Have I done the right thing? Outed myself as a Terf

[smithsinarazz]

On Facebook. Reaction: not all that bad.
Not a massive flurry of support, but some. Several friends saying the important thing is dialogue; one completely agreeing with me.
One TIM haranguing me, calling me various names, and saying "If you carry on arguing a point, without caring about the impact on other people, it's hate." To which I nearly replied "So, you hate women, then?"
Mum said to me, on the phone, "But you won't need to say any more about it, will you, sweetie?" She knows what I'm like, you see. She knows I can get myself into a massive tizzy about things that don't matter a hill of beans. In the background, DH says to the baby, "Don't turn out like your mummy. She's a pain in the arse." He knows what I'm like, too.
Am I being an utter fool for caring about all this? Are we all?

Well your DH sounds like a patronising twat, but well done for speaking out.

Am I being an utter fool for caring about all this? Are we all?

If you ever have a moments doubt, ask yourself did men create Rape Crisis for women, or DV shelters for women? Or did women do that in response to a need?
Did men voluntarily give women the vote, or did they grudgingly allow it after a lot of pressure from women?

Women losing access to the public sphere because there is no safe place for them to relieve themselves is no small matter. This is what keeps girls and women limited to this day in India.
Men burned the first women's public loo in London right down to the ground. Your DH is teaching your child to be disrespectful of you and seems to want you to know it.

No, well done. It is hard to speak out. I just wish I’d done it sooner but it was all a bit hazy for a while. Now I can’t shut up. I am so angry and scared about it all.

There’s another thread about the Therapy Today ‘apology’ for printing a letter with a very mild critique of the current trans agenda. It makes me want to weep/rage/take to the hills. I think anyone who feels like this has to just stand up and be counted. It’s good that you had a message of support too.

No, DH is just my best mate in the world, he wasn't patronising me. He puts up with an awful lot of ranting, bless him.

If you carry on arguing a point, without caring about the impact on other people, it's hate

OED definition: hate speech

Abusive or threatening speech or writing that expresses prejudice against a particular group

Notice that the definition depends on the content of what is said (abuse, threats) not how much the person hearing it likes or agrees with it.

I wish people would get a grip.

Thanks. I am oscillating - I am saying things which people aren't "allowed" to say, and it makes me wonder if I'm being an arse, or starting a fight unnecessarily. Then I come back on here and get "radicalised" all over again. I know that in the past I've got myself into no end of trouble by kicking off about things that didn't matter a hill of beans, or picking fights that I couldn't hope to win. Just want to make sure this isn't one of them.

It definitely matters. Well done for going public on it.

Women have typically been socialised since birth to believe that our concerns and feelings are unimportant (especially compared to those of men) and that asserting them is somehow bad or inappropriate.

This is why, even when it comes to matters of huge importance to us, men still find it easy to convince us we're being unreasonable if we speak out.

My view is 1) this matters but 2) I don't know if we can hope to win.

The only thing wrong with your response to the TIM was the 'nearly'.

Go on, post it.

I'm reluctant to post anything GC on Facebook because my Facebook friends include several families, quite dear to us, with 'trans sons' (or in other words, trans-identifying daughters). At least one of those has been to hell and back, and I don't piss on people when they're down.

But.

I'm starting to feel like a total hypocrite by not speaking out.

I've been wondering similar. I am becoming more and more public as gender critical. I think the more of us that come out, the more we create a climate where the issues are raised and it is acceptable to discuss the impact on women.

So, I am glad you are out and thank-you for doing this. I like Yippee's point about raising questions. That's a big part of what we're doing. Raising the tone of the debate and posing the questions.

There's room for everyone's identity, there's no need for anyone to be erased. The fact that the group being erased are prevented from speaking out should be a concern for everyone. That's not how human rights work.

Am I being an utter fool for caring about all this? Are we all?

No. It's important for those that feel confident to speak out to speak out.

I'm Facebook friends with quite a few people from the Labour Party and also a member of some political groups on there.

This really kicked off among them around the AWS issue, up until then it hadn't really been discussed. Most of the more high-profile (i.e. hold elected CLP positions) were very anti the crowdfunder and started posting links to petitions calling for the expulsion of the women connected with it. I started out posting very measured comments saying that they were misrepresenting the crowdfunder - in particular that it was about anything more than self-identifying women.

Anyway at first I'd get the odd 'like' but virtually no-one else commented. I'd sometimes get PMs from women saying thanks for saying something. As the debate broadened into the GRA in general I noticed more and more women - many of whom I hadn't seen comment on anything - willing to say 'actually I am not fine with all of this. I don't hate trans people but I just want there to be a discussion'.

In addition there is also a noticeable reduction in interaction from people who were happy to like 'transwomen are women' etc just a few weeks ago. In essence when someone posts a status about the 'horrible TERFs' they are getting far few people liking these or supporting them in the comments.

I'd say that even those who wouldn't describe themselves as even feminists are deeply uncomfortable with the way this is being used to attack women who speak out. Particularly when they know the women concerned.

So let's all speak out when we can.

I wouldn't start up a Facebook conversation being openly gender-critical (although the slightly frenetic posts from one friend always saying something like 'My son Sam is the best son in the world!' make me cringe a bit).

What I mean is that we get a lot of guff about #NoDebate and friends 'liking' images of delightfully feminine small children / muscly bearded teenagers, saying 'Can you believe that they would make me use the Men's/Women's Restroom?', as if the debate (sorry the #NoDebate) entirely centres around these poster kids.

Ignoring these posts feels hypocritical.

My gay friend has recently outed himself as a Trans Exclusionary Radical Faggot

I haven't put anything on FB. To be honest, no one on my Facebook has shared/discussed anything to do with self ID or any trans or terf related discussions, I feel like no one knows about it at all - I think MSM has a lot to answer for there.

I sent the Scottish gender reform link to a few friends on FB messenger the other day, asking them to share their views before the deadline etc and out of 8 or so women only one replied
I felt like I'd made a massive social faux pas by bringing politics into the conversation and no one has mentioned it at all. It crossed my mind that they may not have a full grasp of all the facts/implications and think that I'm just a bigot who hates trans people

My gay friend has recently outed himself as a Trans Exclusionary Radical Faggot

I like him already

Thé issue was recently raised on a private FB group I'm in - a very supportive community of 'older' women. I was delighted to see how many of us were gender critical and aware of the issues. Two or three of us admitted to being MN regulars! Only one woman very gently attempted to put the TRA point of view. It was most encouraging.

Thanks everyone. Interesting to see that another few people have dithered a bit about speaking out/ being assumed to be a bigot/ hurting people's feelings. It's testament to the power of shame employed as a way of suppressing dissent. Perhaps not all that many of us would really get into professional or personal trouble for expressing a completely legal opinion about a legislative change in our free time; but we've been made to feel that people would think us to be dreadful human beings.
LifelongVaginaOwner, let's hope you're right. I suspect that if I'd written some of the same things a year ago, I'd have got more shock, and less support.

Update : one threat of having the shit beaten out of me until I get it, and one cogently-worded and polite disagreement from a lawyer friend. If TRAs were like her, this wouldn't be a problem...but then, she's a woman.