Derogatory chat at the work about successful women

[Munder]

Over the years at my place of work I occasionally hear the usual derogatory comments about women progressing through their career and climbing the ladder.
Today it was things like 'it's not who you know, it's who you blow'. This came from a man who's wife is a gp.

But men progressing in their career are never talked about this way!

I've always been afraid to speak when they start talking shit like this.

I'm so angry I didn't say any thing today.

Can you help me with a some sort of comeback that will put them in the their place? (highly unlikely but one can dream these pathetic streaks of piss I work with will get their comeuppance one day).

Did you ask him who he had to blow?

Nope but will remember to ask that next time :)

if it makes you feel better, I overheard this said about a colleague - years ago in a workplace where I didn't stay long - and managed to say "Maybe she blew the same guy you did, but better".

I wouldn't have the flaps to say it now when there's a mortgage etc on the line but I was about 20 at the time!

Lighthouse you're my hero.

I would say, 'Do you mean cock sucking? I hope so because for a moment I thought you were talking about cocaine.'

Plus I'm pretty sure what was said contravenes the sex discrimination act.

Honestly, I am not sure someone like that would even appreciate a witty comeback. Do you think it would sink in?

My thoughts: if you really think the management team is so shit they promote based on sexual favours, why are you still here...?

Well according to a poster on FWR I'm only successful in my career because I perform femininity. This is just a more vulgar continuum of the idea a woman couldn't actually just be successful because she is good at her job.

I must point out that maybe the boss isn't a male and so no blow job was needed?

Maybe the failure to see the boss as a woman is the problem?

I've never heard anything like this. Not saying it doesn't happen and I'm early 20s so maybe my Gen have learnt. How horrifically disgusting. I wouldn't be able to hold back my rage.

Have any of the blokes blown anyone? They have mouths too.

The comments were about our manager who is female.

Generally it's women who are spoken about like that. Who has she shagged to get that role type of thing.

I work with certain characters who are incredibly selfish, have no respect for women and chauvinistic (not all of them are like that).

With men it's who's arse have they kissed, who have they sucked up to, etc.
It's jealousy, but described in different ways.

"Maybe she blew the same guy you did, but better"

Hahah :) That's a great one.

Serious answer from working in a very male dominated industry. here's how to establish yourself as the alpha in the situation:

Step 1. Make a statement. Not an opinion. Not a question. Not an "I think...." or a 'it seems to me...' not a "Don't you think...". Just a plain, blunt, factual statement. E.g. "You're clearly jealous of her success but sexist comments aren't acceptable in this workplace." Or even just the second half: "Sexist comments like that aren't acceptable in this workplace."

That way he can't argue "I didn't mean anything I was just just bruh blah buh..."
Because you can just repeat "And I'm telling you that however jealous you might be, sexist comments like that aren't acceptable here."
There really is no answer to that type of statement other than "ok" or "fuck off you bitch" and he CAN'T pick the second one in a work place.

Feel free to take your time crafting the statement, and say it slowly and clearly for everyone present to hear. You're not having an argument, you're just informing him of a fact. Use a neutral tone of voice.

Step 2. Maintain steady eye contact while you're saying it, and hold it for 5 seconds after you stop talking. Then quietly go on with whatever you were doing before. He will get super uncomfortable. Do not rescue him. Let it be uncomfortable, make someone else break the tension.

No shit, they will FLEE.

Use this power wisely. Over use it and no one will want to talk to you :)
I would prefer to use a joke and let things drop 9 times out of 10, but with overt over the top sexist shit like that I would be shutting it down.

Other phrases you could use
"I don't appreciate your tone." e.g. if someone is being overly critical/bullying
"That's an inappropriate comment."
"You're making me uncomfortable."
"That topic is not open for discussion." - e.g. comments on your appearance or personal life

All of those are statements of plain fact that aren't easily argued, and if they are you can simply repeat them. E.g.
"My personal life isn't open for discussion"
"Ah come on, we're just chatting, I just want to know if you picked up any fellas lately"
"My personal life isn't open for discussion" extended eye contact
"Ok, fine."

Or you can mix it up, e.g. if he gives you a stupid response:
"I heard [woman] got a promotion, i guess it's not who you know it's who you blow, hahaha."
"You're clearly jealous of her success but sexist comments aren't acceptable in this workplace."
"I wasn't being sexist, I'd say that about a man too."
extended eye contact, because we all know that's bullshit

Blood that is an excellent tactic and. I suspect, works very well.

I think that you need to have an "alpha" vibe about you always to be able to carry it off...not just for sexist stuff.
Of course, a young woman starting off in her career, would do well to cultivate an "alpha air" in any case.... if you are thinking that way OP, then you need to practice it consistently.
Act the way you want to feel and soon you'll feel the way you want to act.

Blood great post and would agree Baroness - start the way you mean to carry on

Oh yeh, you definitely need to practice the alpha stare-down but once you've got it it's a magic power ;)

I suspect it would actually work BETTER if you're otherwise quite meek and mild. People don't know how to react to that and tend to give in just out of surprise

I'm early 20s so maybe my Gen have learnt.

Sorry but no. Males of your generation can be some of the worst offenders in my experience.

When I was promoted to senior management, it was another women (also management, but slightly junior) who whispered to me as a meeting started so I couldn’t respond ‘you’ve done well, who’ve you been shagging?’

I was furious but said nothing - partly due to the circumstances as described, partly because I was just utterly confused and bewildered that someone would think that, or think I was ok to say it.

It’s been two years now, and I’m still mad about it. To anyone else facing this - please call it out. It’s disgusting, demeaning and absolutely unacceptable.