Should I tell my dad now?

[Satorye]

I've always wanted to confront him for all the shit he has done and never apologised to our mother.
She had 6 of us, since my oldest brother he was abusive both verbally and physically, he was gambling and just generally a real piece of sexist shit that made things only harder for our mum and us.

Now he's been divorced with my mum for about 10 years; he didn't wait even a year before he started dating, he didn't give a dime for us and borrowing money from him was dreadful. He always trashed our mum behind her back and made us hate her as teenagers(I can still see huge amount of disrespect toward my mum from my sister and brothers to this day as a result).

Now he lives his life, moved in with his girlfriend three years ago and visits occasionally like he's a cousin not a father. He hasn't messaged me or tried to contact me since I had my son(he wouldn't ignore completely if I message him tho, he would just sell bullshit).

How do I go about it? How do I make a narcissistic idiot like him get the point without being offensive(he'll just shut off as soon as he sees he's called out no matter if it's true or not)?

How is it ok for him to move on with his life like nothing happened, he's responsible for his children and what he has done. I don't want to let him off the hook.

Be careful about what you expect from a confrontation. All you can do is try to have your say. You cannot control how they react, you cannot 'make them see' how it was from your point of view. He is not going to have a 'road to Damascus' moment and realize how badly he's behaved, fold you in his arms and apologise.
He wont ever make it up to you.
You will be open, raw and vulnerable and he wont. He will be his usual self.

I don't think you will get the resolution or satisfaction you seek from a confrontation. My advice would be to just go no contact and cut him out.

What outcome do you want to get from the situation?

I tried a few times to talk to confront my dad about the stuff he put my mum and us through. He turned angry and defensive every time. He told lies about things that I knew were lies. If I tried to confront him by phone he would hang up. I'm NC with him now.

Like upstartcrow says, be careful about what you expect. If you just want to tell him your side then (going by my experience with my dad hanging up the phone etc) I would say it might be best to write a letter or an email so you can get your point across without being interrupted or ignored. Though obviously he may not read it and if he does you don't know how he will react - he may decide never to speak to you again, if you don't mind taking that risk (and doesn't sound as if it would be a great loss if he did decide that).

Also like upstartcrow said, you cannot control his reaction. So yes do think carefully about your expectations and the possible outcomes from doing this. Don't expect him to turn around and repent his sins, it's highly unlikely that will happen.

Narcissists only understand themselves.

Heal and move on. A confrontation will be only momentarily cathartic. And then you will relive it and its impacts.

So far no one has told him this so openly. No one told him what he is responsible for, none of my brothers or sister. They're even in relatively good relations with him. I want to let him know I DON'T think of him well at all and that I'm not afraid to tell him.
I was going to write him a Facebook message, probably not expecting that sort of message he'll start to read.
Maybe he will even apologise in case he answers only to divert blame from himself and sell his spiritual bullshit(I think if he would reply he would say crap like"if it makes you feel better to blame me then it's all my fault, whatever makes you feel good").

I was wondering in which form to write something that could be thought provoking.
Why should he live his life peacefully? If only one thing in the message disturbs him it will be enough.
I was planning to write it and block him because I don't want his petty shit.
So the question is how to address what he did, from where to start and with what point to end? There's so much to say. My goal is to make him think at least that he should apologise to my mum and to stop shitting all over her whenever he meets one of his children(which I heard he still does).

Satorye

Write him a letter, burn it, and go NC. There are things you need to say to him, fair enough. I don't think his response, whatever it is, is going to help.

I was wondering in which form to write something that could be thought provoking.

If he is anything like my dad, and it sounds like he is, there is nothing you can say that will make him face up to what he has done, or is still doing. Really, honestly, nothing.

Write it out in long had on paper. Rewrite it until you think you have it perfect. Then decide whether you ever want to see him again. If not send it or don't send it as feels right to you after you have done the work of putting it in writing.

Well I wrote him a message, sent it and blocked him.
I translated it if you're curious what I wrote;

^I’ve been avoiding for some time now to write to you, probably because I never had god-knows-what relationship with you so I can’t even talk to you”in my head”either.

But I’ll write the best I can nevertheless.
First of all, I think you came out as really miserable for not apologising to mum.
You have wronged her a lot more than she has you.
You KNOW you’re not right but even after so many years you still belittle her and without trace of remorse think only of yourself, with your”replacement”(I don’t know how will that woman respect you after she realised what a gypsy you were to mum, besides, I’m sure you’re still enacting your narcissistic complexes to that woman as well).

I’m deeply disappointed with you as a person who watched and supports pornography.
Considering how you act to this very day to woman that had 6 children and lived with traumas(before and after you), considering pornography, considering your sexist comments and”spirituality”(that obviously flatters your”man-ego”)I really can’t respect you.

Instead of you supporting mum at least from a distance-better said not constantly mock and ridicule her in front of children that live WITH HER-you only made it harder for her and you don’t even have any gains from it given you see your children every month or two-ridiculing hasn’t bond you with anyone.

I had luck to live with narcissistic abuser, just like you.
He hasn’t brushed his teeth, he only complains of me, sexist, cheapskate, spineless; it’s more important what others will say, smoker, emotionless-better said 0 compassion, passive-aggressive, perverted, bit of obsessed with gadgets, selfish, arrogant and completely out of touch with his child.

I hope you’re proud and I hope you remember that if others don’t judge you-I DO because I know first and second hand who you are!^

*i've also told the woman that's with him to get away while she can. I don't regret writing that because I don't wish any woman to put up with men like him.