Name change - is there a feminist choice at this stage?

[MightyMagnificentScarfaceClaw]

When I married my ExH I took his surname. I was young and didn’t really think it through, my main reason was the fact that I have a lisp and found the combination of my first name and original surname hard to pronounce, people always misheard. I then became well known in my profession under that name.

Ex and I split up and I didn’t change my name, I was keeping it professionally, and it seemed a hassle to alter my documents and be different from DCs, though I regretted ever having changed. I don’t like the association with my Ex, he was violent and abusive, but I was married a long time and it’s become my name now.

Now longstanding DP and I are talking about marriage, the name issue hasn’t arisen but I don’t know what to think about it. I’m reluctant to change again to another man’s name, but it seems ridiculous and a bit insensitive to keep that of my violent ex when marrying again - and making a point of changing back to my original name when I haven’t before feels weird too. Is there an option that enables me to feel I have made a feminist choice this time, and modelled that to my DCs?

If I understand correctly, your current surname is the same as your DC - that of your ExH? What immediately occurred to me was what your children might think of any name change for you, given that would mean yours would then be different to theirs?

Regardless of getting married, do you definitely want to get rid of your current surname because of the associations with your ExH?

I have friends in a not-entirely-dissimilar situation. Both were bringing children into the new relationship. Their solution was to come up with a new family name and double-barrel it

So for example

Alex Carter (who had children Simon and Sophie Carter) marries Jan Bell (who had children Martin and Mary Bell).

They choose a new family name of Aspen.

Alex becomes Alex Aspen-Carter.

Jan becomes Jan Aspen-Bell.

The children all retain their original names.

New child born to Alex and Jan just takes the family name (Max Aspen).

is there another surname in your family you could take (eg mother's maiden name?)

The feminist choice is whatever suits you.

I was widowed so I don't have negative associations with my surname, but I knew various people would think it weird when I kept Dh1's name rather than switching to DH2s, or double barrelling. But I didn't want my kids to feel that they were losing anything by me remarrying, including losing sharing a name with me. That was more important to me than anyone else's opinion.
What instinctively do you feel is right for you and your circumstances?

My sister was in the identical situation.

She was a uni lecturer and artist in her ex husband's name. She then got married.

She kept her 1st husband's name. It was the easiest option without losing the "fame" she had gained.

Thank you for replying. AssassinatedBeauty I was happy to keep my Ex’s name before I met DP, I thought of it as being like Cher . Only another marriage has made me think. It’s very unlikely I will have further DCs with DP so that’s not really a consideration. I think my DCs would like me to have the same name, and I need to keep it at work at least, or I undo a lot of work I have put into my professional reputation. It’s probably time to see what DP thinks as part of the picture.

My mum has kept her first married name. Not for career reasons, but because it was her name for most of her life and she wanted to keep it. To her, it was not just my dad's name, but hers.