Bit of Wendy Cope poetry to cheer everyone up

[Wanderabout]

He tells her that the Earth is flat—
He knows the facts, and that is that.
In altercations fierce and long
She tries her best to prove him wrong.
But he has learned to argue well.
He calls her arguments unsound
And often asks her not to yell.
She cannot win. He stands his ground.

The planet goes on being round.

That's very good.

Love it.

I also like men and their boring arguments

girlwithherheadinabook.co.uk/2016/07/saturday-poem-men-and-their-boring-arguments.html

I wonder how many characters are in that....

love Wendy Cope. This Pam Ayres is good as well

You know this world is complicated, imperfect and oppressed
And it’s not hard to feel timid, apprehensive and depressed.
It seems that all around us tides of questions ebb and flow
And people want solutions but they don’t know where to go.

Opinions abound but who is wrong and who is right.
People need a prophet, a diffuser of the light.
Someone they can turn to as the crises rage and swirl.
Someone with the remedy, the wisdom, and the pearl.

Well . . . they should have asked my ‘usband, he’d have told’em then and there.
His thoughts on immigration, teenage mothers, Tony Blair,
The future of the monarchy, house prices in the south
The wait for hip replacements, BSE and foot and mouth.

Yes . . . they should have asked my husband he can sort out any mess
He can rejuvenate the railways he can cure the NHS
So any little niggle, anything you want to know
Just run it past my husband, wind him up and let him go.

Congestion on the motorways, free holidays for thugs
The damage to the ozone layer, refugees and drugs.
These may defeat the brain of any politician bloke
But present it to my husband and he’ll solve it at a stroke.

He’ll clarify the situation; he will make it crystal clear
You’ll feel the glazing of your eyeballs, and the bending of your ear.
Corruption at the top, he’s an authority on that
And the Mafia, Gadafia and Yasser Arafat.

Upon these areas he brings his intellect to shine
In a great compelling voice that’s twice as loud as yours or mine.
I often wonder what it must be like to be so strong,
Infallible, articulate, self-confident …… and wrong.

When it comes to tolerance – he hasn’t got a lot
Joyriders should be guillotined and muggers should be shot.
The sound of his own voice becomes like music to his ears
And he hasn’t got an inkling that he’s boring us to tears.

My friends don’t call so often, they have busy lives I know
But its not everyday you want to hear a windbag suck and blow.
Encyclopaedias, on them we never have to call
Why clutter up the bookshelf when my husband knows it all!

From a brilliant person who I think might be a mumsnetter
(hey, Im just a fan, not a stalker)
Im sure its been posted many times, but its great

he tells her (after Wendy Cope)

He tells her he's a woman too
He has a ladybrain
He tells her his identity
and hers; they are the same
He tells her not to talk about
her body; it's not fair
her body is her privilege
his own, a cross to bear

He tells her that she cannot talk
Or otherwise allude
to what her female body does
It's nasty to exclude
He says respect diversity
except he would prefer
that she would not point out the ways
that he's diverse from her

He tells her that biology
does not impact her life
she should still bear his children
but she must call him 'wife'
He says that words must all evolve
She must learn to make do
And now that woman is his word
He's taking 'female' too

He tells her that a woman is
whatever he decides
He will not put it into words
She must not ask, he chides
He tells her he is more oppressed
Than she has ever been
He says she must agree with him
or else she's being mean

She searches for the words she needs
To talk about herself
The billions who exist like her
their lives, their rights, their health
Whatever word she chooses now
He finds a way to spin it
The conversation carries on

But she's no longer in it

#WokePoetry

I dont understand why DJ wants to punish us all

From a brilliant person who I think might be a mumsnetter
(hey, Im just a fan, not a stalker)
Im sure its been posted many times, but its great

The fantastic Rachel Irischild, who also wrote this:

"fuck some terfs up"

oh, dear, what can the matter be?
there's a debate in the community library
it's run by women, although they've invited me
asked me to offer my views
they want to discuss the new laws on equality
women and girls and transgender identity
but if I go they will mention biology
let's all stay home and refuse

oh, dear, despite our pullout they all
want to continue with talking about it all
how can they talk by themselves now without us all
why won't these women submit
we'll lobby and pressure and bully the venue
and make sure that free speech is not on their menu
'cause if you don't cancel it for us, well then you
are seen as transphobic as shit

oh dear, we thought we'd shut it down
turns out the meeting is going ahead in town
where's the new venue, lets have a big ringaround
let's go and fuck up some terfs
and when I assault them I'll say they incited me
say they're excluding me, though they invited me
I get to punch them if I feel they slighted me
grind their heads into the earth

oh, dear, someone is filming me
that puts a kink in my big plan for battery
that, and the fact that my clothes are unique to me
but I have got a new plan
I'll pull up my hoody behind all the placards an'
run out and hit her and cause a big fracas then
grab all the cameras and smash 'em to knacker 'em
though she looks just like my nan

oh dear, I just couldn't grab it
my girlfriend will help me, she'll manage to nab it
my mate's fist is aimed at her face like he'll jab it
this granny she won't stand a chance
she's stolen the camera but right from the get go
the granny has grabbed her and seems quite upset so
my girlfriend has smashed it but granny won't let go
it looks like they're doing a dance

oh dear, what can my plan now be
she was supposed to just stop and submit to me
let me assault her and damage her property
she's not supposed to resist
so enter stage left and I'm sprinting at granny
I'm punching her face with my best double whammy
and I'll get away with it cause I'm a
I'll claim she says I don't exist

oh dear, I legged it successfully
left all my mates chanting "kill all the terfs" for me
they're going to stalk them right up to their destiny
make all those bitches afraid
and though there is video showing I hit her
I'm confident that in a trial by twitter
I'll come out innocent; she'll come out bitter
that's how this game is now played

~Irischild

I don’t have one of my own but I loved every one of them!

Men And Their Boring Arguments

One man on his own can be quite good fun
But don’t go drinking with two –
They’ll probably have an argument
And take no notice of you.

What makes men so tedious
Is the need to show off and compete.
They’ll bore you to death for hours and hours
Before they’ll admit defeat.

It often happens at dinner-parties
Where brother disputes with brother
And we can’t even talk among ourselves
Because we’re not next to each other.

Some men like to argue with women –
Don’t give them a chance to begin.
You won’t be allowed to change the subject
Until you have given in.

A man with the bit between his teeth
Will keep you up half the night
And the only way to get some sleep
Is to say, ‘I expect you’re right.’

I expect you’re right, my dearest love.
I expect you’re right, my friend.
These boring arguments make no difference
To anything in the end.

Wendy Cope

if only my 15 year old was studying one of those amongst all the world war I poems.....

There once was a girl with propensities
to brainstorm on mumsnet intensively
concluding that "cis"
is taking the piss
She's challenges "gender identity".

I love Wendy Cope. I hide away and read it when my husband is pissing me off.

sorry, continuing to lower the tone here. My tribute to the late-lamented poster "professional man" is below.

"There once was a chap with no uterus
Who came here on mumsnet to tutor-us
'bout being more silent
and literal violence
and basically just how astute he was"