PSA - reminder about Coercive Control

[heresyandwitchcraft]

From the Controlling Behaviour in Relationships: Women's Aid and Avon

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"You might hear about patterns of controlling behaviour that are dismissed “because they love me so much”. For example, obsessive texting, emailing, or dictating clothing choices is controlling behaviour. Attempting to control someone through threats and fear – called ‘coercive control’ – is at the heart of domestic abuse. This can result in low confidence and self-esteem. Your child may also expect their future relationships to be like this.
In 2015 the government implemented a law to make this behaviour illegal, punishable by up to five years in prison."

[....]

"These are the sorts of things to look out for if you think your teenager or young adult is being controlled by their partner.

If they are:
-being put down and told they are worthless
-being stopped from working or going to school/college/university
-having their money taken away or controlled
-being isolated from friends and family
-having access to food, drinks and day-to-day products restricted
-having how they spend their time and who with being monitored
-having their social media accounts (Instagram, Twitter, Facebook) monitored or controlled
-being tracked by their partner via mobile devices or spyware
-being told what they should wear
-being threatened with violence if they do not behave in a certain way
-having threats made to loved ones or pets
-being threatened with damage to personal property.

How might a teenager or young adult who is experiencing coercive control feel? Coercive control may have a huge effect on your child’s feelings, emotions and health.

They may feel:
-anxious and nervous and not free to make their own decisions
-like they are “walking on eggshells” and scared that they do not have access to money
-worried that they lack close relationships other than with their partner
-sick, experience headaches or have other ongoing physical health symptoms
-isolated from friends and family and that they have no one they can talk to."

And for anyone worried about Domestic Violence, the DASH checklist is incredibly useful:

www.dashriskchecklist.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/V-DASH-2010-2015.pdf

Thanks for this. A friend's DD's first boyfriend (age 15) was showing a lot of these behaviours and she was concerned, so I sent her some links about this. Luckily she split up with him fairly soon after

Every teenager should be made aware of this

I think the list is important but part of the message should be that it is subtle and develops. So you might think ‘no-one will tell me what to wear’. But it is comments like ‘that dress makes you look frumpy’; ‘these glasses don’t suit your face’ (when you have worn them for years); ‘why are you straightening your hair, I prefer it natural’; ‘I like jeans that are more fitted’; ‘I don’t like that colour’; ‘why don’t you wear this top?’; ‘I am going to take you clothes shopping’ (cue things which you would not normally buy), it is a creep, creep, creep effect.

Similar for all the others - it’s not as obvious as ‘well, you are not going to college’, but making comments about not paying him enough attention, you taking too much on and becoming stressed, reneging on looking after the children, talking to you when you are trying to study, not liking the friends you have made, asking why you are being taught x, y or z, chip, chip, chip away. All the time.

For every example there. So people think why did you not tell him where to get off, how did you let that happen? Because it is almost imperceptible. It’s not all of those things right off, it Is the cumulative effect of little by little until you know longer know your own mind.

In my experience, at least.

The thing is that if they were abusive all the time we would run away after five minutes of chat. The isolation and insinuations and the love bombing come first. Try telling them no if you want to see who they really are.

My brothers ex wife displayed many of the points mentioned above, including threats to kill him.
She did untold damage to the children and ruined three lives.
The shame was that as a man he felt unable to seek help and protection , thankfully society is now more aware of how this problem affects both men and women.

By all means Vicky, let us pay attention to the 1% percent any time women speak of the 99%. WDIT stands for Women do it too. The preferred derail of the MRA.

Coercive control works because of the societal and financial power which men have. It takes the ways men historically controlled women’s personal and professional lives via the law and moves it into the intimate sphere.
Coercive control uses the structures of inequality already in society to devalue and erode women’s sense of self at a personal level.

I know that women can be abusive, my mother was, but the power hierarchies between men and women and the way in which men can also weaponise sexual power makes what women experience different and distinct and far, far more prevalent and damaging.

I am also always wary of men who say their ex ruined their lives and their children’s lives - firstly, if the mother is so bad, they have recourse to the courts to seek residency. Threats to kill the father justify police and social service involvement, which then lead to court involvement. So, if things were as bad as you say, remedy should be sought. By and large, men at a population level tend to keep their jobs when children come along, earn more, and are more easily able to revert to the courts (often as a means to continue to abuse women, funnily enough). The land is not full of women controlling men, they simply do not have the time, resources or power.

As you point out KataraJean, coercive control is often so subtle and cumulative that it can be hard to identify. It's an issue I feel strongly about, and wanted to remind the lovely Mumsnet community of - to keep it on the radar.

Thanks to all for your insights, and I am sorry to those who have had to deal with these experiences personally. Hope you are taking care of yourselves .