Hi all! I’ve joined mumsnet specifically to tell a story of something that has recently been resolved and to look for advice as to what to do differently. CAUTION long post
Around a year ago, I was on a packed tube on the way to work when the Oyster card of the woman in front of me dropped to the floor. I picked it up, put my hand on her shoulder to attract her attention (she was wearing headphones) and returned the card. She didn’t say thank you, but hey, London. She got off at the same station as me. I stopped at the bottom of the escalator to help another woman with her pushchair as the she couldn’t find the lift. We made small talk and parted ways at the top of the escalator.
I headed for the ticket barriers but was collared by two members of station staff with a shouting woman. I was in uniform (I’m a nurse) and assumed that they needed help. How wrong I was. It transpired that, according to the woman, I had touched her inappropriately. I was confused. I told the station staff that I had put my hand on her shoulder to attract her attention. They said that the woman didn’t dispute this but it was obviously a sexual advance upon a woman of colour. I was still confused. I was asked for my details, which I provided, all whilst the woman was bellowing that I should be arrested. Colleagues were walking past and hearing this. I then continued to work, shaken to say the least.
Around a week later, two uniformed police appeared at my front door. I let them in and they wanted to discuss the incident. I explained the situation and was met with stern looks. The woman has claimed sexual assault and just because I thought that touching her shoulder was innocent, she didn’t think that it was and her opinion is what mattered.
Some brief background to me. I’m a 41 year old white guy. I’m just over 6 ft tall, have lost the battle with male pattern baldness. I’m also a little overweight (thank you relatives with chocolates!). My husband and I have been together since first year of university. He’s a doctor, British born Chinese. I was adopted at 3 months by two wonderful parents. They were from Trinidad, already had 5 of their own but took me in regardless. I play rugby, sew stupid cushions and love the Lake District.
To continue, the police left shortly after I had explained my background to them. They came back a month later, again explaining that the woman wanted my charged. They would be undertaking further investigation.
I work with the elderly. Part of this involves putting hands on shoulders if they are deaf to attract attention, or to help them from a chair. A kind hand on the shoulder can give confidence back when trying to walk again. I have never thought that I was being inappropriate.
The investigation took around 11 months, and at the end the police decided on no further action. During this time, I had to report this all to my employer. I had to be moved away from patients. I’ve sat in an office for all of this time, pretty much alone.
I’ve posted some of this on other forums and have been met with vitriol. Some have told me that they would break my arm if I touched them without permission. Others have told me that if I can’t see what I’ve done is wrong then I am the worst face of the patriarchy. Others still insist that by picking up the card I was infantilising the woman, again making me an awful person.
Since it has finished, I’ve (nearly) left nursing and the NHS. I’m just finishing my notice period. I don’t want to take the risk again. I am worried about providing personal care, holding someone’s hand whilst they get bad news, hugging a grieving relative. My behaviour around women has changed, too. I tend not to put money into the cashier’s hand when paying for things. I won’t sit anywhere near a lone woman on the night tube.
What I want to know is where do I go from here? Is offering a pregnant woman my seat on the tube demeaning her and making her seem weak? Do I help at a cardiac arrest in the street? I would, you see, be putting the heel of my hand between a woman’s breasts. Where is the boundary? As a man, I feel like I have been painted with a massive brush that says “all men are scum”.
What I want to know is what did I do as an individual that was so wrong? I think that I did what any normal person would have done. Am I wrong?
Opinions welcome!