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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

When is it ok to just tell this man to jog on?

30 replies

Utrecht · 02/03/2018 17:56

Dithered about putting this just in chat... Maybe should have but it feels like classic male/female socialization so I'm here instead. Would appreciate any thoughts...

There is a man I used to work with, two decades ago when I was a recent graduate. We worked together in the same department for about a year. He's about a decade older than me, we had no particular friendship but did socialise out of work as a group - after work drinks, the odd bbq, nothing else.

Over ten years ago, after about ten years with no contact at all, I got an email from him - sent to a group, not just to me - saying that he was about to kill himself and that 'the fact this will mean nothing to you is one of the reasons I am doing this.' I sent him a fairly angry reply and heard nothing else - although one of the other recipients told me he hadn't harmed himself.

Over the intervening decade he has made repeated attempts to get in touch online, which I ignored until recently, when he started following me on Twitter. He told me he was recovering from a stroke, I expressed sympathy. He replied to a couple of my tweets, then once again attempted to add me on Facebook. I don't really use Facebook much any more so this time I accepted - it seemed churlish to keep ignoring him, and he's obviously unhappy and lonely. He commented on a picture of DD clearly (insanely) thinking it was me - saying I looked "About 12 - and lovely" which was a bit creepy. I pointed out his mistake and laughed it off (she's 10 - I'm 41).

Anyway, since then, he's messaged me out of the blue with increasing frequency, just telling me things about what he's been doing or comments about things I posted ages ago. Now almost every time I'm online I get those Messenger 'waves'.

I know this isn't a big deal, it's just irritating. I never reply to the waves or messages. We have no relationship. I feel that he thinks he is entitled to my time and energy and interest, out of guilt perhaps? Or just because he's a very important man (📯) and therefore I should give a shit.

What would you do? Do I just delete him? Do I draw his attention to my lack of interest? I wonder how many other random female acquaintances he does this to?

OP posts:
Smeaton · 02/03/2018 17:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LifelongVaginaOwner · 02/03/2018 18:01

Trust your instincts. If you feel uncomfortable block him.

Fishfingersandwichnocheese · 02/03/2018 18:01

Just block him. You barely know him and owe him nothing.

I felt uncomfortable just reading that.

IntelligentYetIndecisive · 02/03/2018 18:01

You should never have replied to that first email.

Do as Smeaton says.

Attention seekers thrive on any attention they can get.

LangCleg · 02/03/2018 18:07

BLOCK. NOW.

Don't give a reason. Don't explain. Just block.

FlaviaAlbia · 02/03/2018 18:38

10 years ago. But since time travel hasn't been invented yet, now is good

Patodp · 02/03/2018 18:39

He is mentally unwell.

Perendinate · 02/03/2018 18:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Utrecht · 02/03/2018 18:44

Excellent. I have done so. Pathetic that I needed you lot to make me feel ok about it, but I'm grateful to you anyway.

OP posts:
Perendinate · 02/03/2018 18:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FlaviaAlbia · 02/03/2018 18:55

Well said Perendinate!

Hellywelly10 · 02/03/2018 19:29

You could block him or tell him to f off then block him.

OfficerGrant · 02/03/2018 19:32

Block!

TheRagingGirl · 02/03/2018 19:37

Pathetic that I needed you lot to make me feel ok about it

No, please don't be so hard on yourself. We're conditioned & socialised to be 'nice' kind, not hurt anyone's feelings. I'm glad you've blocked him. He was borderline stalking you.

thebewilderness · 02/03/2018 19:39

You have made your disinterest clear over the years and I assure you he does not care. His interest in you is all that matters to him.
No contact is your best solution.

holycheeseplant · 02/03/2018 19:39

Wow yes block. That read like the start of a full on stalking scenario.

ContemporaryPankhurst · 02/03/2018 19:50

Utrecht - not pathetic at all. We all want to help others and do no harm, this can be abused. Certain men are masters at abusing the kindness of others.

Terfinater · 02/03/2018 20:36

That's awful.

AngryAttackKittens · 02/03/2018 20:48

Agree with everyone else - block, delete, never engage with again.

Gacapa · 02/03/2018 20:58

You owe him nothing.

Glad you've blocked him. Don't ever engage with him on any other medium and make sure your social media is only visible to friends.

AnotherQuoll · 02/03/2018 21:14

Very glad you've blocked him, OP. He's a nasty and emotionally manipulative creep for doing that to you. Hope you're ok.

meladeso · 02/03/2018 21:36

Pernendinate - standing ovation, so well put

fruitlovingmonkey · 02/03/2018 22:58

Delete.
Block.
Read The Gift of Fear.

UpstartCrow · 02/03/2018 23:01

fruitlovingmonkey is right, go to Amazon or Ebay and buy The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. It teaches you how to use your gut feelings and how to manage this kind of situation.

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 02/03/2018 23:07

He actually sounds totally unhinged and I think I would maybe be having to fight the instinct to be kind to someone who is suffering from mental health problems. But this man is very much not your problem.