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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Am feminist surrounded by prejudice

16 replies

Sk1208 · 30/04/2018 17:59

Hey guys,

I am a clean and tidy person but my mil has made a hobby out of pointing out things I don’t do perfectly ... she comes from a culture that thinks this defines a woman ...

Free battling it out for so long, I feel like I have started to judge myself and take it in.. I feel rubbish.. I feel like I’m lazy and dirty, even though I cook and clean all day every day as I’m the one at home ..

I want to not take it personal but as she has gathered all people from husbands family and humiliated the crap out of me, now I feel like I have to tiptoe so people don’t assume I am dirty..

But I hate that I’m pushing myself to prove things to others... I want to be strong

I wanna take pictures of the dirty dishes and send it proudly .. but my husband is tying to make his mum proud of him because despite her ignorant ocd traits combined with culture, he loves her and she was good in other ways...

What do u advise me... I’m starting to give in and feel defeated

OP posts:

fontofnoknowledge · 30/04/2018 18:12

I'm not sure if I understand your post. Are you saying that as a woman at home it's not your job to clean/wash up etc ((because that's traditionally 'women's work to which you can't subscribe) or do you mean that there is nothing wrong with your house, your husband doesn't complain, the kids don't complain in fact everyone thinks is just fine but your MIL is batshit and if you haven't hoovered the fridge and polished the cat, then you are somehow inadequate in the housework dept ?

AssassinatedBeauty · 30/04/2018 18:26

I think you're saying that you want to be able to ignore the pressure from your in laws more, and not to take it in so much even though you don't agree with it.

You're unlikely to be able to change how you in laws behave, but you could speak to your husband and tell him to tell his relatives to stop going on about it.

If that doesn't work then you will need to work on your own resilience to it. When you catch yourself giving yourself a hard time, challenge it internally by reminding yourself that it doesn't matter.

UpstartCrow · 30/04/2018 22:33

This is how patriarchal cultures work; they persuade the women to police each other.
Can you get out of the house to do a part time job, or a college course? You need something that is about you, not cleaning and cooking.

Thanksforthatamazingpost · 30/04/2018 22:55

My Mil had a phase of this.
My husband told her I didn’t give a shit.
She then stopped it

Original poster

Sk1208 · 30/04/2018 22:58

Font, sorry for lack of clarity.

No my house is clean but isn’t always perfect, and I did have a full time job but I quit because I have a newborn.

My problem is she calls my husband at work checking that the house is clean .... as if I’m answerable to her about my own home..

OP posts:

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 30/04/2018 23:03

This is how patriarchal cultures work; they persuade the women to police each other.

So bloody true. Plus it's the guilt of leaving it all to the other women that pulls you in.

OP, stick to your guns. Pretend not to notice, laugh at it, roll your eyes, whatever, but don't internalize it and don't justify yourself to her. They're her values not yours.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 30/04/2018 23:04

My problem is she calls my husband at work checking that the house is clean .... as if I’m answerable to her about my own home

And what does your husband say back to her? Because unless he tells her to back off then he's part of your problem.

AssassinatedBeauty · 30/04/2018 23:14

Agree, your husband needs to tell her to stop doing that. Why does he tolerate her interfering?

FloraFox · 30/04/2018 23:24

Don't give in, don't feel defeated.

You've said you're a feminist and you've posted in FWR so you know this is about more than your MIL. As UpstartCrow says, this is how patriarchal cultures work. Unfortunately if you are being policed, it's very unpleasant. My DM pushed back against this policing and it was hard. There's a reason patriarchy is so difficult to dislodge - it's hard to stand up against it when you are being policed by other women, especially when they are in your family.

Your DH needs to have your back on this. He needs to tell her not to call about that and ideally show her with his actions that he is also responsible for the house.

thebewilderness · 01/05/2018 03:33

I view the problem as your husband repeating his mothers concerns to you which is undermining your confidence and to top it off you have a newborn. Criminy!
Is this her idea of offering to help? That is the kindest spin i can put on it.
Your problem is your husband and your husband's problem is his mother. You cannot solve you husbands problem but he can bloody well stop making his problem yours.

YimminiYoudar · 01/05/2018 05:28

Your full time job is looking after a newborn, NOT keeping the house spotless. Stop spending all day cooking and cleaning and focus on your child. Does your child care if the bookcases are dusty? Of course not. So your basic requirement is to keep things just hygienic enough that nothing is a health hazard for your baby. Beyond that it is much more important that you are there for your child's needs rather than your mother in law's preferences. Housework over and above basic hygiene us the joint responsibility of you and dh together. If you can afford to outsource it to a cleaner that is nice, but DH must not expect you to bear this load and must be united with you in refusing to let his mother dictate your priorities.

Bumpitybumper · 01/05/2018 05:51

I agree with others that this is a DH problem. He needs to shut down your MIL when she starts making these comments, otherwise MIL will continue as she will think she has a receptive audience. It may be awkward for your DH to make a stand, but if you tell him how much your MIL's behaviour is affecting you then he should be willing to tell MIL to stop. I understand from your DH's perspective this will be hard as it may cause problems in his relationship with his mother as her ideas about gender roles will be so engrained that she will be unlikely to change her mind about what you should be doing, but he should make it clear to her that she has no right to be interfering and attempting to shame you for not complying with her ideals of what women should do.

If your DH is unwilling to say anything then I would inform him that you no longer want to hear about any comments that your MIL makes to your DH about this issue and that you will not be hosting his family until the sniping stops. Be very firm and clear on this point.

Original poster

Sk1208 · 01/05/2018 12:26

Thanks guys , u r right. I have informed my husband that I expect him to stand up for me ... he has done but after few attempts his relationship with her became very strained so I guess he decided to just ignore and let her speak ...

He doesn’t agree with what’s happening but I think we are both confused how to handle the situation the best way possible ..

I must admit , the impression I got from him is that it also seems that he is internalising it.

OP posts:

UpstartCrow · 01/05/2018 12:35

He can learn to nod and say 'yes' to his mother without actually taking it on board or passing it on to you.
You can't change your culture, or your MIL. Even if your husband sides with you, he will be placed in a compromising situation every so often which is difficult for both of you.

Bumpitybumper · 01/05/2018 13:08

That is the danger of him not standing up to her. He may start to internalise it and believe that actually your MIL has a point. From his perspective he has obviously been raised with your MIL's views and as he isn't the one being criticised or being subjected to ridiculous standards he has little incentive to challenge her. I really think you must be strong here with your DH, otherwise it will go from being a problem with your MIL to a problem with your marriage that you may struggle to overcome.

Ifonlyus · 01/05/2018 13:13

Did you DH do any of the house-hold chores prior to you having a newborn?

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