Fuming

[opheliatickle]

Just been told by two men on a single parenting fb page that I should leave my 5mo and 2.5yr old with their dad in the family home because I don't want to live with him anymore after he has ended our relationship but he refuses to move out unless he gets 50/50 equity. I am still breastfeeding and cosleeping with my children and they think this would be in the child's best interests?!

I am just so sick of these MRAs who can give you chapter and verse about their rights but care nothing of their responsibilities.

They think they can just treat women as rentawombs, totally disregarding the physical and emotional dynamics of a mother-child bond. It makes me sick.

What makes it worse is that other women on the page were Liking their comments.

With the way the laws are around child access these days a man is actually favoured over the mother of his children if they are unmarried. Another erasure is women's rights and women's biology.

I feel I am the natural primary carer to my children because I carried them, birthed them, breastfeed them... it's a cliche and a double edged sword, I know, but to say otherwise I feel would diminish the importance of the mother child bond, afaic

Okay, there's a whole other debate in itself here. Yes, while you are breastfeeding, it is a biological function of course and there is a bond, but it's not helpful to girls, boys, men, or women to say that only women are natural carers and that men can never care in the same way women do. It definitely is not a radfem position either . Yes, women give birth and breastfeed, but all humans are equally capable of care but what stands in the way is socialisation and women being raised as carers and men as providers (or whatever they do these days- playing playstation?).

I do appreciate here though that you are the primary carer at the moment and that your earning capacity has been affected by this and that you would face hardship if you were to move out.

Ok can I put it another way?

Being a mother and all of the sacrifices that entails, physically; emotionally and financially, as well as the biological, hormonal processes that are set in motion by motherhood, make it a unique experience that does not impact men in nearly the same way.

I'm not saying that motherhood suddenly sanctifies you, but it does make you incredibly vulnerable in all kinds of ways. For that reason, society should respect and protect mothers (and by proxy children).

I believe that society should protect all primary careers, yes, and that means it should protect mothers. However, giving birth and breastfeeding does not explain why it’s alwahs the woman who many years later is responsible for homework, PE kit, buying birthday cards, caring for elderly parents etc. How is that due to biology?

Biological essentialism is not good for women. However, caring should be supported and protected as a genuinely socially valuable activity.

For that reason, society should respect and protect mothers (and by proxy children)
Ok im going to take the bait.

Unless your name is Mary of Nazareth you are not the only parent.

As the child of parents who spilt amid much hatred, bile, chess playing using us children as pawns, and general nastiness, from both sides I would ask you put your kids and their wishes above your own resentment at the end of a relationship and the current situation.

It may not be a very "feminist" view, but as a person who's been trough it, I wouldn't wish it on any child.

I know I am not the only parent. I've been made painfully aware of that.

I just don't see the benefit to women, in an already unequal society, where your unborn baby has more rights than you do (try buying something innocuous from the pharmacy when visibly pregnant) in saying the father is by default as entitled to the children as the mother.

I understand that acrimony is very bad for children, but it seems men have all the rights to threaten to take women to court if they don't get access, but women get called vindictive or malicious if they try to protect their children from lousy dads.

But that's digressing I know.

in saying the father is by default as entitled to the children as the mother.
He's the father. As far ad I'm concerned he should be entitled to his children as much as the mother.

For the sake of the children.

As long as the father isn't a pedophilie, rapist or guilty of dv why shouldn't he have 50% contact? He pays 50% of the expenses, he gave 50% of the DNA and kids need both parents.

I'm sick of ppl using their kids as pawns just to get one over on their ex.

I don't want to use the kids to prove anything, but I don't think children should be sacrificed to principles either.

Is it really best for the children to be ferried back and forth like loaned library books?

Do we really know that 50.50 is best for the kids or would they benefit more from having a primary home?

I don't want to use the kids to prove anything,

Imo that's not what transpires from your posts. I don't think children should be sacrificed for ones own ego and bitterness. But there you go.

Hmm not sure what is so offensive about my not wanting to be told by a couple of men that I should abandon my babies to settle a financial dispute but there you go,

Sorry for rubbing you up the wrong way Amalfimamma.

I feel I am being asked to defend a position I don't occupy.

I have never once said I don't want my children to see their father, however that doesn't change my feeling that mothers are more emotionally vulnerable than fathers where young children are concerned.

Yes women do leave their children, or give them up, all the time, but nothing like on the scale that men walk away from their children, some never to see them again.

I don't know why it is necessary to be so cruel.

Totally agree..we had a lucky break from an absolute nightmare situ wen my ex(who had refused to move out despite ending our relationship/not wanting to'play'dad anymore)met a young girl online&moved overseas to be with her..every cloud😊.10 yrs later after no contact both my daughter&i consider ourselves the lucky ones wen i read about some of the crap women are put thru..happily forgo maintenance/shared care for a quiet life free of abuse..thats just our situ tho&i truly found it110%easier doin it all solo than 24/7 mental trauma sharing a home with a sociopath.
Good luck&big hug&give that fb page a wide berth.

in saying the father is by default as entitled to the children as the mother.

neither of you are entitled to the children. You both have a responsibility to them though.

You say your partner is part time - is he currently doing 50% of the care (outside of breast feeding)? Why, apart from your own desire, do you think he shouldn't have 50% care of the children if he already has it? I would say continuity would be the way to go, so whatever he's doing now, he keeps doing.

I take it that the relationship can't continue like this - that you aren't amicable enough to do something where you/he stay every other week in the house once the 5 month old weans?

The children are very young still, TBH, home for them is whereever mum/dad are, so I don't think they'll mind - as long as you keep a positive face on it (I have some experience of this - my kids have moved a lot)

Apologies, entitled was an unfortunate word choice.

It's very difficult when you are trying to parent with somebody who treats you like crap and preemptively behaves as though you are going to block child contact, thus forcing you to share a home with them. It feels like ownership, that I am being controlled because of his status as father. Where are my rights in this?