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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Please help me come up with a good put down for my chauvinistic FIL

50 replies

Tailfeather · 04/06/2018 21:57

He makes my blood boil. He had a very traditional upbringing and brought his children up the same way. And he thinks his way is the right way and that the vast majority of families have mum staying at home doing the cooking, cleaning, shopping and childcare while dad goes to work.

I come from a family where my grandma was a widowed working mother and my mum worked throughout my whole childhood.

I am married to his son, we have a little boy and I run my own business. It's a small business, but I employ 9 members of staff and get great satisfaction from the challenges and achievements. He always refers to it as my 'little project' and asks when I'm going to give it up and become a proper housewife....?!

He is so sexist and chauvinistic. I could write an essay on examples of awful comments and ridiculous things he has said ('women shouldn't drink', 'women shouldn't play sport' etc). Anyway, he has just shared a post on Facebook about 1950s housewife 'rules' - like having the man's slippers warming by the fire and supper on the table for when he gets back from work. I know it's all tongue in cheek, but coming from him, it's not funny. It's a real article from the 1950s and women have worked hard to not just be a man's skivvy. To me it's almost as bad as a racist posting something about the rules black slaves should follow.

Can anyone help we with a short, sharp, witty remark for me to comment on his post?

OP posts:
melonscoffer · 04/06/2018 22:49

For the father in laws benefit.

ChattyLion · 04/06/2018 22:51

TBH probably it needs to come from your husband. If your FIL is an extreme misogynist, he won’t care what you think.
He’s already saying that he thinks you’re worthless because you are female, via all those comments.

Congratulations on your business, Flowers employing 9 people is really impressive.

smithsinarazz · 04/06/2018 22:52

Mine's a tosser as well ;D

He can think like that if he likes. Hardly anyone else does. He can't do you any harm. Better for the blood pressure to just stop reading his twattish comments. xx

DadDadDad · 04/06/2018 22:53

Someone might pay a lot of money for your FIL one day:

www.theguardian.com/science/2018/jun/04/new-dinosaur-species-carnivorous-allosaurus-paris-auction-france

Grin
AdoraBell · 04/06/2018 22:56

Sounds like my PIL, she’s worse than him actually, I agree to unfriendly him.

spontaneousgiventime · 04/06/2018 22:58

I would just say "my little project might be what pays for your care home one day" the unfriend him.

annandale · 04/06/2018 23:02

Don't rise on FB - block him. FB is the vomit of Beelzebub anyway. [Yes I'm still on the bloody thing].

In real life if he asks you when you are going to give up your little project just say 'when I'm a millionaire' or just laugh at him 'You're so sweet' pat him on the head. You sound like you put your business down a little bit yourself - being surrounded by this shit does that to people. You employ 9 people?? Half the Establishment would wet themselves if they were asked to manage that many people, never mind actually employ them. He's a numbskull. Just feel a private joy that you never have to employ HIM or anyone like him.

JoanFrenulum · 04/06/2018 23:03

Trying to fight millennia of patriarchy with witty comebacks is a bit of a heartbreaking project. Better not to engage, if you can; living well as an egalitarian is the best revenge there really. At family events and so on my favourite phrase is "I'm going to pretend you didn't just say that" and merrily ignore.

SleightOfMind · 04/06/2018 23:04

He’s basically trolling you in real life because he’s feeling threatened.

My Fil is is terribly old school and would secretly love me to stay at home and magically turn DH into a Master of the Universe Grin
He’s also very kind and, despite being a wicked old stoat who loves to set cats amongst pigeons, he’d never be as mean as to say the things your Fil has come out with.

Mine tried to bully us a bit about things in the early days (toys exited prams about not getting married in church) but nothing like you’re experiencing.

Stand firmly and calmly by your convictions.

Walk away if you want to but, If you do try and find out why he feels the way he does and genuinely seek to understand his experiences, I bet he’ll be more open to change than you think.

For context, I’m mixed race married into a very white family and have found that a little kindness from me has gone a little my way.

SarahCarer · 04/06/2018 23:05

"Trying to fight millennia of patriarchy with witty comebacks is a bit of a heartbreaking project." So true

SleightOfMind · 04/06/2018 23:06

A long way Blush Sorry

Polynerd · 04/06/2018 23:09

What attitude does your husband take Tail?

SleightOfMind · 04/06/2018 23:11

My Fil is a lecturer at a good uni and his view on women undergrads has turned 180 as a result of have a breadwinning Dil.

The personal is the political. Don’t underestimate the ripple effect you can have on changing those closest to you by genuinely engaging with them.

Tailfeather · 05/06/2018 17:34

@Polynerd My husband is normal! He is proud of me and what I have achieved and works with and employs lots of women. The chauvinism definitely hasn't spread to him.

Interestingly him and his brother have married independent capable women and his sister has married a soft-mannered sweet guy and she is the main breadwinner (much to FIL's disgust). They have married the complete opposite of their parents!

OP posts:
Tailfeather · 05/06/2018 17:36

@ChattyLion Sadly I think you're right. I was hoping to think of something really clever to publicly shame him, but you're right.

I have unfollowed him. I'll keep my dignity and pride.

OP posts:
Tailfeather · 05/06/2018 17:40

I can't afford to fall out with the in-laws in real life. They are the only family we have and I want my son to have grandparents. (Although this will not last if he ever makes any comments in front of my little boy). We live miles away and only see them 2 or 3 times a year. In fact, they are coming to stay this weekend! Joy! I usually bite my tongue...but love some of the comebacks here so will definitely be using some if he dares to make any comments....

OP posts:
AmazingPostVoices · 05/06/2018 17:47

You’ve done the right thing, he’s looking for a public bun fight, don’t give him one.

Do calmly challenge any sexist statements made in front of your children though (engage with the child not the adult eg Grandad is wrong and no one has thought that way for 30 years).

My FIL and to a lesser extent my MIL occasionally express low level sexism. We challenge comments when they come up and have had private conversations with our children explaining that Granddad/Grandma is wrong and why.

Mumminmum · 07/06/2018 18:27

How about this for an answer: "But women could easier cope with that kind of crap in the 1950'ies, because back then GPs handed out Valium as if it was sugar free candy .....Which reminds me: Do we have any whisky?" Wink

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/06/2018 19:09

IRL block him as you have done.

In my fantasy; write "brilliant post, I'll print it out for DH so he knows what to do for me after work. I'd love some warmed slippers".

highinthesky · 07/06/2018 21:45

I can't afford to fall out with the in-laws in real life. They are the only family we have and I want my son to have grandparents. (Although this will not last if he ever makes any comments in front of my little boy). We live miles away and only see them 2 or 3 times a year. In fact, they are coming to stay this weekend! Joy! I usually bite my tongue...but love some of the comebacks here so will definitely be using some if he dares to make any comments....

If he pushes his luck you could always remind him not to spend his grandson's inheritance. Obnoxious might be the only attitude he understands Grin

Anlaf · 07/06/2018 22:06

Sadly there is no emoji, maybe a 🦆as closest living relative?

Trying to fight millennia of patriarchy with witty comebacks is a bit of a heartbreaking project

This is also true. Treat him like a research project if that helps, or keep him unfollowed on FB (bliss).

Fixing his views is not your job. In time it might be fun to try, but til then I'd say fuck him and keep him blocked/unfollowed/muted.

fmsfms · 07/06/2018 22:36

girls rule, women are funny, get over it

badg3r · 08/06/2018 19:11

What you need to do is leave it a week or so then write a really gushing post tagging your DH about how wonderful he is to have tidied up, done the ironing, cooked the dinner and got the kids off to bed while you were working late/commuting back from a conference/...
Don't tag FIL, don't mention it, but he will see it and so will a lot of his friends...

SantaClauseMightWork · 08/06/2018 19:15

I would start with "I do t mean to sound rude at all but I think.....". Then fill in the blank with whatever comes to your mind. That's what I have done and it gives me great satisfaction. I wouldn't care what the twat thinks. And yy to unfriending him on Facebook if he is such a twat there.

SantaClauseMightWork · 08/06/2018 19:16

If he pushes his luck you could always remind him not to spend his grandson's inheritance. Obnoxious might be the only attitude he understands
Lol

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