DDs friend may be transitioning - how to talk about it to DD?

[Titsywoo]

My DD is in year 8 and has been socially isolated a fair amount but has a small group of friends in other classes who she has been hanging around with. They all seem pretty confused (self harming, threatening suicide, changing their minds re sexual orientation every other week). I've been a bit concerned about how much this has been affecting DD and I know that she's been hiding the fact that she thinks she might be gay from me. She seems to worry about her friends though particularly this one girl. This girl (lets call her A) came out as gay in year 7 and DD also told me A was self harming. This year A has been on lots of diets which DD was concerned about, sent DD a pic of her in the bath with an electrical appliance hanging on the edge (DD informed the school about this) and is now wanting to transition. DD told me today this girl is going to the GP with her mum to discuss it.

I feel sorry for A as she clearly has a lot of issues but DD tends to change herself to suit the friends she has made. We have autism in the family and I was told a few years ago when she was suffering with anxiety that she has some autistic thought processes. I know girls with autism can often have issues with gender identity and I worry about DD getting ideas. I've been concerned about the current trend of gender fluidity anyway (DD and her friends were discussing it a lot in year 7). How do I talk to her about what is happening with her friend without seeming bigoted and possibly pushing her the other way (teens being rebellious by nature!)?

Ooh there was a good thread just the other day....something about an autistic child developing a “superpower” of seeing through gender.....

Not a direct answer, but I would give her the chance to say what she thinks and listen, and gently question her to get her to think a little more if appropriate, or just nod and let her do the talking.

I found at that age that you can't do much about friend groups at school, but we had good pastoral staff who would listen if your were worried. Hobbies out of school help provide more varied social experiences, and a bit of balance and another perspective. Horse riding seems to take off around that age, and volunteering to walk dogs at the RSPCA as a family. If they get to see more outside school, it helps mitigate what is going on there.

Was that on the feminist boards Thanksforthat?

Thank you Spartacus I'll have a read of that :)

Yes that's a good idea Melamin - I think it's all a bit overwhelming for her to be honest. I know teenagers are all figuring out who they are but I don't remember it being this dramatic when I was 13!

I'd second widening her social circle if possible. Turns out I was bisexual and on the spectrum. Didn't discover either until I was an adult. If she is on the spectrum then making friends won't be easy but being around other people who are modelling different ways of expressing themselves but in a more positive way can only be a good thing.

For me, women's football was where I met other gender non-conforming, lesbian and gay girls and how I discovered who I was. Is there something that she's interested in where she can meet others?

I think it must be really, really tough to be a teenager now. Identity has exploded and it must be hugely confusing to be growing up in a world where you seem to need to pigeonhole yourself very early. Be kind to her and her friends (I'm sure you are). It's not easy.

I have an asd child with two/possibly three trans kids in their asd base. (teenagers) My child just accepted this was how things were. I have spent a lot of time educating my child on the physical differences between male and female, and also gender roles. I have also tried to explain how people who question their gender need support and understanding. It sounds like your child has felt socially isolated and found a connection with somebody who also feels they don't fit in. Tread carefully. As we all know teenage years are about finding out who you are. I'm sorry I don't have any advice

There was a new poster and she was quite widely admired. Said she was a big fan of Datun?

get her out in nature walking in fields or on the beach. maybe a pet dog or cat.

Search for posts by Sarahcarer.

Good article here about the difficulties girls can have if they are undiagnosed with ASD.

link.springer.com/article/10.1007%2Fs10803-016-2872-8

Also here about gender difficulties someone posted it the other day

www.liebertpub.com/doi/10.1089/aut.2018.0001

Also The girl with the curly hair by Alis Rowe

Yes! it was Sarahcarer.

She had been handling a comparable situation really well. Search for her name.

In Y8 children are between 12-13, they are not legally allowed to engage in sexual relations so why are they even deciding upon sexual orientation? I think perhaps limit access to toxic places like Tumblr, Reddit ad nauseum as they promote this type of group thinking together with the promotion of suicidal ideation amongst peer groups.

Honestly DNA I don't know. A friend told us that her dd (who is a good friend of my dd) was talking to my dd about bring gay and my dd said she was but didn't want to tell us until she is 18 . I haven't said anything to her - dd is not sexually active yet and as far as I know hasn't kissed anyone either (although both a boy and a girl have tried to kiss her this year and she told me she ran away both times!). I'm just leaving her be and letting her know she can talk to me about anything which mainly she does.

I'd widen your dd's friendship group through other extracurricular activities, if possible.

Personally, I'd be more concerned about the normalisation of self harm and suicide threats in her current group. It encourages the notion that existential angst is an acceptable mode of everyday existence.

I say this as someone who was a teen during the early 90s when to be existentially angst-ridden was portrayed as a feature of adult artistic intelligence (death of Cobain etc). It's only now, in my 40s, looking back, that I realise how destructive that notion was and how it influenced my choices and how I perceived the world and behaved within it - - to my own detriment.