How do I talk to my daughter about this?

[dolphinsmakemecry]

My 13yo daughter decided about two months ago that she was gender fluid, after her best online friend (they have met and are very close) declared them self to be trans. This came totally out of the blue and didn't fit with how she was before.

Now I see from her Instagram account that she is declaring herself trans as well.

I have tried to listen sensitively, have discussions, be supportive but also have questioned some of her thoughts and assumptions behind her his.

This evening I have seen in a Skype message to her trans friend that she has called me homophobic and transphobic. I am shocked, tbh. She is sarcastically quoting me saying how I have worked with a trans person (M to F) before and was kind and respectful to them, as I am to everybody.

I don't know how to talk to her about this. At the moment I am hurt and upset - we used to be so close and this is driving us apart.

This may not be about gender-fluidness, it might be about wanting to get some distance from a parent as a way of asserting independence.
I once wrote down in a teenage diary the words 'fathead' and 'smother' to mean father and mother even though my parents were in fact perfectly lovely.

@dolphinsmakemecry

I am so sorry, my dear friend is going through this with her daughter.

It must be hard, just listen and be open to her, but don't encourage her to rush ahead. She may well grow out of this, but I think trying to argue the case with her too much may drive her closer to this.

If you search here there are other parents talking about this in the Parenting LGBT children section on Mumsnet. You may get some good advice there. A lot of girls are going through this. It is very common. Search Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria for more info.

'I don't know how to talk to her about this. At the moment I am hurt and upset - we used to be so close and this is driving us apart.' Try not to think of this as too personal.

PS I think arguing it is not real for her may push her further into it, keep things light. This is just my opinion.

It seems to be some sort of trend with the younger ones at the moment. If your child genuinely feels they are transgender then I would recommend to have a long talk with the entire family.

However that message is very out of order. I would definitely recommend to not let your child communicate with that "friend"!

Thanks. Her phone has been taken away for the time being until we work through this somehow. We certainly don't like the influence of this friend but DD would be utterly devastated to be cut off from him/her completely.

It's hard to know how to react.

It's becoming fashionable now to be trans.
When I was younger it was wondering if you were a lesbian.
It's normal trying to fit in with peer stuff, to look independant from your parents.
At 13 she is very impressionable and you can still steer her in the right direction.
I'm not saying that trans or lesbian is the wrong direction, but there must be thousands of women who look back at that age and remember some of the confusion they had.
Her behaviour towards you is totally unacceptable, whatever the reason and if this was my dd she'd be off social media and of course the friend would probably be gone if this was the influence of the behaviour.
Some would call it controlling their life, in a way it is, but we as parents are responsible for raising nice, lovely children

OP, maybe steering her to rl friends might do the trick. Does she have friends at school, maybe organise some sleepovers or days out in the holidays to encourage a deeper friendship with the ones she has.
It would be the way to make her give up on this friend without Mum making her.

You could ask DD to signpost you towards some reading/advice about this - it shows willing on your part and also recognises that DD is worthy of asking advice and you value her opinions.

If she directs you to TRA awfulness then you know what you are up against at least. Try and direct her to Transgender Trend (be very gentle and discreet about this!) the best thing you can do is get her really thinking about this (but away from TRA influences) but don’t push back hard because it will push her into their waiting arms, i think you need to prepare yourself for a long ‘softly softly’ path here.

Gillybeanz - unfortunately she doesn't have particularly good female friends at school. She lost several friends when they moved away between primary and secondary school, and she's never gelled with anybody in quite the same way. She's gone fairly 'anti-girly girls'.

Underhereye - that's a good idea to ask her for resources. I'll see what she says.

Check out 4th Wave Now. I wish you well, can't imagine how distressing this all must be for you.

Spartacus - thanks for those resources - they look great.

I can sympathise OP, my dd lost all her girly girl friends as she just isn't into the youtube crap, love island and other falseness.

Can you encourage her with a hobby where she can join a club, it sounds like this online friend is just a detraction from getting out there and meeting people.

When I spoke to mine although she wasn't confused about being trans, I told her the facts.
You don't know until you are older because hormones are all over the place at this age.
Find a book you can read together and obviously tell her you are fine with whatever she decides as long as she's happy.

"Try and direct her to Transgender Trend (be very gentle and discreet about this!"

I bet that trans youths network with each other somehow and that they regard Transgender Trend as anti-trans, possibly transphobic. It is easy to underestimate youths. In any event, Transgender Trend advertise as material for schools, not for trans youths, and I don't think directing your DD to it is helpful.

It is easy to believe this is all about your DD. It isn't. It is about you too. In opening the box labelled gender identity, she (since those are the pronouns you use, I think) has opened it for you too. My advice is that you need to work out how you feel about it now that it is a family issue, no longer just an abstract one. Once you are sure in your own mind what is and isn't sensible, what is propaganda (on either side) and what is genuine, you will be in the best possible place to help your DD.

Hi dolphinsmakemecry

I'm really sorry to hear that you and your daughter are at odds and I can understand that it's hard. As others have said sometimes young people want to find a thing that makes them different to you and maybe this is her thing, maybe she is saying she is gender fluid to fit in with her friends and that's fine int it she is just trying things to see what fits her. Her consept of gender is different to yours and maybe wanting to understand her position in a Open and honest way while still holding yours would be the way to talk to her about it but if your view Is fixed then unfortunately she is going to see you this way. My mum uses language I have problems with all the time about immigrants and her view is fixed on this issue so it's just who she is.
Can I just caution you and others on introducing things like transgender trend thinking that they will not know what it is as the other poster as said they are well aware of all your groups and publications having talked to a number of them and yes they do talk to each other about all of this like young people always too. Not all of them are so reactionary about it though there initial responces often are when we have discussed it with them they are able to clearly work through your points and show why they believe there wrong and why you might hold those views

One piece of advice from other parents who've been through this seems to be minimize the kid's online time, and try to spent as much time with her doing in person, real life fun stuff as possible. It sounds very much as if the online friend may be influencing how your dd thinks about this stuff - a bit of a break might help her to work out what her own feelings and opinions are and what's coming from friends/wanting to fit in with them.

And no, it's not inevitable that your dd will see you as a bigot forever. There are plenty of parents who've worked through this with their kids and come out the other side with a stronger relationship - check 4th Wave Now, there are several there and it's a very supportive group in the comments.

OP. How worrying for you. There are lots of parents in your position. Transgendertrend talks about 'watchful waiting' and 'kind acceptance' which seems to be the way to go. I suspect that many teenagers will ignore websites suggested by their parents so I wouldn't worry too much about that.
As well as trying to limit (as far as is possible) her time online I'd be ensuring that she has as much positive activity as is possible off line. The fact that this has come via an 'online friend' suggests elements of 'social contagion'. It's the holidays coming up and , especially if she's a bit isolated from her peers, then I'd be making sure that she's occupied and getting involved in activities and anything that encourages her 'sense of self' as opposed to who she is online. Do you and she go out together? Cinema, coffee out, a drive somewhere? Sounds simplistic but she's more likely to talk when relaxed and it grounds her more in real life, not online. And as others have said, I'd be very casual about this. Limit the discussions. She's exploring - that's what teenagers do.
And remember, transphobic literally means, anything that I hear that I don't like, so I wouldn't worry about its use. Good luck

Totally agree with AngryAttackKittens on this (will not make this a habit lol)

Thanks everyone- I appreciate all the input. I'm trying to think of activities to get her more involved in but there's not much she's interested in. Anyway I will keep working on it.

gendercriticalresources.com/Support/

Is a forum for parents. Set up by the Gender Critical Dad blogger mentioned earlier.