m not sure why it pissed me off quite as much as it has, possibly a bit of deflection about wtf is going on with my body but grrrrr. Men! I’m throwing my hands up in the air in exasperation.

I am sorry you feel that way and that your partner didn't support you in the moment.
I am even more sorry that you are going through cancer.
Please take care of yourself.

To address the winking point more broadly, I personally don't think I would have taken offense at a wink per se, although it is context-dependent. I actually quite like them. TBH I am probably really biased because I sometimes wink at strangers of either sex (always meant non-suggestively, more like an "inside joke") and I am a female.

It would piss me off too, OP. It's condescending, isn't it?

I'm female, and I just might wink at someone who was having a hard time, to show sympathy. You know what the circumstances were at the time, though.

I wink at folk, I thought I do it as jokey "hello". Most often with a dib dib salute. I'll need to stop! it hadn't occurred to me that folk would think it sexual.

(Totally worrying now!)

It's interesting how we interpret/react to other people's actions at specific times, especially when we're under stress.

Last year my mother was admitted to a hospice on what was to be the last day of her life. One of the male nurses (who I think was probably gay, for a bit of extra context, i.e. I don't think his subsequent action was remotely 'sexual') came in and introduced himself to her and to us. As he spoke to mum, he kissed her on the forehead (she was not really conscious, by the way).

I was somewhat uncomfortable about this. Later, however, my brother said how touched he was by it.

Different reactions. tsonlyme , it's your right to feel uncomfortable about the incident. I'm not convinced it was 'sexist', however.

Thanks for the replies. It’s highly likely I overreacted given the circumstances but I’ve always been uncomfortable being winked at by men. Women less so although that’s rarely happened in my life 😁

My best wishes for your treatment.

I'm wondering if this is very much a personal context thing. My parents are working class, and would both use colloquialisms like 'love', 'chick' etc, and a wink and a clicking noise, maybe accompanied by a thumbs up, was a common greeting or acknowledgement in a very general sense. I think I have probably done it myself in the past few weeks at work, though my version is less of a wink and more of a nod.
That's not to belittle your reaction to it, more to reassure you that there may well have been no sexism and instead entirely friendly intent behind it.

I understand how you feel about the wink. I don't like it either.

Do men wink in that way at other men? Not that I've noticed. When men wink at other men it seems to be more conspiratorial, nudge-nudge-wink-wink-know-what-I-mean-how's-yer-father-matey.

When men wink at women it feels either tamely sexual (more subtle than a wolf-whistle) or infantilising. Though that may not be the case with a man you know very well, already have a healthy relationship with, platonic or otherwise.

(((Hugs))) for feeling mis and scared. Hope the treatment goes well.

Yes I can understand your feelings. Winking can be so many things and I think a normal kindly smile would have been more appropriate and easiy understandable for patients that you don't know, even if he thought he was just being a cutsey cheeky chappie or something. And you know, in hospital where people are feeling crappy and scared, he ought to think a bit harder about how his behaviour may be received. But you will be the best judge of his overall body language OP

Many best wishes for your treatment

tsonlyme I am so sorry to hear about your cancer trearment.

I have no isea why the nurse winked. I"d like to assume it was not sexual.

A wink seems to convey different things to different people.

To me a wink conveys a secret or understanding two or more people share. A parent might offer a child advice before a football game or exams or a first day ay school. Then as they drop the child off they wink, conveying - don't forget all the things we talked about.

So if the nurse had said before the op, you'll be fine, then winked afterwards, to me that would seem to say 'See I told you it'd be ok.'

A wink can also be used as a sexual come on or to highlight a sexual joke, as in nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more!

For this reason it does seem a very inappropriate gesture in a hospital.

VickyEadie I agree. I'd be really uncomfortable if a nurse kissed my forehead (or any part of me, or any part of my nearest and dearest in hospital) whether male or female, gay or straight. That seems highly inappropriate.

Thanks everyone especially for the good wishes.

I think there were several factors at play having considered your responses.

He was the only male nurse on the ward, older and behaving like he owned the place which irritated me before the wink. I have no idea if he actually had any authority but I got a bad gut reaction about him.

My mother was a terrible snob and I still have to pull myself up on things ingrained in me from childhood so maybe class had a part to play.

And I was vulnerable.

It’s interesting to me to pick it apart because it obviously bothered me far more than a wink should have.

Like a few people on this thread, I wouldn't be bothered by this, I'd read it as "aww, mate, keep your chin up" (though if anyone actually said keep your chin up to me, it would annoy me on the grounds of pure banality)

But I totally get why you were annoyed. Hopefully reading poster responses will reassure you both that it was a completely understandable and reasonable response, that lots of people don't like it and find it either condescending or too sexually loaded for appropriateness, but most of all that it isn't worth dwelling on! x

I agree with you that he wouldn't have winked at a man. i also think that winking in such a situation is broadly speaking inappropriate across the board. I'm sorry you hare going through a difficult time and have to still deal with supposedly professional people who don't understand how to behave appropriately.

I get you.

I was absent-mindedly humming while hurrying through a supermarket the other day. Person is walking alongside matching my fast pace so I allow person to pass. This person then comments, 'Someone's in a good mood'.

On the face of it harmless. One guess which sex the person was though. The person who breezed on by, oblivious to the fact I had slowed down to let them past without saying thank you? In the unlikely event of a woman commenting on my humming ( I didn't realise I was humming 😶) I 'd put money on it being done with a 'Oh it's so nice to see someone who looks happy' vibe.

I know I'm probably overthinking this, but it did strike me as slightly cheeky and patronising and just not something another woman would have done, or as you say OP, not something a man would have said to another man.

Are you on steroids OP btw? I found that my mood was all over the place during treatment for cancer what with being on and off steroids, painkillers etc.

Very best wishes.

Yeah, I wouldn't have liked that either and I wink at people a lot. But I don't wink at people I don't know, or people who are significantly younger than me. And I don't think it's a good idea for HCPs to wink at patients. Because it can be misunderstood.

Your gut reactions are there for a reason so I wouldn't say you're over-reacting.

Best wishes for your health.

I'm not sure about the class distinction....certainly not considered a "working class" gesture in my world.

I find that offensive!

birdbandit, I'm just speaking from my experience, and mentioned my background as personal context. I certainly wasn't suggesting working class people go around winking like they've run out of optrex all the time. It was just quite a common thing in my background.

From subsequent posts, the OP clearly had a couple of other misgivings, and of course, should trust her instincts.

I dont think a wink would offend me, but kissing on the forehead seems a bit patronising/overfamiliar.

In that extreme state of vulnerability women have a right to expect care and respect from those who are supposedly professional care givers.

I am so sorry he did that to you.

Thanks again everyone

Rogue - no steroids, it’s a new diagnosis and no treatment has started yet, not a nice time.

Apologies if the class thing offended (even though I didnt mention it first ). I constantly have to check myself for my mother’s snobbery and sometimes I get it wrong but I can laugh at myself when I realise (and apologise).

I had another instance a couple of weeks ago, I was sitting in my car with the windows rolled down and my bag on the passenger seat, I was in a very smart & safe area of my city (where I work not live!) and a man stuck his head through my passenger door and told me to move my bag before someone snatched it. Obviously being a generally safe area doesn’t make it immune to crime but I was ‘wtf?’

He absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt, would not have done that to a man. I gave him short shrift at the time but when I recounted it to a colleague she said he was just being nice and I was a grumpy cow

Meh, nobody ever told me that cancer makes you intolerant of male arseholery.

You're totally right that he wouĺdn't have said that to another man.

Very best of luck with your treatment. I hope they get you started soon. This will be the worst of it probably. The waiting is horrid.