does anyone ever find being a feminist exhausting?

[NoFucksImAQueen]

I'm aware the title sounds goady but hear me out. iv considered myself a feminist ever since I had ds1 who is nearly 7. having him made me want equality and realise the massive differences in how men and women are brought up in the world. before what I was raised in a religious household so maybe it's that feminism is new to me and I overthink it?
anyway went to get dd some clothes for nursery today and it just hurts my head. I like something so I pick it up, then u question it. it's very princessy,better put it back because it's not the message I want to reach her. oh those shorts are nice, oh actually they're a bit hotpant like for a 2 year old and I don't want that, what about this... oh "be pretty everyday" or similar on the front. thats a shit message.
a 10 minute trip becomes half an hour and I'm fed up. is it just me?

it feels like this with Dd all the time. I kind of like girly stuff but not the sort of stuff o mentioned above just pretty things but I don't want to always put her in pretty things and reinforce that value?
I'm not explaining this well at all am I?

Well I know what you mean but I've never looked at it like that. I see the world as exhausting, not the fact that I think women and girls deserve respect as individuals in their own right

I think you can dress you DD (and of course your DS) in pretty, pink clothes and still call yourself a feminist.

Ha I don't even consider myself a feminist I do way way way to many things that would probabky be considered un-feminist

But I am exhausted. Im.so used to over thinking situations in order to give people the benefit of the doubt or wonder why I suddenly care so much that now kinda fed up of feeling so angry all the time because I'm having to relearn everything that I've ever seen heard or learnt and seeing things so different .

So now there's just a constant conflict in my head between seeing things for what they are and what I now see what they should be and everything I ever thought up until this point..

If that makes any sense.

Oh and of course there's now the "defending my choices " on top now..

OP I get what you mean about the shopping trip. It shouldn't be that hard to find clothes for girls that aren't a parody of sexualised adult clothes.

Other people are exhausting until you stop giving people the benefit of the doubt and realise they are actually quite selfish or nasty, but want all the kudos of not being seen as such.

Get plain t shirts and sweatshirts/goodies and help her decorate them herself. You can cut up old clothes and do applique shapes really easily with thread or iron on webbing, add buttons (for eyes, wheels, flower centres etc), or use fabric paints/markers. It's best if you do smallish things rather than covering the front. And it really doesn't take very long (except drying time for paint). We have even cut pictures and embroidery off old things mine have grown out of but loved and appliquéd it to bigger garments.

You just also have to let things go sometimes. Kids go through phases of liking all sort of stuff you won't approve of, just encourage them to be okay with liking "girls" and "boys" stuff. And say no to anything sexualised or sexist eg "pretty" etc!

It doesn't have to be difficult, I mean it's always annoying, but it doesn't have to be exhausting. Try going to different shops as well and look round the boys sections!

I find the anger pretty exhausting. I have considered myself a feminist since school, I went to an all girls school and feminism was constantly discussed, we had Germaine Greer come to speak which was amazing. But it is only since I had DD that I began to think about feminism and society more critically, rather than the ‘girl power’ message we got at school. Now I notice far more inequality than I did, I see hundreds of new articles of women murdered, raped and tortured and I can see how hard it still is for women even after all the progress that has been made in the last century. And it makes me so so angry.

I try to remember that it's the patriarchy I find exhausting. Though I don't know if that really helps all that much.

I've been having similar feelings since I've been paying attention to this stuff more. I think any time you question all areas of your culture you'll start coming to unpopular conclusions. It can be lonely and frustrating. But the alternative is to go along with a sick, dysfunctional world badly damaged by ignorance and brainwash, and that will cause the most trouble for you in the long run.

'Other people are exhausting until you stop giving people the benefit of the doubt and realise they are actually quite selfish or nasty, but want all the kudos of not being seen as such.'

I would berate you for being horribly cynical, but I find myself entirely agreeing with you! I find that many people don't seem to think much beyond the end of their own noses. It's depressing but you learn to accept it.

Yes it's exhausting when the scales fall from your eyes and you see patriarchal crap absolutely everywhere. Much better to have your eyes open though

Silk, I'm so jealous that GG came to speak at your school! I would probably embarrass myself terribly if I was anywhere near her these days. I certainly don't agree with everything she says, but she is a stone cold icon and a brilliant thinker.

Here in America I'd say the average person is kind and cares about other people UNTIL they have to be inconvenienced in some major way. Miss an important party to talk to someone who's lonely and desperate for someone to talk to? Not happening. I think it's one big reason we have so many mass shootings here.

I don't want to always put her in pretty things and reinforce that value

TBH, I'd be more concerned about the media that children are exposed to. Trying to protect your daughter from the sex role of femininity is hard. It reminds me of a case study I did while finishing my degree in psychology. I studied a 2 yo male child whose parents didn't allow him to consume mass media. No TV. No movies.

He behaved much differently than his male peers. No hitting, no grabbing. Less aggression overall.

I liked Joan Summers idea of making clothing a creative exercise by buying plain T shirts and pants and having children decorate them.

The pressure to conform to femininity is overwhelming but you are aware of it, and that's the first major step.

Absolutely. I’ve had a headache for 20 years and this trans issue has literally given me migraines.

I sometimes wish I’d never had these thoughts or beliefs, and continued to believe in all the crap I did in a bid to be “nice”. Life would be more of a bubble, and I wouldn’t get angry as much, wouldn’t feel so much hurt and frustration for my fellow women (and girls). But it was Pandora’s box - and there’s no closing it.

Yes, I wish I could be ignorant of these things, and some days I try to go along with the patriarchy, make millions of excuses for why things are as they are.

It's like trying to believe in religion. There's comes a point where you just go "no, I can't lie to myself".

I find parenting in general exhausting. I just thought why make life hard for myself?

So my 7 year old likes glittery shit. Who cares? I just make it clear she can like glittery shit and do really well at school.
Having T shirts with hearts on it really isn’t a battle worth fighting imo.

Any interest my kids have I try and make the most out of it. She likes purfumes and bath bombs so we got her science kits to make perfume and bath bombs.

Her brother likes Star Wars so we try and teach him about space (this is less of a success).

yes Giles that's exactly how I feel! I find it so hard to articulate so I'm glad that everyone seems to understand what I'm saying. she's 2 and actually is very girly in what she seems to like despite having 2 older brothers and being able to play with whatever she like a she seems to sway towards the dolls and ponies which is fine. I'm just conscious of not wanting to push her towards anything and I end up with this constant inner monologue which is so draining.
I now fully understand the phrase ignorance is bliss.

oh I do daim. I'm a huge fan of Tutus and she has a lovely collection that she rocks with her dms, plus dresses and sparkly tights as well as some superhero stuff and shorts.
it's just stuff like I'll see a top, think that's cute and pick it up. then see the phrase on it like such a cutie or make life sparkle and I think I can't get her that despite the fact she can't even read yet. or the fact I try and "balance" her wardrobe/toys/ toiletries so it's not all pink/floral/ "girly" despite the fact that sometimes I like the pretty version more

It's perfectly reasonable to decide not to buy clothes with slogans on that your children can't understand and choose for themselves. I have two boys and I avoid all slogans, I'd do the same if I had girls.

Pink is just a colour, choosing things because they are pretty is a valid choice if you like pretty things. Pink shouldn't be the only colour for girls (or boys), and clothes don't always need to be pretty if functional is more important.

I don't know, I cannot imagine not being one so ........................ no. I sometimes find men's reluctance to acknowledge the inequalities that exist and the obstacles that mothers face and the level of sexual abuse/assualt and abuses of power that women face very depressing. But you cannot un know that stuff by being a non=feminist. It's still happening.

I don't understand not being a feminist. Do women who identify as non feminist think well i'm grand so i don't want to get involved in anything that doesn't involve me. Or do they think, well i deserved to be raped that time i was out late and unsure of the route. Or do they think ach well, I don't earn very much but I had one child 17 years ago so I don't deserve to earn much. I don't get it.

It isn't just you and it isn't just Feminists who are appalled at the extremely limited choices in children's clothing and the princess/hero gender role enforcement.
Some time ago a woman took a few Tshirts that promoted strength and power from the boys section and put them in the girls section. She was roundly criticized by hundreds of men for encouraging girls to be active instead of decorative.

oh boy!

It is an uphill battle!

I was reprimanding a man at the parish fete the other week for putting ANY book by a female under ''chick lit'' and I moved them to contemporary fiction. I reacted as though I'd chained myself to the marquee pole. I told him last year. A book written by a woman is not ''chick lit'', if you can't decide ask a READER. He claims he reads. Autobiographies about footballers.

I find the anger pretty exhausting.

Yes, this is definitely me. I seem to be angry near constantly. I really wish I could go back to being ignorant of it all to be quite honest.

As little as 2 years back I was one of those who said feminism was no longer needed, had gone too far (after reading goady newspaper articles that blamed feminists for the worlds evils), was all about hating men and so on. I fell for the propaganda hook line and sinker Its fucking embarrassing now, it really is.

But at the same time, I had been badly treated by many men in my life. I took this as just me being really unlucky.

So yeah, its not the being a feminist I find draining, its the anger that that fills me with.

The fear too. I have a young daughter, and she has to grow up in this world, and that terrifies me.