Bearing the weight

[FloralBunting]

So, today my daughter had a self harming episode. I have just started a new job, with really significant responsibilities. I have also been asked to take on further responsibilities in my volunteer capacity at a Foodbank. I'm actually loving having the chance to use my skills in an outside-the-family arena, but it is an added stress point. I have three other children with their own issues and difficulties. My partner is being petulant and unhelpful and leaves much of the hard stuff of counselling the kids to me because he 'just doesn't do it as well' as I do. I still do most of the housework, of course. I've got a sneaking suspicion that the menopause is making an early appearance too, so my health is a pain in the arse too.

I sound like I'm whinging but there is a point here - I am just beginning to understand what it means to be a woman in a world where everything hangs on you and I am so frustrated that of all the issues women have to deal with, trans-everything is marching in and saying, 'shut up and look at me!'

I lived much of the last twenty years as a fundamentalist Christian, and actively campaigned against feminism as it was presented to me - pro porn, pro prostitution etc.
This might be hard to believe but since I became Catholic, my perspective has shifted enormously and I have slowly begun to understand that feminism is a positive thing, a righteous thing that simply highlights the inequity in the material world that puts this enormous burden on women.

I am weary today, burning with indignation at all the unfairness I see in the world, and so bloody frustrated that so many are still determined to either receive the yoke of oppression themselves or eager to put it on others. I don't want to take anyone else's genuine rights from them. I just want to be afforded the same courtesy, because right now, I am carrying a load, similar to so many women on this planet, and I don't have too much spare to fight to hold on to rights and safety for women and girls.

Young through????

What the hell

Going through obviously

I could have written your OP Floral.
Depressed/anxious dd with self harm episodes.
Autistic children, one home educated and trying to get through the EHCP process, one about to go through the diagnosis process.
All of the emotional stuff is down to me, and dropping it isn't an option as someone has to do it.

Posting/lurking on MN has always been an outlet, but right now it's proving more stressful than helpful.

And meant to say...
I get it 💐

This might be hard to believe but since I became Catholic, my perspective has shifted enormously and I have slowly begun to understand that feminism is a positive thing,

I understand this completely - although I have no interest or belief in religion I was brought up an Irish Catholic and I never received the message that men were any more equal than women. I know Irish Catholicism is slightly different to elsewhere because it had to be tailored to a society that had female deities, but I genuinely thought women were the important ones, when I was growing up. 😅 Still do, mind you...

Yes, it's a very weird thing to come out of a movement where women have to wear headcoverings, be silent in church, and quiverful is a thing (I was permanently pregnant between 2000 and 2007) and discover that not everyone who believes in God sees the world that way.

It has meant something of an uphill battle in being able to assert myself and find some semblance of balance with how everything works. DP is a decent guy, but he had quite a few years of me as a submissive wife, and we both have habits that really need to be broken.

I can see why men fight so hard to retain the status quo. Think of how it's been throughout history for men... women are the gift that keeps on giving.
You get to have sex with them
they make your children
if you don't want children you can say 'it wasn't me'
they have the bother of feeding and looking after the children
they do the cleaning
you get to have sex with them

There was (yet another) famine somewhere in Africa a few years ago, and I was surprised that it was all women and small children who were starving. Read up on why, and it turned out that there really wasn't a famine at all, the men had simply locked the granaries and gone elsewhere. Men could have several wives. Wives were a good thing because they each brought a little plot of land as a dowry, which they then had to work. The men controlled the granaries. When things got tough the men locked up the valuables and walked away, as you could always get another wife, and children are a drug on the market.

God yes. I think that might be why men who do the brocialist thing are so arrogantly dismissive. They operate under the assumption that feminist women must be ever so grateful for their patronage, because after all, they don't have to stick up for women and could quite easily fuck them over for the fawning little women who laud them for demeaning themselves enough to stand up for feminist causes like ubiquitous porn access and empowering sexwork.

It's the origin of this notion of asking the question "Have women's rights gone too far?" Men retaining control over women by whatever means to hand.

Hugs to you

It must be very hard to know your daughter is self harming. In my experience the self harming is not as bad as the emotions which lead to it. Typically, deep self-loathing. Addressing those feelings is the key, address the behavior alone doesn't solve the problem and whatever new coping mechanism is found (e.g. doing push ups to 'feel the burn') is likely to become a problem itself.
Usually teens grow out of it. As you get older things get a bit more perspective and emotions aren't as volatile. That doesn't help either of you right now, just now that if you can hang on there is light at the end.

That sucks about your husband but it's familiar to many of us. My husband leaves a lot of thing to me, often for good reason. Eg. with the gardening i have very specific ideas about what I want so I do that. I am more available during the day so I run the errands. And so on. And then the remaining stuff (general housework) we used to split 50/50. That's not fair. I put it to him, yes, fine for me to handle the car maintenance because I know more about it. Fine for me to do the yardwork, I actually prefer it. But then you need to take SOMETHING ELSE off my plate. Take it ENTIRELY not leaving the management and scheduling and remembering and checking (i.e. 50% of the job) to me. Maybe you pick the dishes and make it your own job to keep an eye on them, remember to check, and do them whenever they need doing not just when you feel like it, and I never have to think about the dishes or wash them at all.

So if he wants you to do these hard conversation with the girls, fine. But what's he picking up instead? Make HIM tell you what he's picking up that's ADDITIONAL to what his normal 50% division is. Make him pick a WHOLE thing - e.g. "The back yard" or "all the laundry all the time" that you just never have to think about because he is 100% taking care of it. If he picks 'edging the lawns' or 'hanging out the washing' then you still have to be involved with the other parts and still have to manage it. If he does the whole lot you can just say 'the backyard's looking crap' and leave it on him.

Another thing - abdicate anything you're doing that you don't need to or don't want to do. I bought a second laundry basket and stopped washing my husbands clothes. We each put our dirty clothes in a separate basket and wash them whenever we want. I'm not responsible for where any of his things are or whether they're clean when he needs them (I would do this with your daughters too). I iron nothing. I don't make his lunch. I actually don't make his dinner either most of the time because we prefer to eat different things so I cook for me and he cooks for him. I don't know when any of his friends and family's birthdays are. It's not your job if you decide that it's not. Even with dishes for example, you can decide what your fair share is (e.g. every 4th day you wash a load) and just stop doing it the rest of the time. If they want clean dishes they will have to pull their own weight (and you will have to sometimes wash an individual dish so that you can use it). Cook dinner every second day and suggest that someone else makes a plan for the other day otherwise you're going to just buy and cook something for yourself.

you have a lot to handle - vent away. In harder times in my life I’ve learned to temporarily drop everything that’s not truly essential. The kids are essential - a clean house (beyond the basics) is not. Right now I’m pregnant and barely able to walk with spd so the bulk of the housework is not happening. And that’s OK - the basics are done, it’s hygienic, it’ll do. Good enough really is enough.

The whole quiverful thing makes me shudder if I’m honest - I’m glad you’ve moved away from it.

How old are the kids? They should be old enough to help with chores significantly. Dh needs a list to do, so do the kids. Yes you still have the load of directing but delegate.

Finally - you are important. Your health, wellbeing and happiness are important. 💐 do what you need to get you through. Vent here when you need to.

Oh wow Bowl, I had SPD solidly for a number of years and used a wheelchair for much of it.
My eldest is nearly 17 and my youngest is 11. They are getting better at helping things to run smoothly.
Yes, I am important and it's worth remembering that on the many days when I have to bite my tongue because I don't want to upset someone.

Sometimes other people need a little upset. With your background you will have been trained to put your own needs last. When in reality your needs are important - a rested happy parent is the core of a strong family.

Yes Spd sucks :( I need to book an appt with an osteopath who I saw last time... highly recommend that by the way if you haven’t already.

Welcome sister