Matricentric feminism - the need for feminism to recognise the experience of mothers

[EmilyDickinson]

mommuseum.org/aint-i-a-feminist-matricentric-feminism-feminist-mamas-and-why-mothers-need-a-feminist-movementtheory-of-their-own/

There's an interesting article in the Guardian today (I'll link in a minute) that refers to this more detailed article.

What an interesting thread.

Has anyone else noticed how good a lot of men get at 'parenting' babies and little children when they become grandparents? The work culture needs to be what changes.

Feeling kind of sad. I really feel I got very little support post-natally with DD2. I was let down by the NHS, by the state in all its guises, by my parents and by DH. I bet my experience is really common.

Yy, it is. We’re told that it is what being a woman/mother is.

We’re told that it is what being a woman/mother is

Challenge this. Your challenge might not work, but it is important that we don't just sit in silence.

Personally IME grandfathers have been better than when they were fathers but also they retain an individualist approach still. They approach the role as ‘my time with my grandchildren’.

My dad; when DD was a baby my mum and I left her napping in the travelcot whilst we popped to B&Q. My mum had left the dinner in the oven and there was fat in the roasting tin. Five minutes after arrival at the shop my dad called my mum. He was panicking because ‘the baby is crying and the oven is smoking’....

🙄🙄🙄🙄

I do challenge it where I can but equally when things like this happen it is usually also when you are least able to challenge it.

How h behaved when the twins were small was one of the main reasons I left him years later.

It is a problem that needs something more effective than simply expecting individual women to challenge it individually when it is actually happening IMO.

‘You should complain’ is pretty useless when you can’t even wash yourself, you haven’t slept for months, you are bleeding heavily and it’s 6 month’s post birth so you are anaemic etc etc...

‘You should complain’ usually becomes ‘you should’ve complained at the time’.

We’re told that it is what being a woman/mother is

Challenge this. Your challenge might not work, but it is important that we don't just sit in silence.

Agree, but it's difficult to do this on an individual level when so vulnerable post birth.

Complaining also often makes zero difference and actually often results in being told you are mentally ill TBH because this is what being a mother is like and you should be able to cope.

The work culture needs to be what changes.

Totally agree.

We don't always want to challenge though.

It's too big a fight at times and I don't always want to be using myself and my family as a battering ram.

I gave up a good career and became a SAHM.
Never did get back to that career.
But what I have found instead are huge freedoms and I am very glad I didn't stay in my career path.

Does take a supportive partner though.

You should complain’ usually becomes ‘you should’ve complained at the time’.

What rule of misogyny is this? Men behaving badly is a woman's fault?

The work culture needs to be what changes. agree but not only this, male entitlement and toxic masculinity too,

Dh is a nice man, a good man, yet thought nothing of complaining to me post difficult csection, bloody, in pain, raw nipples, leaking, no sleep, couldn't sit up, that no one was asking how he felt. Mutiple times.

I do think his feelings are important but at that time I should not have been made responsible for giving a shit honestly. I had his tiny daughter that had been surgically removed from my uterus and I was trying to keep both of us alive. That was enough.

I think the complaining thing is founded on; 1st rule of misogyny: Women are responsible for what men do.

I know that wasn’t the point re urging women to complain BTW.

BUT, how many women recognise the circular discussion with menfolk;

Woman; [complaint]
Man; [placate make no change]

Woman; [complaint]
Man; [placate make no change]

Woman; [more assertively complain]
Man; [complain woman is mean, does not respond re complaint]

Woman; ‘Please can you listen to me?!’
Man; ‘Why didn’t you say anything earlier?!’

This is usually after woman has been struggling in silence for a while trying to work out if there is something wrong with her because she’s finding performing the mother role very difficult.

This is often not conscious choice from men. Socialisation for men says women are complainers and teaches them how to avoid listening/doing anything because making concessions to a woman is emasculating.

The personal is also political.

Luckily I have a partner who supports me 120%.

They also get socialised into the same thing that keeps women struggling in silence re what motherhood is meant to be like.

And they have their own anxieties re their own performance of ‘father’.

Many women then get funnelled onto anti depressants and told they have PND.

I think this is scandalous because it is clear that real actual PND is very different to ‘struggling with something hard and needing help’ and ADs in this situation just fob women off, medicate them into silence and transfer the problem from society/partner to the woman.

Dh is a nice man, a good man, yet thought nothing of complaining to me post difficult csection, bloody, in pain, raw nipples, leaking, no sleep, couldn't sit up, that no one was asking how he felt. Mutiple times

Really? Did you tell him to fuck off and die? Because I would have done.

And NO it's not women's responsibility to complain etc. - but sitting passively is not going to work either.

Since my dad went deaf and needed hearing aids he has been literally switching my mum off when she says something he doesn’t like.

"Personally IME grandfathers have been better than when they were fathers but also they retain an individualist approach still. They approach the role as ‘my time with my grandchildren"

My point was to illustrate that men can miraculously acquire these skills when they want to (just as many women have to) and there's nothing innate about looking after and entertaining an infant but I do agree with what you are saying. Like with the SAHDs I know of, they choose to do the bits that what they want to do.

Really? Did you tell him to fuck off and die? Because I would have done.

Yet No, I hadn't discovered mumsnet fwr back then to help me out of the fog of female socialisation. Mumsnet helped me through that time though. Agree about not being passive but this is why feminism is important (and to get back to the op why motherhood needs consideration as part of feminism) - to help women in vulnerable situations who can't help themselves.

7th rule of misogyny: Women should always be grateful to men for everything.

This is why the response to our complaints are usually met with anger and veiled threats. Or even a bit of DARVO.

I've really enjoyed reading this thread. Thanks to the op and to Offred and slightlyglittermaned whose contributions I've particularly appreciated. My dh is a sahd who carries the full weight of responsibility for family and for the home and has done for a very long time. He uses 'motherease,' speaks with a more high pitched voice to our toddler, carries the mental load for the family etc etc. For spells of our marriage when work was particularly high pressured I behaved like a 1950s husband. Often when I've read threads on here I have felt guilty and been challenged over how I treat him. I have repeatedly walked past stuff on the stairs, been distant and unavailable to our dc, not known how to operate the washing machine etc. I have ignored how he has facilitated my career by caring for our dc and taken all the credit. Now we have more of a balance in our relationship thankfully. But I have come to think that parenting roles are massively important for liberation of both sexes. Now I'm in a key leadership position i can concentrate on making the workplace somewhere where people with family responsibilities can succeed and flourish.