How to raise the next generation of feminists

[Bumpitybumper]

This is something I've been wondering about lately. It seems that true change takes several generations and I am really keen that the next generation of young men and women take a massive step forward in trying to dismantle the patriarchy and remove the sexism that just seems so prevalent at the moment. So obviously I want to parent my kids in a manner that is conducive to this aim, but the big challenge is how do I do it?

So somethings span both sexes such as education about how society is currently imbalanced and the obvious issues such as the impact of porn etc. As I have a girl and boy though I was also thinking of specific areas of focus for each.

Have any of you any tips about this? Particularly interested to hear from parents on teen/adult kids to hear if their approach worked.

My children understand at a core level that there is no such thing as a girl brain or a boy brain.
They can recite that!
But they also know that the world treats boys and girls differently in ways that are very unfair, and that their job is always to challenge that when they see it.
They are both still primary age.

Thanks Barracker. Do you pitch things differently for different sexes or are they all the same sex?

I do pitch them differently when required. DD is older, perceptive, sharp as a tack and mature.
Ds is younger, immature and more impressionable.

I try to equip DD to recognise this stuff, push back and be resilient to pressure to conform.
I teach Ds to challenge his friends and point out sexist nonsense.

Of course I am really more worried about DD.
I think one of the best skills I can equip them with is the ability to know they may sometimes be the odd one out but to be able to tolerate the discomfort that brings.
I think the natural desire to fit in with friends can become toxic if you never learn how to resist it when your conscience tells you that something isn't right.

I only have a DD so can't advise on introducing different lessons for different children.

As soon as the first hints of "boys can be doctors and girls can be nurses" etc appeared when she started at nursery, we nipped it in the bud. She now gets her toy medical kit out and DH has to be the nurse while she is the doctor.

I go out to work full time and DH is a SAHD so that's helped us with teaching her that it isn't a case of men work and women look after the babies. We read Good Night Stories for Rebel Girls as a bedtime story most nights and talk about what each woman did and why they needed to do it, so she now has a basic understanding of women being oppressed, not allowed to do things they want to do because they're women etc. I thought a lot of it would go straight over her head (she's 4) but they're nice bedtime stories - but she surprised me when the next morning she told DH the story of the Mirabal sisters, so some of it is sinking in

Best of luck, I'm also interested in reading the replies from parents of older children and teens. Right now I feel like we're at a good level but there are so many issues I don't know how to raise with her as she gets older.

My children are both quite young but I teach them about the general idea of consent - so if someone else says stop you stop immediately. If someone says no, you don't try and persuade them to say yes or ignore the no.

I also try and avoid using male as the default, so characters in books I call she/her unless they specify otherwise. Even then, when reading to my children I often swap the sex if the lead character is male. I'll also edit out any sexist stuff if there is any.

I make a conscious effort not to assume the sex of any unknown person, or if we're talking generally about roles. So I'd say firefighter, police officer, etc rather than assume that they are male. I don't assume that nurses are female and doctors male for example.

I try and talk about feelings and name them so that my children can recognise them. I don't shy away from anger or sadness, but try and show how to handle it appropriately. The BBC program about boys and girls in a primary school class had a shocking section where the only emotion the majority of the boys could name was anger, and they couldn't express anger other than aggressively. I don't want my two boys to be like that.

I don't shy away from traditionally male tasks around the house, and my partner doesn't shy away from traditional female tasks.

There's probably lots more, too.

A few of Gloria Steinem quotes I like:

*We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters.

If you're going to have a male-dominant system, to maintain the system, you have to teach men to dominate.

Gender is probably the most restricting force in American life.

A gender-equal society would be one where the word 'gender' does not exist: where everyone can be themselves.*

I think being honest and talking about sex, gender, stereotypes, emotional literacy (for both but especially boys).

I think open discussions about sex and porn are important. Consent.

As assassinated says, that bbc documentary, no more boys and girls, really demonstrated how to try to target these issues between the sexes in childhood. Up for a BAFTA so probably on tv again soon.

I liked the way they (briefly) made the link to boy's emotional literacy (lack of) and male violence. And girls gendered toys and lack of women in STEM.

It's very hard as everything kids can wear and buy is very gendered.

EkphrasisI think it is the boy that I find conceptually harder. I know that respect, consent etc are all important to teach in regards to how they treat women and girls. I just wonder if there is something more I can do with regards to how they perceive themselves if you know what I mean?

I have 4 DD's (all under 10 so can't say whether or not my approach is working just yet!) so this is something I am very conscious of.

We read lots of books together with positive female role models (both fiction and non fiction)- grace for president, princess smartypants, Rosie revere engineer, girls are best, goodnight stories for rebel girls, fantastically great women who made history.

We've squashed the gender confines of toys and activities- as well as baby Annabel and a play kitchen, in our play room you can also find plenty of cars, doctors sets, science kits etc. As well as their 'girly' activities like ballet and gymnastics, DD1 does karate and DD2 plays football- two things I desperately wanted to do as a child but my mum wouldn't let me because they were for boys!

DH is useless at DIY so every time there's a shelf to be put up or door to be oiled I do it and I get the girls to 'help' me. We share tasks like washing and cooking so from an early age I hope that the girls have watched their dad do what are traditionally 'female' tasks and accepted this as normal.

We make sure our praise doesn't just focus on their appearance. Often when I'm reading the girls stories we'll have discussions about why things were harder for the women in the historical books compared to now etc and I make sure to praise them when they contribute with things like 'well done DD1, that was a really thoughtful point you made'. When they're playing with lego I'll tell them their building is brilliant. Tiny little things that I'm sure every parent does, but when we're out and about visiting family and friends they often get told what 'pretty little girls' they are rather than 'how big and strong' their getting like they would be if they were boys, so I try extra hard at home to praise other things to compensate.

I encourage them to get excited and involved in STEM subjects. We frequently visit the science museum and wellcome collection on Saturdays, and at Christmas and birthdays they often get lots of science based 'kits' to play with.

I never talk in self depreciating terms about myself around the girls. Kids pick up so much about body image from parents without even realising it, and we are our daughters biggest role models. Ive always suffered a lot with my body image but when I have negative thoughts I stamp all over the voice by saying 'I would never tell my daughters X,Y,Z so why am I saying it to myself?'. I try to exude confidence around them and speak about my body with pride.

I teach them about my job as much as possible. During half term DH often brings them to my shift change-overs so they can see me in my uniform and come inside the ambulance. When I was younger I worked in the media sector and have lots of successful female friends who still work in it, one friend in particular runs her own production company and over Christmas she let my eldest daughter spend the morning with her at work to see how things are done. My mum was a stay at home mum and growing up I didn't really know any women who worked, and this led to a huge crisis of confidence when I left university, so it's important to me that my girls have lots of working female role models.

Those are the main things I can think of. I'm looking forward to getting some more ideas on this thread!

Op I find that hard too.

I have a boy and another on the way. Coming from a family with lots of women and a sister, It made me realise quite a lot of things about how boys are brought up abc perceived. I teach mainly boys too (with Sen).

Becoming quite gender critical helped a lot of things fall into place. There are a lot of empowering things for girls now but it's actually quite hard to see where to get the balance right for boys.

I'm probably more mindful of how my son perceives the roles I play in the family - eg that I'm equally capable of using a tool box (the thing is Dh does tend to do that.)

He's got into sewing and wants to knit etc - I'm trying to keep that open )he's not quite got the skill level yet!) things like that. But really the emotional literacy stuff of the most important I feel.

Have a look at sonshine magazine for some ideas too.

sonshinemagazine.com

I'm
Hoping they don't fold; I think it's got valuable legs.

I follow a lot of things on fb linked to attachment parenting type things; they often have articles about how to raise children to be able to deal with these issues and bits especially.

I follow Steve biddulph too. Although his book on raising boys is a bit sexist, he shares useful articles.

Micheal Conroy on Twitter is worth looking up too.

Michael

Ekphrasis

Thanks and yes I will definitely check out that magazine.

I think one of the major issues I can see is that ultimately the current landscape does actually favour boys and men overall and I guess it's a harder sell to people that may lose some of their privilege in the new order. I see elements of this with my DH who supports feminism, but definitely finds the kids of privilege hard.

*loss of privilege

I think it's already changing for boys. School doesn't always fit well for boys; teaching styles often favour girls (or the way they're socialised) girls are tending to achieve more.

Both sexes benefit from learning about mindset, especially mistake making a perfectionism. I think tackling mental health is different for boys and girls, though these days there are some cross overs (boys and image trying to build muscle etc).

I think communicating what's important for girls to boys and what important for boys to girls also helps a lot.

Differences are ultimately due to socialisation from the world around us so the first step is to be extremely good at spotting it!

Maybe I see it differently though; I deal with mostly boys in my place of work. It feels like they're disadvantaged genetically due to conditions such as Autism and adhd as well as socially - the emotional literacy skills that adults have around them, and their perception of how boys should be.

I don't really understand why there are always more boys in Sen schools.

Bookmarking

Such a worthwhile topic

For girls, even just the little things at primary school age is likely to work (worked on me). Start with the 'you can be anything you want to be', and when a bit older, point out 'the system'. When teens, point out the consent/predatory/porn stuff (and female 'beauty rituals' etc) work up to objectification, male gaze.

For boys, I really don't know. Patriarchy is 'a seductive mistress' and few males can ever resist its charms, it seems. The power of a preferential treatment system (to be a part of) is so very hard to resist. So maybe, that is the direction that boys need to be aware of (as well as consent, obvs).