In laws and surnames

[MnerXX]

DH and I have been married over 10 years now and I kept my name for a whole host of reasons but mainly because I like it.

I am in my MIL's phone with her surname and on any birthday cards etc, she always writes the surname I did not take. There's nothing wrong with their surname but it is just not me.

Since we got married, my dad died and I have got my PhD. Two humongous things which further underscore that there is not a cat in hell's chance I will change my name. She was actually at my graduation and I am beginning to wonder if she just stuck her fingers in her ears when they said my name.

It's not an argument she can ever win but it does upset me. Randomly, she wanted her daughter to keep her name! It's like everyone has to be subsumed...

I feel guilty ranting to DH as he would have liked me to take his name so I thought I would rant here instead.

I've an aunt who didn't take her husbands name yet insists on sending me parcels etc in my partners name even though we aren't even married.
Its so absurd I actually find it amusing on the whole (not when I need to collect parcels and have no ID given it isn't my name) but otherwise its fairly amusing.

Do you think it could be because your husband wishes you had taken his name or maybe that she wants you to know that you are considered a part of the family rather than malicious reasons that she persists with using the wrong name for you?

At least it's not just me. I don't think it is malicious - it's a mixture of control-freakery and seeing herself as never being wrong.

She has just ordered me a store loyalty card in the wrong name. She was trying to be helpful in her own weird way...

Got to say in your position I would start writing Dr MnerXX on every thing my me to her and her family.

My in-laws tried that after our wedding. Dh was tasked with informing any relative on his side that I hadn't changed my name each and every time they got it wrong. If his elderly Granny can learn, anyone can.

That is really strange! It's understandable if people do it by mistake if they just assume you've taken the name, but for her to do it she's actually choosing to call you by the wrong name/a name that you're not called!

I get this too, and it’s a total bore. And very rude!

Both my mother and MIL use Mrs His name when sending stuff to me. My MIL bought me a National Trust membership in his name.
I've got to the point where I don't care any more.
It's their problem, not mine!

My mum does this. I have no idea why. She KNOWS I did not change my name but seems to file it under some “haha, 53rd, you and your wacky notions!” category. It is puzzling.

No, you're not alone. Except when my exMIL did it I suspect it was in support of her son; exh was forever signing me up to things in his surname. I think he convinced her I was just being difficult and would come round/grow out of it.

Is your dh totally on board your keeping your name? I'm sure after 10 years he probably is... Does his mum know that??

my mil does this too. My fil even ordered me a license plate that spelt mrsxxx I had to explain I didn't want it because I wasn't mrsxxx so why would I want it on my car?
Annoying.

My MIL was similar. After about 15 years I had it out with her, and she admitted that she wishes she had kept her name when she got married!

My ILs insist on using their surname for me. It's created several problems e.g. inability to deposit cheques because the name given is not my legal name and I have no corresponding ID.

I've started addressing MIL using her maiden name.

It's not her name now (she uses her husband's surname) but if she can mis-name me I can do it right back.

Makes the point... petty of course... but makes the point.

Do you think that will be my next birthday present? A personalised registration plate in the wrong name! They all do have personalised registrations and I don't so it is not beyond the realms of possibility.

I have so far managed to get round the cheques thing as we have a joint account and it has not been questioned yet but it is only a matter of time...

It is slightly ironic for PPs to want further info on what DH thinks on a feminist board... Sod him quite frankly when it is one of my only links to my dad. Admittedly that does sound quite bitter - I am not that bitter in real life but dad would have been so proud of "Dr Mner", I don't want it to be diminished.

Didn't take my DHs name and DD has the same name as her real father- so 3 people in 1 house with 3 surnames.

Difference is neither DD or I care if MiL sends things to us with DHs surname. We even have cushions with Mr&Mrs xxxxx (his surname) and Mrs&Mr yyyyyy (my surname).

Don't forget the older generation tend to be more traditional.

Oh, and he's now become a househusband (hated his job and as the main breadwinner I am more than happy for him to stay home cook/clean/iron/do the school run/garden). Goodness knows what the old folks think of that but we don't care - and he's cheaper than cleaners and a gardener

.......bottom line, don't worry about what MiL calls you (so long as it's not a rude word) and don't worry about what anyone else thinks!!!

I was doing better at ignoring her. She has no control over my name. No matter what she does, she can’t make me change it.

I think things have built up this week along with the realisation that this will be a life long battle of trying to turn the othe cheek.

Perhaps respond in kind. Order her store cards in her birth name, address all cards in that fashion. Use 'Ms' too.

In a compromise between the patriarchal society norms and my own beliefs I did what I'm calling a 'soft name change'. My mum did the same thing. Basically, all my documents still say my own name. I write my name down as my own name. I changed it on social media to his last name. We get stuff addressed to both Mr & Mrs Myname and Mr & Mrs Hisname. I don't care much either way. It's all fine. When I'm at work or whatever I would insist on my name being used correctly because it's me operating as an individual. When we're in a joint context (e.g. a wedding invite) i see it as fine to use either last name to refer to us both. Likewise my family might refer to him as one of us, his family could refer to me as one of theirs. It's all pretty casual and it works well for us.
I have my own ideas about how family names should work in a perfect society, but we don't live in that society and sometimes it's not worth the effort.

I can see how that could work. I nearly went for something very similar but in the end, I couldn’t do it. I work with my in laws now so that wouldn’t have worked for me.

I will just keep plugging away at it under the radar. There are plenty of things she can’t change... my email address, my bank cards, my tax return!

I care less and less as I get older, besides DH is called by my name as frequently (possibly more) as I am by his. What upsets me more is if people assume my children have only his name.

I have people who do this. The temptation to send everything to Mr Hisname and MsHerMaiden is incredibly strong.

When we first married we each kept our own names and then when we had our first dc we combined them. My in laws have addressed me as Mrs His Name since we married and now address things to the dc as DD His Name despite that never ever having been their name. We've had to not cash cheques etc for them on this basis.

I find it plain rude tbh.