Imposter syndrome- how do I stop/not pass it on

[thatoneagain]

Hello
After reading on here and elsewhere I have realised that I have just about always had some sort of imposter syndrome. From school days feeling that I didn't really deserve praise for any accomplishments, work days where I'm sure it prevented me from pushing myself forward as much as others did, and even parenting. I've realised that even when I achieve something fairly trivial my fall back is to think of the reasons (other than my own ability) why I might have done so (others having an off day, sympathy vote, perhaps the achievement is not quite as good as I thought). It all seems to tie in with the feeling that whatever my achievements if people really knew me they would see through it all.

I suspect that this is part of my conditioning as a female (very traditional upbringing, praised for being quiet/compliant/no trouble etc). It is, however, draining. I also don't want my daughter to pick up on these behaviours and have the same issue.

Wondered if anyone has any ideas on practical things I can do, or good books to read to understand it better and in particular how to help my daughter avoid doing the same thing?

As you have a specific problem and goal, CBT would be useful. You can also work on assertiveness training and confidence building, but that's more generalised.

Lots of people have this, especially women.

It took me a long time to get over it (mostly). For me, stacking up objective achievements is helpful. But I have a career and life where that's fairly easy to do. When I feel like I'm unworthy or haven't achieved much I look at the situation critically and factually. How many other people do I know who have achieved this? Is it common? It is difficult for most people to do? Is it valuable? That helps me actually have a good idea of where my skills are in relation to others (on a given topic) rather than go off a gut feeling which is subjective.

Another thing is to realize that most of the people (especially men) who put themselves forward or above you are full of shit. Watch some TED talks by white guys with a critical eye and you will realize about half of them are talking complete horseshit and just doing it with a confidence that makes it sound worthwhile.

If you're dealing in subjective things, like you did a painting that won but you're telling yourself it's just because all the other paintings were crap or people felt bad for you, ask yourself - so what? Have you seen abstract art? It's mostly garbage that's only valuable because people are easily influenced. You still won.

Honestly, I think you can turn imposter syndrome into an asset. I can't just act like a man, fart out an opinion and call it good, and I don't want to. I need to KNOW that I know as much as anyone else on a subject, so I work on it. The key thing is to learn what to do after that, once you've worked on it and you're pretty sure you know as much as anyone about just this specific subject, developing the confidence to just go with it, be on your own team and back yourself up.

Men don't think about their past screw ups much, women obsess over them. If you're doing that, ask if it's serving you? Is it teaching and helping you? If not, let it go.

Blood your last two paragraphs are so wise.

once you've worked on it and you're pretty sure you know as much as anyone about just this specific subject, developing the confidence to just go with it, be on your own team and back yourself up
This is so true. If I had the ability, I'd embroider that onto a cushion to read every night.

I very much have imposter syndrome and chronically low self esteem. I've never been able to cure myself, really.

I know my daughter is susceptible, she's a lot like me, but I've made a specific point of trying to move her on from mistakes and failures as quickly as possible, to try and get her to see them as a learning process, to learn from them but not dwell on it. When she does well at something, we talk about how hard she worked, how hard she tried to get to that point, so that it reinforces the idea that she deserves any accolades or praise she gets, because she has put the effort in and developed a skill, or whatever, that she can be proud of. Any time she loses confidence about something, say, if the boys are mean to her at football (frequent) I keep telling her she has a right to be there, and that she works hard to be there, does loads of practice in order to be good at what she is good at. And is therefore good at what she is doing. I also get her to be as well prepared as possible for everything she does. I think one of the things that's always hindered me was the sense that there were gaps in my knowledge of things, and that if those gaps got exposed, my whole facade would come falling down. The fewer gaps there are, the smaller the fear.

I have no idea if any of this will work in the long term, but in the short term I think the approach helps her to keep her chin up, at least. But I expect most parents tell this sort of thing to their children, whether they are worried about imposter syndrome or not...

Talk about it. Discovering that imposter syndrome was a 'thing' was the first step to beating it. Combined with the mantra 'act like you have the confidence of a mediocre white man' it went a long way.

thatoneagain You have a skill, can you name it? Something you know about in more depth than the average person.
If you really can't name it, pick something that interests you and study it.

Oh god...I did a wordy post earlier and then Pratchet comes along and succinctly says "act like you have the confidence of a mediocre white man".
That's it in a nutshell.

Thank you all.

I will try to keep the idea of acting like I have the confidence of a mediocre white man in my mind all the time- and encourage my daughter to do the same. So very wise Pratchet- so far I have intentionally avoided discussing this directly with my daughter but I think maybe naming the issue would be useful.

Blood- interesting idea about turning it in to an asset. I'd love to have the confidence of a mediocre white man but don't want to be one.

Some wise advice here.

I think learning how to fail is important too. It is sometimes better to try and fail and pick yourself up than it is to be scared of trying at all. Failure isn’t getting knocked down, it’s not trying to get up again.
This is something I have to remind myself of a lot - it’s OK to get stuff wrong. Women especially do this - I am always telling my female direct reports/junior staff that. They often come to me and express an opinion that they’d like to go for x post but...

I tell them that men will apply for a post if they meet half the requirements but women will on average need 90% before being confident of applying. I ask them why they think men do that and if they think men are inherently better at the job. The answer is always ‘I don’t know... no they aren’t.’

Acting like you have the confidence of a mediocre white man - yeah that NAILS it.

I had a lot of trouble with imposter syndrome too.
Then, in the process of advocating for employees rights, I discovered that people view as an expert anyone who knows more about a subject than they do. I thought that was a big mistake, but it did not prevent me taking advantage of the information to improve working conditions.

I realised I worked harder and was always more able than my male colleagues at the same level so don't have imposter syndrome anymore but irl I've discovered it's not 'womanly' not to have it so I have to pretend [cant find eye rolling emoji]

and it suggests that maybe I should have been promoted to a more senior level where I didn't always outclass my peers...

Yep this is me. Always have voice in head telling me how lazy and rubbish I am at work. Have got first managerial job, setting up a new 3rd sector organisation from scratch. I am tense and stressed all the time. I have taken steps to improve things, getting outside support for me in my new role and to help build organisation. And of course only have funding until February 2019 and in age of austerity getting cash in is a huge issue. I have a fantasy little shop I go to in my head where I don’t have to go to meetings or take responsibility for other people. I know intellectually I am not worse than anyone else. But. Still get the tense stomach on a Sunday night.

Yes, this is me too. I have certainly mastered the acting part of "act like you have the confidence of a mediocre white man". I have recently started talking a bit more about my mental health and how feelings of inadequacy are so strong, and it has helped - though due to the acting, friends are shocked by what I say.

I think, for me, though I am by no means "cured", one positive step was realising that most people I know are, to use the cliché, faking it till they make it. That made me feel like it wasn't just me.

Another positive step was dwelling on things I know I am doing well. When my boss compliments me, I think "Actually, I really did do a good job there", etc.

Not sure how helpful that is, or if it comes across as me making the thread about me, but I hope it does help.

Encouraging a growth mindset rather than a fixed one allows children to learn by making mistakes, rather than having to maintain an identity around always being good at something / clever / talented or whatever. If you are always told that you ARE something, then when you one day fail to be that thing, you feel like nothing. This can be quite a shock for "gifted" kids who have coasted through school and never developed a work ethic. Better to encourage kids by praising actions which they have control over eg trying hard.

Here is an interesting link on the subject :
www.developgoodhabits.com/fixed-mindset-vs-growth-mindset/

My view is that yes, imposter syndrome comes from women's socialisation and it can be crippling but at some point you have to stop looking for praise and validation and just get on with things. Really it's no one's duty to reassure you that you're a good girl - at some point you have to be too old to need it - in fact you should be the one providing it to others

SpareRibFem- interesting point about it not being 'womanly' not to have imposter syndrome. I've certainly noticed that I frequently women saying they are not very good at something they clearly are more than OK at (whether it's driving, their job, sports etc) but very rarely hear men do the same.

PollyEthel- good point about most people 'faking it until making it'. I suppose I just always feel like I never get to the making it phase (even when objectively I have). Like you, I find others don't realise I feel this way as I have become pretty good at acting confident without feeling it.

I like the comments about growth mindset- I'll definitely be trying to do this with DD.

Yesterday at work a few of us were discussing a position that some of us had put in for (no more pay but a bit more profile and seen as a stepping stone to career progression). I and the other women were all pointing out the reasons why we felt we would not get it, despite having more experience and qualifications that the 2 men who had also applied. Everyone is convinced one man will get it, basically because he has told everyone (loudly and repeatedly) that he is the best candidate.

Talk about it. Discovering that imposter syndrome was a 'thing' was the first step to beating it.

We went to a talk at DD's (all girls') school once, during which the speaker brought up the subject and that she suffered from it. Even though she was Dame Jocelyn Bell Burnelll* ...