Wondering what people think about this..

[BertrandRussell]

Ds is 17 and straight. He went to our local Pride yesterday and had a great time-including being chatted up quite a lot (he is very good looking in a Brideahead-y sort of way). He came home very cheerful and had had a massive confidence boost. Now I know that if he had been a young woman and had gone to an event where men had repeatedly propositioned her I would be thinking it was completely inappropriate. Am I being hypocritical in feeling differently because he is a boy? What's going on here?

Surely you would only feel it was inappropriate for a female to receive similar attention if it was unwanted attention? The gender/sexual orientation is irrelevant.

It depends how the attention was - a woman may feel more intimated by (larger bodied) men making sexual comments and may well have been touched or had her boobs/bum pinched.

Your son was probably flirted with by men who most likely knew he isn't gay.

I think it kinda depends on the circumstances.

Sometimes with women it's not so much the "chatting up" it's the way it's done. The blocking of escape route. The kinda picking off from her group and pouncing. The refusal to accept someone's not interested or doesn't want a drink.

If two people are happy to talk and both feel safe and not threatened then that's ok.

I think with two guys there's less of a lower imbalance . Well some of the time anyway. But of course any sinister behaviour as previously outlined is not right whatever combination

Power imbalance

I agree.

Some young people enjoy the attention and interest and others don’t. I think it comes down to how the ‘interest’ is expressed and then what happens when interest shown is not responded to.

I

The equivalent scenario is your straight daughter being chatted up by women; would that bother you?

Your (straight or gay) daughter being chatted up by men she's not interested in is a completely different scenario and not what happened with your son.

I agree with bride

Plus he was at an event...which i would take to be at a party or nightclub which are both places i would expect people to be chatted up

Not walking diwn the road or accepting delivery of a parcel or alone in a coffee shop etc

Do you have a problem with girls being chatted up?

I think females also feel a massive confidence boost and feel cheerful after being "chatted up a lot" during certain events like dance festivals or parades.

I suppose the difference for females is that being chatted up can lead to worse such as physical assault but males rarely experience this escalation of events. But I'd generally not be concerned by it.

"Would you feel uneasy if your DD had come home feeling similar?"

Yes, I think I would. I feel quite strongly about women being validated by male approval and by men making unsolicited remarks about women's appearance.

"And yy to what Harry said. The equivalent is your DD being chatted up by lesbians. Would that bother you?"
That's interesting. No I wouldn't. But I think I wouldn't expect women to comment on other women's appearance in the street.

I well remember enjoying being chatted up by men if they were pleasant. and as rufus says, at an event or in a nightclub it's not unexpected.

i think if you're straight it's pretty inevitable that you're going to be pleased at the idea that some men find you attractive. you probably do want to have sex with someone after all.

there's seeking male approval and wanting to get a shag. not necessarily the same thing!

fekko
Your son was probably flirted with by men who most likely knew he isn't gay.

This! He has the power they know he isnt interested so it's flirting with no agenda which is basically getting lots of compliments.

In my youth (ha!) I greatly enjoyed being flirted with by gay men - we both knew nothing was going to happen beyond lots of dancing (because I'm a woman) but still great fun.

I feel quite strongly about women being validated by male approval and by men making unsolicited remarks about women's appearance. That's taking it too far though. How will the human race continue if people are not allowed to chat people up?

Men have historically been the prime movers in the chat up stakes, but that doesn't make the prospective flirt a wholly unpleasant or unwarranted intrusion.

It's a bit like the GDPR at the moment. The law say you can'trepeoatedly contact a business or individua if they have sai no thanks or 'unsubscribe'. On facebook now there are so many posts asking how to report a company for having contacted another business or individual. When I explain that they are allowed to I get GDPR thrown at me... I ask how the fuck businesses are supposed to contact prospective clients and the answer is "They should wait for me to ask them!"

That is as illogical in business as it is in life!

First ask... OK. First response wholly dictates what happens next. But you can't equate ALL flirtationin ALL circumstancesas unwanted intrusions and thus prosecutable!

How will your 17yr old get his first sexual partner? If he can't make a passing comment, try his luck, practice his chat up lines... how does he start?

"That's taking it too far though. How will the human race continue if people are not allowed to chat people up?"
Sorry- I didn't make myself clear. Of course talking to people is fine! I was talking about passing comments about looks alone.

Your son was probably flirted with by men who most likely knew he isn't gay

This! He has the power they know he isnt interested so it's flirting with no agenda which is basically getting lots of compliments

Quite a few assumptions there. I would have thought the first assumption of the men doing the chatting up was that he is gay.

I agree with Reluctant Camper 's post at 10.25. It really depends on how the conversation goes. Bertrand says the gay men were chatting her son up, flirting in fac, but the equipment for straight men and her daughter is propositioning. Both scenarios could be either.

So far as not being validated by looks- her son just has been.

talking to people is fine! I was talking about passing comments about looks alone

That is exactly what happened to your son.

"So far as not being validated by looks- her son just has been."
Absolutely he was!

I was just interested in how the power balance works out, and why I felt differently about it. Probably it's because I am sooooo a liberal leftie and I feel validated by being cool about people thinking my son is gay!

waddle

Yes!!

My favourite complement was when a gay man told dh that he was punching above his weight with me

Yes im shallow...but im bloody owning it

Rufus

Mine was when a transvestite said that they loved my earrings and asked where I got them from. He was very glam (full cocktail dress, makeup and heels in a grimy Glasgow dive bar).

Probably it's because I am sooooo a liberal leftie and I feel validated by being cool about people thinking my son is gay!

My son told me when he was 15 that Mum , I've got something to tell you and I know it's going to be hard for you, but I'm not gay