Raising a strong independent woman

[ZebraMammy17]

My little girl is nearly 1year. With everything you hear in the media I feel like no matter what we do it's wrong raising a child gender numeral and such. I would love to hear as many experience of situations where you wish your parents went down another route putting pressure on you to be girly or pretty or maybe you feel like they wish they had a boy (all to real for me) I want to do the best for my daughter. My dad's family made it clear they wanted a boy ( actual Xmas gift was a gangster bear thatbinsulted woman age 8) we need to do better by our children I want to make sure I do

I have four daughters, 9, 6, 3 and 8 months.
My 9 year old is obsessed with WWE and boxing but still love her nails painted and playing with make up, she loves dresses but hates frills and glitter.
My 6 year old is a princess, all pink, all girly and wear princess costumes daily but loves playing with fire engines and diggers.
We have always had all sorts of toys, cars/garages dolls/barbie nurf guns and role play, you name it and we’ve got it. We have never made a big deal out of it, I’ve never gone out of my way to buy ‘boys toys’ or ‘girls toys’ it’s just been whatever they are into or has caught my eye. We love running around playing sport and having pamper days.
They are my little girls and will call them that unless they decide otherwise.
I don’t pressure them to be a certain way because for me the most important thing is they are happy. Xx

As you already know you don’t have control of all the messages they get. My approach was

1. Contradict all messages that put toys/games and clothes into girl/boy boxes. Little girls respond quite well to comments like ‘granny thinks girls shouldn’t climb trees isn’t that silly - you can climb trees and you’re a girl.’
2. Give positive messages e.g. girls can do anything they want to do. Read the books about good female role models.
3. Don’t restrict toys and books to try and counteract the messaging about girls stuff. If you try to ban them from pink and princesses they will want it even more. The pink princess stuff is a phase that many girls go through, they grow out of it. If you are concerned at the messages it gives then seek out some of the feisty princesses (look up the children’s book, Paper Bag Princess)
4. Give presents that follow a variety of interests e.g. a princess doll, a science kit, a ball and a book with a good strong female lead ( A Mighty Girl is a good website for reading recommendations).
5. When buying presents for other children (girls or boys) get them to think about the interests of the person don’t resort to stereotypes and don’t let them say ‘boys like x’
6. As they get older get them to look at labels and marketing and see the stereotypes (look that aisle is all pink what are they trying to say). We all hate the blue/pink labelling but it is a good shorthand for teaching children to see where stereotypes are being used as it is so simple and obvious. Then you can say ‘Does that apply to you?’ Which of course it won’t and they learn to trust their own judgement.

My girls are 10/11 now so we now also talk explicitly about what makes you a girl (biology not stereotypes ) which is very easy to do when you are having the puberty chats anyway.

Also if you have a boy as well they are also subject to stereotypes and need just as much attention in terms of correcting the pink/blue world. For me personally it was the way that my parents treated my brother (the golden child) and the way they allowed him to treat me that did the damage. Boys could do no wrong in my family.

Lastly look to yourself. If you allow yourself to be treated poorly or disrespectfully your daughter will believe that she too must be a lesser person. You are her first role model so stand up for yourself and you will be standing up for her.

It's a good question. Betty & Sillydoggy have already posted some good ideas. I agree that being good role model is critical. Making sure that you come over as a confident, assertive woman and enabling your daughter to feel confident with her body as she develops - and if that means restricting social media and shutting out 'unhelpful' porn dominated attitudes to women, then so be it.

Teach her how to both give and accept help, so she can build a rich network of collaborative and mutually beneficial relationships that will be supportive in both personal and professional spheres. Women often lose their independence through relative isolation, this will be a strong bulwark against that.

The corollary to that is to teach her how to both set and respect boundaries- this will ensure that the relationships she builds and maintains are healthy ones.

I don't have a DD but I have a DSGD. I make a point of praising her for achievements or behaviour rather than her clothes or appearance. Too many people say "you're such a pretty girl" or something similar. Girls need to be valued for themselves.

Another important angle is setting an example. If your DP treats you badly and you put up with it you are teaching your DD an unhealthy lesson about what being a woman means. Not that I'm suggesting you do, just raising the point. How you live will teach your DD about how women are in this world.

I have both a son and a daughter. Silly is right, you never get to control all the messages they hear from relatives, peers, school, TV etc etc

We have always spent quite a lot of time discussing those messages everyday.

From Grandma says X, or Joe at playgroup says Y, right through to discussing programs and adverts, and now you tubers.

Teaching them to critically examine the messages they are being bombarded with, to consider why that person is saying what they are saying or behaving as they are behaving has been pretty effective so far (let’s hope it takes us through the teenage years)

We’ve also always discussed more serious issues and talked about what was going on in the news and in politics.

Teach them to recognise their privilege as well as where they are disadvantaged.

Teach them it’s ok to be different and that it’s not rude to say “no”.

Teach them that they have the absolute right to bodily autonomy and how to defend their boundaries.

Encourage them to form their own opinions and teach them how to defend them.

I have two boys but I think the principles are similar.

I let them wear whatever clothes they want - my oldest especially loves bright colours and not the grey/black offerings of the boys section.

I never tell them they can't have something because 'it's for girls'.

And I counter stereotypes every time we hear them. Recently DS kept coming home from preschool saying that boys are better at having jobs than girls. Think he regretted saying that as we had such a long chat about it!

I also reinforce that boys can express all emotions and that girls are also strong.

Other posters have given lots of good ideas, some will apply to raising boys as well as girls, especially wrt things like not pigeon-holing them.

Things I've done:

• Offering a variety of toys - this goes for DS too.
• Never, ever, telling them that something is for boys/girls.
• Allowing them to follow their own interests.
• Challenging stereotypical statements. E.g. DS comes home from school saying that he can't watch My Little Pony with DD anymore because it's for girls - "Well you're a boy and you like it, so it's for boys and girls" (to give a crap example off the top of my head).
• Making sure DD has clothes that are primarily practical so that her physical activity isn't limited by her outfit choice.
• Encouraging DS to talk about his emotions and how he feels, and encouraging him to talk about how his actions impact on people around him.
• Making both children aware that you can say no to something you don't want to do (particularly DD), and that if someone tells you to leave them alone/stop it you need to listen to them (particularly DS).
• Praising DD for achievements rather than her appearance (this one is an ongoing battle with MIL, who is shockingly terrible at ignoring achievements of DD's while acknowledging DS's similar ones, and instead complementing DD on her clothes/bangles/"you're such a gorgeous girl").

never describe her or anyone by appearance. never use beautiful, pretty, gorgeous , handsome etc. appearance is not an achievement.

use smart, funny, kind, generous, clever.etc.

It is really lovely to hear everyone’s positive actions.

I was just thinking this morning funnily enough that you never hear males described as 'strong, independent men'
I come from a long line of 'strong women' going right back to WW1 where husbands were killed in action and left my relatives with children to raise and business to run, it's been a matriarchal kind of family for a long time although I've only just come to realise it.

I think walking the walk is a way to go, being able to do DIY, change a tyre etc. Making sure that both partners cook dinners, pick up shopping. Making sure you have a voice in front of salesmen, tradesmen and so on.

I'm not sure I can articulate what I want to say as well as other posters but certainly teaching children not to ignore their own feelings in case it offends (kissing uncle goodbye when they don't want to, hugging people etc.) it's a message I put across strongly to my own child - her feelings are valid and they matter.

We also discuss things we see on TV, so maybe a man in a drama is being awful, I'll say that I'd never put up with that and explain why, just a fairly light observation but I hope the message sticks.

I also challenge things, her male teachers have been known to use expressions like 'run/giggle/throw like a girl' I say what's wrong with that? Challenge the fact that male is treated as the default and that female/girly/woman is not an insult -'he moans like an old woman' Yeah? So what? Do only old women moan? What's wrong with running like a girl? Jessica Ennis is pretty cool.

Wish I could put these things better but I'm hot and bothered

I was raised pretty gender neutral (but with a full awareness of what sex I was, duh). We lived in the country and i think in some ways it's easier there. Nothing was ever off the table for me. I climbed trees, i had this sweet orange floral dress that I loved and wore it until it became a top. It was never questioned if I was 'allowed' to be dirty or play rough or anything like that, wearing a dress or skirt or anything else. Mum made a lot of our clothes and they were mostly gender neutral and equally unfashionable.

When I got older my dad showed me everything. It was just normal. Whatever he was doing he would call me over and show me exactly what he was doing, why, and how. Skinning an animal, chopping wood, or fixing something. I usually wouldn't DO it, but I would watch and learn. When I learned to drive he also taught me how to change a tyre, basic maintenance, and how to reverse a trailer. All of which i consider crucial information. I went into an extremely male dominated industry and it honestly never even occurred to me to be intimidated by that or to feel out of place.

One thing I think is most important to know - they've done studies about what gives a child good self esteem. Telling them they're great and special and wonderful is actually worse than doing nothing. What created good self esteem is teaching them actual skills, letting them experiment and learn and be self reliant. Then when your daughter comes out into the real world her self-esteem and confidence will be built on the solid knowledge that she CAN do things as well as anyone else.

I don't have kids of my own but one of my friends has a 12 year old girl and I'm blown away by this kids confidence. I think it's because her mother always let her do things for herself at an early age, e.g. at the age of 6 she learned how to haggle at garage sales (and got good deals too because people are caught off guard when a 6 year old is haggling expertly).

Build her up by making her resilient. Teach her things, and let her learn how capable she really is at a young age. By the time she's old enough to recognize the limitations other people are trying to put on her she'll have the confidence to blow right through them.