Raising a Boy

[MyOtherUserNameIsAUnicorn]

I'm lying here next to my beautiful 13 week old boy wondering how we raise our boys to not be the patriarchy.
He's white, I guess middle class, and a boy. He's going to grow up with so much inherent privilege. I know I'm going to teach him respect and consent but what else? Anyone with older boys help me on this?

wish. I agree. I hate the way so many young people have to battle depression now.

Beyond, I assumed I'd have girls.

Dh is one of all boys. He came into parenting believing that it was really important that his son believing he was strong and brave, because he's a boy. Took me a while to unpick it partly as I hadn't really thought about stereotypes before beyond basic things at work. It probably forced me to explore these issues a bit more than I otherwise would have.

Society does influence children from a very young age and many kids know that they're a boy or a girl from a young age - mine knew he couldn't bf his toys from around 2.5 so would hand them to me. I remember my son parroting things he'd heard at Nursery from other boys regarding pink etc around 2.5-3 too. I've had to challenge things much earlier than I thought.

For boys and girls, open honest talk about bodies and body parts including penises and vulvas from a young age is really important too, and includes awareness of what is a private part and consent. This is seen as a child protection thing in schools but I don't think is started young enough.

I bought the claire raynor body book (as I think it's stood the test of time) and a couple of others that are good (the CR book I think is still the simplest bit doesn't really cover consent etc). I'll link later.

OP congrats on your baby boy I love having two sons, especially after feeling disappointment at both their 20 week scans - I thought I wanted daughters! Now they are 14 and 16 and an absolute joy most of the time.

I read Raising Boys when DS1 was tiny. Lots of guff, as said, but the stuff I took away from it was about the importance of loads of male role models, especially as I would be the main carer ( DH works away for 3-4 days at a time so I gave up work) All through primary school particularly, I was aware of the many many women who were part of their lives and did a mostly excellent job WRT formal education, swimming lessons, nurturing, kindness, etc. And I looked for local activities that happened to be run by men (football, tennis) so that they would get a balanced input. And encouraged male friends to do stuff with them, which made them all happy.

They seem pretty well-adjusted now. Both very stereotypically "masculine", as is their dad, but both understand sexism, respect and about the fight for equity for the sexes. They claim not to have seen any porn (!) but say their friends have and we've talked about it not being like real life. I am pretty open about female biological stuff, which doesn't even make them squirm any more, and they know they can ask me about anything at all to do with their bodies, etc. They are not interested in girls yet - or boys - and each has a close circle of decent male friends. I do badger them about stuff that's going on in their lives, get them to talk to me about friendship groups, their mates who are dating, what they do in PHSE classes, etc. And sometimes one of them will open up about an issue that's been causing them worry for a few days, and we sort it out. I'd much rather be that annoying nosy mum than the one who doesn't get involved, because I know they'll talk to me when the worst happens, and we'll be able to work through it together. I also totally respect their privacy and confidentiality. They both still love a cuddle or some one to one cosy time together so I must have done something right

Oh @Wish 
@Ophelialovescats you are right of course, and I do understand not to overthink too much.
I think what I'm trying to unpick is how I challenge stereotypes, build esteem etc. similarly to some PP I was convinced I had a girl, and I thought I knew how to approach that.
I think role models are essential!
Also good to hear about positive effects of co sleeping. I'm not sure I could get him to sleep anywhere else!

@wish that was supposed to have

Since your baby is still tiny, think about the early stuff. Buy picture books that feature central characters who are girls as well as boys. Buy gender neutral early learning toys - or, in these days of aggressively gendered products, buy the pink ones and the blue ones! When you're praising them, don't just use the "boy" words like brave, use the "girl" words like kind. Mostly though - don't stress it.

Ah thanks, you two.

sorry, I was just feeling it a bit this morning, as he was pretty down when he left the house for school.

on a plus, He's very open and does talk to me and DH, about pretty much anything. he is thoughtful and kind.

It always surprised me when he asks how my day has been I suppose I just assumed most teens to be too wrapped up in themselves to remember and ask about their parents lives.

I maybe should have read raising boys.(I didn't know it existed back then) Who knows though, lots can be said of hindsight.

I prefer "well done" to good boy etc.

Really useful as you can tell them what was done well.

Isn't it sad that we have to think this hard about it at such a young age?
My son is nearly 3, he has a doll and a pushchair as well as trains and dinosaurs, DVD favourites are Frozen as well as Dinosaurs, he def see's his Daddy do the housework but I am a SAHP atm and wider family are critical of him having longer hair and "girl" toys. I do worry about what societies expectations are for a white working class boy and that they aren't largely aspirational, as well as worrying about who he will be in the world

We're really lucky with ours' school. There is a pretty much equal split of male/female teachers, and the head is a woman (the one role in a primary school where you are more likely to find a man...). The TA who helps out throughout the school is also a man - and even better for my long haired boys, he's a long haired man
The only role that doesn't have a good sex split is the dinner supervisors, but then it's a p/t role so harder to find men who want to do it. Lollipop person is a man though :)

finnmackay.files.wordpress.com/2018/03/raising-boys-the-feminist-way-by-dr-finn-mackay.pdf

We have an amazing 12 year old boy. I'm completely besotted with him.
All I can say the only think that it's going to make him a good man is the love and respect that he has for you.
Teach him what you and other women like and dislike. Make yourself human and share as he gets older your experiences growing up.
The more time he has with you he'll learn how to be a good partner in every aspect of life.
I teach my son as much as I can. He adores me and has great girl friends.
Most of all enjoy him and also fathers teach their son how to treat women.
My husband shows him how is done best way to learn it's to follow example.

Fantastic Finn Mackay link, thank you!

Yes @LangCleg!
Honestly I brought him into work with me last week and was really surprised- three members of staff asked why he had a "girls' toy" (hippo ballerina) luckily for my gender neutral toy-ing I'm the last of my friends to have a baby and most of them have donated toys and clothes my way, so he's off to a good start.

I think watching my language is important. I can't remember the name of the growth mindset writer that talks about specific praise...

This is a really interesting discussion.

Congratulations OP
As many have said already, don’t stress it. Teach him about the correct anatomical terms as soon as he can talk, especially vulvas as opposed to vaginas, teach him about consent and bodily autonomy. And most of all teach him critical thinking skills, teach him that it’s ok to not know the answer as long as you keep questioning. Oh and as Lang mentioned buy the blue AND the pink stuff. I love my 3 boys, they are great.

Carol Dweck? (Sp?) or a different one?

I've currently completed a marathon going through and washing of baby clothes.

I mostly bought cheaply from supermarkets - I've been quite sad that so much of it is blue and brown but I do remember the girls stuff was overly frilly and pink (id have probably bought the 'boys' stuff for a girl to be fair). I bought some lovely colourful stuff from second hand events back then which are welcome additions to the haul, I'm trying to add to it via trawling eBay etc.

I wasn't as clued into this 5 years ago, and neither were shops actually, but I do remember standing in m and s feeling quite exasperated and sad that the boys stuff was so dull and dark. The girls stuff had lovely purples and teal patterns but were all dresses.

Supermarkets need to get their acts together.

I have two boys (admittedly still very young; 4 and 2), and I think modelling behaviours is quite important at this age as it's how they learn. So dh and I are very careful not to describe things as 'girls' or 'boys' stuff or split work into boys and girls.

I found the easiest way of teaching consent at this age is through borrowing toys or using things that they had permission for; just because they were allowed the first time doesn't mean they are allowed it every time, they still have to ask each time.

It's hard now that school friends are becoming more of an influence so I guess it's a continuous learning curve.

One personal observation on the toy front is that it's not just the concept of girls/boys toys but have you noticed that media and toy sets aimed at girls are much more inclusive of men than the other way around? Male characters are still quite prominent even when not cantered.

Compare that to a media/toys franchise directed at boys and you might if your lucky get a token woman/girl on the team, and even then toys of said character will be as rare as rocking horse shit.

I'm probably a little more lax on the issue of having toys being gender neutral than you guys, but I do see its undermining to girls to see themselves not represented in certain toy/television/film lines, which might lead them to be less inclined to "choose" those things, and boys to accept without question the concept of spaces women simply do not occupy.

I find tickling an easy way to teach consent. And play fighting (I do allow play fighting from my boys, my reasoning being because I'd allow it in girls too- I have thought this one over a lot !)