How do you explain the patriarchy to a 6yo?

[drspouse]

I've been reading How Not To Be A Boy and he tells his 5 yo about "The Trick" that is bad for men and women.
Anyway my DS is 6 and he has some SEN but I also feel he's being persuaded that boys should be allowed to be badly behaved (and he's also hearing himself labelled as the badly behaved one). DD is also mildly socially delayed but is not aggressive in the same way and I can't help feeling he's getting "permission" to be like this by school/TV/friends.
We often tell him that all colours, toys etc are for everyone, and he seems happy with that sort of idea.
Thoughts?

Patriarchy might be a stretch, but how about discussing 'some people think they are better than other people because of their sex or the colour of their skin - isn't that unfair?'

I dont think its entierely a case of nuture, I think nature does play a big part in behavioural difference between boys and girls at all ages.
Things like boys taking longer to grasp potty training etc, as young as 6 I think boys by default tend to be a little more aggresive and badly behaved as girls as they are still catching up.
IME by junior school it all evens out a lot more.
I dont think you need to go any further than correcting behaviour, and explaining that boys and girls are equal (but not the same)

I think there are far better thing you could be talking to a very small boy who is struggling with social rules, than your views on feminist issues, and the fact that you feel thats appropriate is very worrying .
You should be talking about not hurting the feelings of others, saying that its always wrong to be rough if others don't like it, and a bit on the concept of personal space. Your job is to love and guide him - don't burden him with blame for history and shortcomings of society at large.

boys taking longer to grasp potty training
You've obviously not met my DCs. DS has always been ahead in language, understanding relationships, and yes potty training.
It's hardly his fault of society assumes he'll be more aggressive and less caring but it's affecting him. I'm not proposing telling him it's his "burden". Just trying to work out how to make him more aware.

I dont think its entierely a case of nuture, I think nature does play a big part in behavioural difference between boys and girls at all ages

Yes I agree with this. Definitely a combination of nature and nurture.

I disagree that boys are allowed to get away with bad behaviour simply because they are boys. I regularly see boys being boisterous and told constantly to calm down...whilst quieter, calmer girls are praised. There is definitely a culture that typical female behaviour is good behaviour.

You've obviously not met my DCs. DS has always been ahead in language, understanding relationships, and yes potty training

I’m pretty sure upside was talking about boys in general. You having one easy to potty train boy is neither here nor there (my ds has been a nightmare to potty train so I’m probably just jealous).

The thing is boys are a bit more aggressive than girls (on average). They engage in more rough and tumble play.

You are right it’s wrong for society to assume every boy will be more boisterous then every girl - just because on average boys as a group are more boisterous. But I don’t know how you fix that.

I think the most important thing is to address whoever is labeling him as the "badly behaved" one in front of him. Is it adults or other children?

If he hears that about himself I'd talk about how people aren't just badly behaved or well behaved. Each person makes decisions and sometimes those are the wrong decisions. Sometimes people find it harder to make good decisions, and so on.

I don't think there's any urgent need to talk to your DS about how society socializes boys and girls, it's not going to help your DS in practical terms. It's more something for you to bear in mind.

Good behaviour is just good behaviour, it's not specifically female. Boys are not being forced to be unnaturally feminine by being taught to behave well. Girls are (generally) socialised into calmer quieter behaviour from birth, so it's no surprise that they show that when they are older.

I also feel he's being persuaded that boys should be allowed to be badly behaved
So, if this is something specific, he has said that someone told him, or you overheard a comment, you should challenge that view at source (obviously if it came from a child you should refer it to the teaching staff.

But its also very possible that he's just imitating other boisterous children (could be of either sex), and that you understandably feel more comfortable thinking that he's been somehow 'instructed' to be rough, rather than that he just makes mistakes, like any child, or is testing the boundaries of what he can do.

But telling a little child about 'the patriarchy' is not even slightly relevant to helping him learn how to behave. Do you really think he is part of that? That he is trying to assert male dominance over everyone? He is your little boy.

We have talked about how some people think all girls like/are like x and all boys like/are like y.

We've talked about how some people think boys are better or more important than girls. Same for race, sexuality, disabilities. IME, all you need to do is point out that it happens, if you like make it clear you disagree, and they get it. There's no further detail needed.

The book looks interesting, and I'll probably read it now I'm aware of it, but it remains, however moving, funny and delightful the reviews say it is, the personal view of a comedy actor.
Please treat your little boy as an individual, and bring him up to have good values; discussing your views on society and nature and nurture, and the views in a book you just read, should come way down the line.

Thanks Bertie
Obviously I am not in the playground but I am at the school gate and if parents are saying "boys are like that" to me then I bet they are saying it to their boys and their girls and the children are saying it to each other.
And I have eyes and can see what's on TV and in books.
Mynew yes I am not using the book as a life guide. But if other people are telling my children that boys are supposed to be one way and girls another, and it's part of a larger system, I think it's a sensible idea to tell them.

To a six year old...

It's like moonsand, it goes everywhere but it's hard to see the individual gains of sand and it still ruins the hoover.