Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Have any of you ever 'come out' as being a TERF?

48 replies

VladmirsPoutine · 23/03/2018 23:59

I mean IRL rather than on MN or other online communities. If so what sort of reception did you have?

My siblings said 'oh okay', and the conversation moved on. At work it never came up so I didn't have the opportunity to 'come out' as it were.

But just curious if it's something you've brought up with friends, dc, partners and so forth?

OP posts:
thebewilderness · 24/03/2018 02:57

Am I the only one who remembers Hoyden About Town?

TheFootOfMyStairs · 24/03/2018 03:12

I remember Hoyden About Town TBW. Were you or I slung off from there? I don't remember. It's entirely possible given the way we think....

thebewilderness · 24/03/2018 04:28

We were all ordered off for being not just evil Radical Feminists but TransExclusiveRadicalFeminists. Totally not the fun kind.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 24/03/2018 04:42

My son accused me of being a TERF a couple of years ago when we were discussing Caitlin Jenner who was in the news at the time. I was annoyed and explained why I didn't accept the term, and didn't feel it was fair to be called TERF when I was just saying that trans women could not by definition have the same experience as biological women.

However, as the debate has moved on, and we are now in a position of people being allowed to self-identify as male or female, my position has hardened. I feel TERF is a term of abuse so I don't use it but I feel very strongly that the current political ideology around self identification is wrong so from that point of view I could be said to be a TERF.

I also object to the term Cis.

HakunaDentata · 24/03/2018 13:47

There's another thread on this.
I'm sort of out as gender critical. My husband thought I was being OTT at first, until he read the Metro article about a 5 year old en route to transing fully, and the NY $250K fine for misgendering someone.

athingthateveryoneneeds · 24/03/2018 13:57

Everyone I speak to irl - everyone! - is agog at the proposed change to law and immediately goes on to research more about it and sign the petition. Yes, I'm vocal.

mumgogetter · 24/03/2018 14:50

Well I wanted to share the following.

My DH runs a business that has shared offices with other related businesses.

It is an open plan set up (but he also has an office that he sometimes works in) anyhow he was overhearing a young new employee employed by one of the related businesses who was being very critical of feminists and women who don't want to have gender neutral spaces or share toilets with transwomen. Apparently she was saying they were so outdated and old fashioned and so on. Apparently she was going on and on and spouting off being a bit shouty at people including a group of older women.

So my DH (who is never ever shouty) called across the office and asked her to please stop being ridiculous about women along the lines of:

You are entitled to your views but stay professional and don't stereotype women like that. He then said he sincerely hoped she would change her tune and change it before we all wait for one woman to be attacked by a predator who says he identifies as a women.

She then responded saying the risk of that was very slight it would be rare and uncommon.m and he was now being biased.

My DH responded that it was a real risk, it was reality and to think otherwise and minimise the risk of abuse was deluded.
He said one woman being attacked as a result of changing policies was one too many, it was not right and women should not be collateral damage for stupid policies.

Anyhow there was silence across the office and he then went back to work. No one else joined in in any view - his or the employees.

But in the afternoon he went into his office to keep working in something and what surprised him was that quite a women came by individually to quietly thank him for what he said and supporting them.

He realises that he was in a position that he can say this and picked up that they didn't feel they could object openly.

He only told me this because I was explaining about Posie parker and he said oh yeah actually I had an exchange at work a few days ago.

mumgogetter · 24/03/2018 14:56

So is my DH now a TERF? SmileSmile

gingergenius · 24/03/2018 14:56

I am vocal about it. I have an essay to write for uni relating to gender identity and I fully intend to write about this topic. I have discussed it with all my children - my eldest has been accused of transphobia because he turned down a date with a trans girl at school. I will continue to be vocal personally but apart from Twitter (having been blocked by LM) I am less vocal on social media although I have shared the petition on FB.

smithsinarazz · 24/03/2018 15:15

Fascinated, I like your style. I outed myself on fb because I'd been so angered by the #nodebate (tr: shut up, woman) attitude. I did it wrong, though: I got too cross, and it sounded as though I thought all TWs were transactivists, and some people took offence.
To be fair, there are some people who would've taken offence if I'd said anything on the subject but "Oh! Paris Lees! What an inspiration she is for mere ciswomen such as I!" but when wading into a tricky subject you do have to be careful that you can justify everything to the hilt, and that you're being no more inflammatory than you have to be.

That said, I think it's important to speak out. Firstly, because people don't know about self-ID. They think the only TWs who'll ever get into the Ladies are a small group of people who are prepared to lose their knobs for the sake of their identity, which'd be a pretty strong gatekeeping mechanism. Secondly, on principle nobody should be bullied into silence. Thirdly, the debate needs calm, respectful, knowledgeable voices to dilute the histrionics and threats.

bellasuewow · 24/03/2018 15:22

I am out and proud. I have spoken to quite a few people and no one has disagreed with me yet. Most people don’t know much about it but when they do they peak. I am aware that I am in a position of privilege as I work but I don’t need to so I owe it to other women to speak up and be brave. I want to be able to say to my dd that I did something when it was necessary to stand up for women and gay people and trans people.

Winewinewinegin · 24/03/2018 16:42

There's no such thing as a TERF it just means someone who think women should retain their rights. Why would you need to 'come out' about this?

fascinated · 24/03/2018 16:53

I think it’s something best broached In person rather than FB...

MrsUnderwood · 24/03/2018 17:02

Some of my friends are aware of how I feel. I am very wary about what I say on social media though because I am looking to move into a field where gender critical views would not be welcome, despite the fact the job I want to eventually do is focused exclusively on women’s welfare.

LangCleg · 24/03/2018 17:06

I think TERF is a ridiculous term. It basically means "refusing to validate males with every waking thought". Well, duh. Of course I'm a TERF. Why would I be anything else? I'm not a masochist.

In terms of this gender identity cult, I'm completely out IRL and nobody I know - friends, relatives, neighbours - disagree with me. A fair number think I put too high a priority on transactivism compared to other things but not one single person I know thinks transwomen are women, as the cult mantra goes.

QuentinSummers · 25/03/2018 07:04

mum your DH sounds awesome. On lots of levels. Bravo.

I am somewhat out. I'm open about the fact that I find the idea that "woman" is about feelings not biology offensive. I've also surprised a few people at work by saying that I would be horrified if any of my children cam out trans, because I can't stand the thought of them needing lifelong medical treatment and surgery.
That's quite a good way in because it helps explore what being "trans" is. I don't give a fuck if my children present in a gender non conforming way. But presentation isn't what makes you male or female.

I'm glad the issue has bought more women to feminism though

athingthateveryoneneeds · 25/03/2018 07:50

The T in TERF only stands for Transwomen.

AdaTwist · 25/03/2018 08:05

I tried to have a softly-softly discussion about this with two female friends. We all have a connection to a service provision type job that will be affected by self ID, so it is particularly relevant. One of my friends had just set out a very gender critical position about kids playing with gendered toys, so I thought it was a good opportunity. She'd specifically talked about how children are socialised to have particular ideas about girls' inferiority.

I was really gutted that despite her previous statement, she wasn't on side with me at all. She kept asking me how I'd feel if I had a prosthetic penis and was therefore forced to be with the boys, instead of the girls. She definitely saw it that transgirls are genuine girls with something akin to a prosthetic penis.

I think I was too emotional and nervous about how she was reacting to me to properly explain my concerns. I don't know how to do better next time, but at least I've thought through my answers to her specific concerns for any future discussions.

MaverickSnoopy · 25/03/2018 08:15

I am half out. My DH knows and is onside (and has been telling all his colleagues at work - he works in a place where they are about 40 staff and he is one of 2 men. The women are fairly young and very interested and discussing it keenly.)

I've told my mum who is broadly on board. She gets it and we have strong talks about it but she's not as passionate as I am and doesn't get riled up like I do.

I also told my sister who is a HUGE feminist. She totally disagrees with me and thinks I'm being transphobic. Shock It's distanced us and our relationship has changed as a consequence. She has friends who have self id and feels she has to remain loyal. She also doesn't agree with the many points I have raised, nor does she believe it's a feminist issue. I have a lot of anger and disappointment towards her (although I haven't told her this) and am finding it hard to accept her views as she is usually such a keen feminist.

I however have never been a feminist in my life....until....well I was when I peak transed.

I haven't told anyone else because whilst I understand everything I read, my memory is shocking and I have great difficulty relaying anything. So I know that if I am challenged I won't be able to defend my opinion and because of this I keep quiet. I expect a lot of people feel like this, because without being able to defend your point, a load of waffle does indeed sound transphobic.

whiteroseredrose · 25/03/2018 08:56

I didn't know what TERF actually stood for until just now but I wouldn't label myself as a Radical Feminist. Don't actually know what that means. However I am very much out and proud about my beliefs about self ID and the fact that there can be no discussion.

DD goes to that Girls School that no longer addresses them as girls and I'm worried that they're being indoctrinated. I had a discussion with one of her older friends, the daughter of a friend of mine who was adamant that my views were like homophobic views had been in the 1960s. That TW were exactly the same as real women.

DD got upset with me because apparently its really embarrassing to have a mum with my views. I really can't get my head round this. It's like mass hysteria (apologies for that term). How can people even consider the idea that if you think you're a woman then you are?

Interestingly my friend quietly backed me up and told her daughter that she agreed with me. Then later, at home DD said that she agreed with me. But was too scared to say anything in public for fear of the consequences.

That really worries me. There is a fear of debate. People are scared to say what they think so this is going to end up being railroaded through.

Vickxy · 25/03/2018 11:56

Have been out for ages and ages, and every person I broach the topic with is gender critical too, it surprised me as I expected to come up against more resistance, but no. People tend to see the issues with selfID even without me pointing them out. As such I reckon that politicians and such have really misjudged the public opinion on this. Its not just a small fringe group against it, its near everyone. Of course my experience is just anecdotal and it may be that I just some how have more gender critical people in my life of something.

daysofpearlyspencer · 25/03/2018 12:56

TERF = Tired of Explaining Reality to Fuckwits...

I stole that from another OP or possibly Twitter

gingergenius · 26/03/2018 22:27

I've just 'come out' on Twitter. Been told I was offensive. Have asked if it's also offensive for women to be threatened with death and rape for asking to be heard.

We shall see. I'm glad I stuck my head above the pulpit but also slightly terrified!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page