Online Support for Women

[womanformallyknownaswoman]

What's useful and what's not in the various support forums you use/d. If you have been the target of any male violence (physical, sexual, financial, stalking, emotional, psychological etc), or trying to help someone who is/has been - what helped and what didn't?

What's the one thing, as a radfem, you want to be different regarding online forums for women?

On the abuse forum the thing that came up over and over was the importance of making a plan and getting copies of important papers, spare keys, that sort of thing either stashed at a friends or squirreled away in case of a grab and go.
Know the law where you are, especially if you are not in your native country.
I will think a bit and see what I can remember.

The plan - yes - either getting one to leave or after leaving unexpectedly, what to do next - great point

The best thing I found was a blog with a really busy comments section, where women talked about the patterns and power dynamics under the abuse as well as the abuse itself. So it wasn't just "this happened to me", it was more "let's look at the underlying misogyny in what happened to all of us."

Also did not go down a self-help route of "what is wrong with me that I subconsciously attracted a man who abused me", which was a refreshing change.

Knowing the practical steps to take. My main fears surrounded how to apply for benefits, how to find housing, how I would survive financially.

These were the stumbling blocks that stopped me moving on for many years. Clear and detailed guides on who to contact and what resources are available would have helped hugely. In then I stumbled through it and made lots of mistakes - such as not claiming tax credits for the first 6 months despite being eligible.

The list for what's not helpful
-there's something wrong with you for you to be allowing yourself to be abused in the first place
-to show how healed and not a victim you are go on to have a healthy relationship with a man, if you stay single you are a) damaged b) letting the bastard control you even now

-get help from friends and family (what if the friends are his and your family doesn't want you to break up a family/being shamed etc)
-if you have kids then the kids still need a relationship with their father (fucking bullshit.)

Helpful
-your not alone and there are others like you who have survived
-it's systematic
-they use different methods but it stems from the same place so physical violence and coercive control are different strokes from the same brush
-resources women can access EASILY
-children won't be damaged from you deciding to leave
-celebration of how amazing mum's can be and how a single mum can be more than enough even if she's isolated from wider family

• you alone are worthy and enough

Something that I came across that was hmmm and i havent found an answer to

-there's apparently a difference between domestic violence perpetrators and men who are psychopaths. I had an experience of a psychopath and i didn't understand how that was different from DV abusers (results were the same i was in danger) and I felt further isolated due to that. I had me a weird situation so how would i access resources when the resources were aimed at dv victims?

there's apparently a difference between domestic violence perpetrators and men who are psychopaths. I had an experience of a psychopath and i didn't understand how that was different from DV abusers (results were the same i was in danger) and I felt further isolated due to that. I had me a weird situation so how would i access resources when the resources were aimed at dv victims?

I am unclear if this is a question - happy to assist - just unsure whether it a quote or a question around your experience that is still unanswered

really busy comments section, where women talked about the patterns and power dynamics under the abuse as well as the abuse itself.

I haven't seen one like that - apart from here - the forums I have been on tend to be either abuse related and discourage analysis other than "he's an abuser" or feminist ones.

I would love a safe radfem one like you describe. However it's important to separate content between crisis planning and abuse awareness I think - 2 very different needs.

Knowing the practical steps to take.

yes agree the advocacy is essential plus "walking alongside"

That site doesn't exist any more, sadly. It was transformative for me when I found it though.

A lot of the internet advice I found about abusive relationships while I was still trying to mentally process mine was written by people who hadn't themselves been through it. This doesn't mean bad advice necessarily - it is entirely possible to understand and give practical useful advice without directly experiencing that situation yourself. But sadly that doesn't always happen, some people are well-intentioned but entirely useless.

Once I was out of the immediate danger of the situation, I found it much more productive to discuss with other women who had been through it. That way we could have more detailed conversations without any of us having to feel defensive about why we'd done/not done what we had, or spell out in detail exactly what does and doesn't count as abuse, and so on.

woman the statement was just something I paraphrased after looking into support, a distinction was made between the two but that was it.
It was information that I found that got wedged in as miscellaneous.

The question was rhetorical. In my case the more people involved the more he upped the stakes. He plays with people, their chess pieces more people = more fun and games. He knows where I am but I don't bait his interest, if I put a step or more wrong he's back to stalking.

So yeah that's a loooong way of saying it's a quote around my experience!

Also in my experience men who are psychopaths use patriachy for their benefit...in my case he saw and understood the system against women more than most people and played with it. This is why i find libfem resources on patriarchy problematic and it's radfem that I needed. He understood the root so I needed to understand the root to understand how he was going to attack me.

Sorry if this is waffle I'm writing while multitasking!

he saw and understood the system against women more than most people and played with it. This is why i find libfem resources on patriarchy problematic and it's radfem that I needed. He understood the root so I needed to understand the root to understand how he was going to attack me.

No not waffle at all - mirrors my experience with them as well. Those with psychopathic tendencies understand the gaps in the legislation/systems and "play around" there as they know they won't get caught. I get it - I found I needed to try to get one step ahead all of the f*ing time, so I would know where they would attack next. But it's exhausting and in the end I realised they are "sicker than I am smarter".

These are the guys that run interference in everyday activities, and launch guerrilla wars that last for years - and they are never held to account ime. It's awful this happened to you and me - these are the guys who kill by stealth not in the open - and so little understood by most services I found. I feel like I had to become a lawyer, a therapist, and a tech wiz kid to just stop myself from going under….

The "gray rock" method is effective with some abusers.

This is a great thread so hope it stays "afloat" and gets added to.

Very, very helpful to me was a book by Lundy Bancroft called "Why does he do that". This is by a man who works with these types of abusive men and describes their actions with perfection. One of my main problems was my ex husband exploited my low self-esteem by eg telling me that people I knew thought I was mad. This book was the first time I saw all the modus operandi of my ex written down and helped sustain my belief that I wasn't mad and needed to get my kids away.

Practical help , well Gingerbread is fantastic. They do a series of information leaflets which you can read or print out off the website. They are mini guides under different headings on all different things you have to deal with as a single/ separating parent eg housing, benefits, children's emotions, your emotions. They were great.
www.gingerbread.org.uk/information/

Thx for all the contributions to date - I am also interested in what people would have liked differently online as well- with hindsight what would have been really helpful?

woman I'm sorry you went through that Agree with the sentiments of "sicker than I am smarter". The tool box you have to develop like you said the therapist, lawyer etc, is amazing. I reached a point a few years ago where I stopped getting upset and started getting amused, i'd learnt some or most of the games and I had really ran out of fucks.

The story you go through with psychopaths is usually unbelievable to the fortunate people who haven't encountered one.

Second terfulike Lundy reference. The book is available as a pdf online so affordable access to boot. Was quite easy reading to not overly taxing I thought...I got through it reasonably quickly and I'm no smarty pants.

Hadn't realised it had a name bewildered Gray Rock Method has some merit.

This a bit left field but there was a trauma visual meditation that was really good (forgot the name can look it up if you want it). It was designed for soilders with PTSD and had proven benefits. Did cost money to download.

Peter A Levine* developed some techniques (hand placements) for grounding yourself.

I was just thinking things like the gray method or NC are hard to implement when a woman is being agitated by an abuser after years of agitation/abuse. Finding your centre in amongst the confusion can help build resilience. Might help women who have been forced to be co-dependent etc. Also it's something a woman can do by herself for herself without accessing outside help or anyone knowing.

I've got my armoury thx - and NC is at the centre of it - puts pressure on the children but had to be the only way for me. The exP doesn't deserve my presence in any form.

Bancroft says it's actually better for the kids if the abuser is totally out of their life as they screw the kids up - which they do. If they don't have a father around, then the children tend to blame themselves but that can be dealt with in therapy. Having an arsehole unrelentingly undermining and sabotaging is what does all the damage to the kids and their ex.