Teenage girls and mothering

[BlingLoving]

I have recently spoken with two women who have teenage sons who, for whatever reason, are "difficult. One has ASD and the other has significant behavioural and (probably) MH issues that they haven't got to the bottom of. Both currently have girlfriends. And both mums have commented to me that the girlfriends are really good for their respective sons.

The one with ASD says her son's girlfriend is very good at helping him to calm down and be less angry and crazy.

The one with the behavioural/MH issues says that they like the girlfriend because when she's around the son is calmer and "nicer" to everyone and is also more likely to do things like homework.

And it just occurred to me that teenage girls are being slotted into these carer roles when they are still very young. It's not clear to me what either of these girls get from the relationships. And certainly, I wonder what the girls' parents think about the fact that the girl has to, in affect, look after her boyfriend to manage and control his behaviour.

Is this just me? Am I being over sensitive because of two recent conversations? I just can't help feeling that this idea of girls as being responsible for men's behaviour and for preventing them from behaving badly seems to be happening from a relatively young age and that adults are simply missing it? I know that for DD, I would not want her dating either of these boys if I felt that she was having to sublimate her own desires or thoughts or feelings to keep the boy calm?

It reads like the girls sat next to boys in schools in order to "calm" them

I wouldnt be happy if it was my daughter otoh I dont think the mothers of the boys are doing wrong - lots of people are easier to live with when they are happy so it may not be clear if it is happiness or care work by the girls making the difference.

No, I don't think you're being over-sensitive at all and I do think girls are put into these roles very early on in subtle ways.

I always remember my DD being paired with an out-of-control boy at junior school for a project of some kind because she'd be "good for him". I went ballistic at the school because it was clear DD was not only doing the actual school work but also having to do emotional work to look after this boy. It was complicated for me too because DD's black so I'm conscious of the race, as well as sex, issues in these kinds of situations.

I didn't know about feminism back then but since I became woke (a word I recently learned from DD) to it, I've noticed this sort of mothering behaviour from teenage girls everywhere.

One of DD's friends has a boyfriend and she's really proud that she's been told she's good for him. It made me sad but I couldn't really say anything as I overheard and it was a private conversation!

I think that these are just two isolated incidents that by coincidence you have discussed one after another. When I was in school there were just as many boyfriends 'taking care of' their girlfriends, thus would range from relatively normal gentlemanly behaviour (like making sure that they got home safely, hold open doors for them etc) to being a lacky (being at their beck and call for a ride, giving their girlfriends money on request and so on) to the carer type roles (constantly available for girlfriends who were emotionally unstable, checking in on girlfriends with eating disorders throughout the day to make sure they had eaten, doing homework for girlfriends when they claimed to be to depressed/anxious/upset to do it etc). Its not about sex in my experience, just certain relationship dynamics that should be acceptable being accepted for inexplicable reasons.

It's hard to answer because I can only refer to what I've seen personally. My two sons, 23 and 25, both have long term girlfriends. The younger one takes on a protective role to a certain extent, as his girlfriend has been living with us since they were 17 due to abuse in her family. She's more vulnerable than he is.

My older son's MH is not great and his girlfriend is supportive, though she's not expected to care for him.

I do notice among my sons and their friends that boys/young men seem to talk more about their feelings and be more aware of supporting each other than in my youth.

I'll overhear them saying something like "Luke's really down since he split up with Amy. He needs to get out. Why don't we ask him bowling tomorrow and perhaps do something next week too?" It's sweet to hear them so concerned.

Prawn and RaceCar - those are good points and quite helpful because I was getting quite outraged. But I actually do recall when young that there were also boys who had to taken on a caring role for a girlfriend and can see that happening still today.

Well as a PP noted, teenage girls also do have a tendency to suffer from MH problems (obviously a feminist issue in itself, and I think we’ve had several posts on this before) and often their boyfriends do look after them. So it’s not always just a one-way street.

Anecdotally, as a teen I had my own quite serious MH problems, resulting in occasional hospitalisation. My boyfriend was “depressed” (though somewhat selectively, I see with hindsight) and “hated” his (perfectly normal) family, and this was all we talked about. I don’t recall him ever asking about my own issues, although he was well aware of their existence. He repeatedly threatened to kill himself when we broke up - but didn’t, of course.

I do think it’s undeniable that many, many boys are raised with the expectation that they must always be cared for by a woman. You only need to look at the Relationships board to see how many husbands have chosen not to even attend acquiring basic life skills, so sure are they that they’ll never need them.

What I saw in my youth was young troubled men being looked after by GFs and young troubled women being looked after by their friend's mothers.

My sample is small and self selecting though!

Is this just me? Am I being over sensitive because of two recent conversations?

It's not you. The girls were groomed from infancy for the caretaker role.
All girls are groomed to take care of males. For some girls the grooming does not take and they unpack the conditioning of a lifetime to become fully realized adults.

MrsTerryPratchett you've reminded me of the young girl I'd forgotten. Me.

I spent half my time until I was 30 trying to understand troubled young men. The other half I spent with emotionally healthy young men (like those in my family)

I convinced myself that I could cure their angst and put up with all sorts of shit from these wasters and lowlifes while making excuses for them. I rather suspect it's misplaced maternal instinct. I grew out of it, thank goodness, and married a lovely bloke.

We all forget that young woman Prawn

Thinking back I spent too much time 'fixing' handsome but messed up young men. Oddly it abruptly stopped when I starting working in the field. All my caring went to work and I dated more functional men!

What I saw in my youth was young troubled men being looked after by GFs and young troubled women being looked after by their friend's mothers.

In my case it was my mother who took on that role for my friends, and as a result you'd think I'd have had plenty of wounded birds to tend to at home, but nope, still managed to find myself a male one early on. And then realized that "angsty romantic tortured soul" can sometimes mean "deeply dysfunctional person who doesn't really want to change because why should he?". Luckily at that point my mum was able to step in and remind me to put my own lifejacket on first.

We're all trained to do it, it's just a matter of how long it takes to shake off that conditioning. Having a trusted adult point out the pattern early on can help speed up the process.

put up with all sorts of shit from these wasters and lowlifes while making excuses for them

I deeply regret wasting part of my life on one of these.

I wish I’d had an understanding of narcissism, because it fits the person down to the ground. Had no contact for years but his online presence is dripping with it. He now has young daughters

Hi OP,
I really think it goes both ways.
My DD is in her late teens and does 'mother' her boyfriend but not in an caring and gentle kind of way...more in a quite dominant way. Her boyfriend is often immature and although she is happy with him, he's a boy and she's a woman in terms of maturity. I admire her for that because nobody has told her to assume the role of 'kicking him into gear'. She does it because she's strong in herself and what she expects from her boyfriend! So I don't think the 'mothering' necessarily is a bad thing because some of the strongest women I always think of them as being independent with high standards for the men they're with!
My DS is with a girl (they're in their early twenties) and she's sometimes very emotional and a bit of a loose cannon. DS definitely keeps her grounded and calms her down when she's getting wound up. He takes very good care of her and although it may sound one sided, I know she takes care of him too.
It's a good point you've raised though OP and has made me look at some of the relationships I've been in. I think the 'mothering' is often instinctive in relationships especially with young adult boys. But thankfully in all the cases I've known, the woman has taken on that role because she's wanted to and not because of any pressures!
Sorry if this was a bit muddled!

It definitely works both ways.
Like a few PPs, I recall quite a lot of situations where girls who were fragile, damaged, depressed, stressed, abused in some cases, down to just being drama queens about their parents, being cared for by their boyfriends, probably more so than vice versa in my personal experience.
I agree society grooms women for caring roles, but in this situation I think it's a bit of both.

I never cared for anyone until I had my babies. I must have missed the female conditioning class.

I am massively lacking in empathy though.

I was the one that was off the rails and 'saved' by a boyfriend.

I can't say I remeber girls having to care for boyfriends at school but as adults I definitely see sensible level headed women hooking up with wasters and low lives that they think they can 'fix'.