Assertiveness and females-advice

[ChickenMe]

I've been thinking how as females we are really conditioned to be nice to our abusers (and that can include other women)

One area I would like advice is this:

If someone is rude to me or critical I feel I am conditioned into silence. I just go silent and my brain goes DUH. Then, afterwards, I think of the perfect retort!

It's not even about the perfect response, id just like to programme myself to be able to say "er hang on no you don't"

But I seem to be in automatic silence. Like paralysis

How on earth do we train ourselves out of this? I'm sure I'm not alone

Any good books or tips on what to say?

I will add that I'm totally fine with my OH and have no assertiveness issues with him in fact I'm totally up front it's everyone else.

Can't help I'm afraid OP. I did an assertiveness training course years ago, mainly because someone else signed me up for it and I couldn't say no! Spent most of it holding back tears - lots of role play and I hate confrontation. I can be quite passive aggressive though, and it's not a trait I like.

As well as this conditioning, there's a technique people can use to silence us, it makes your brain stop thinking so you cant respond (but I've forgotten what its called so hopefully someone else can remember)

This is why assertiveness classes are so effective, they teach you the techniques to break out of that conditioning, and give you the chance to practice within a group.

One technique I use is to have a small number of stock answers I can use to break out of silence and buy myself some thinking time. They have to be easy to remember and feel natural for your speech patterns.

That's an interesting cross post
I'd say the difference in our experience is that I wanted to take the course.

give us an example of the stock answers?

I did an assertiveness training course years ago, mainly because someone else signed me up for it and I couldn't say no!

I'm sorry you had an awful time on it, that sounds horrible, but this sentence made me chuckle.

I have done this! Its become second nature now and I automatically confront sexism/misogyny/rudeness etc.

I started by practising on my own. Imagine a man saying something you've heard a lot- I chose a comment about my appearance- and reply out loud. Do it again and Asha in. The next time you hear it just do it. Take it from there. I have to plot a lot of trades to attend a difficult location and got sick of them expecting me, the site manager, to make tea, listen to their marital problems etc so I stated saying 'no I'm you're manger, I don't make you drinks' and maintaining eye contact till they apologised. Not smiling is important. Then I am perfectly pleasant to them all day. I have noticed that nipping it on the bud is successful, and I no longer want/expect any man except dh to like me. I want them to respect me and leave me alone.

That was a long winded way of saying 'say No' and don't smile

Yes stock answers sound doable
I remember reading somewhere to turn things back on them
"What do you mean by that"
"What did you say that for"
But my bloody brain just goes blank.
Actually I find women harder to deal with
I've told men to F off but with women that feels unacceptable