Can some think like a misogynistic twat but not act like one?

[RebelRogue]

I've been mulling over this for a while.
OH's actions are in the walk the walk realm.
No "crazy" exes,he's actually friends with the main two and so am I. We help eachother out and there is a lot of respect going both ways.
Doesn't expect me to cook,clean etc and didn't even when I was a SAHM. If I did anything fine,if I didn't also fine, and he'd do it himself or we do it together at the weekend. I actually don't cook for him anymore and he does the dishes for everyone when he's done eating.
Was very supportive of me going back to work,looked at ads with me,helped with my cover letter and pays for childcare.
When DD was off sick for a longer period,he took one day off ,I took one and someone else looked after her for the other day. He attends all parents meetings with me. He supports DD in anything she wants to do,be it football or having his nails paintef and hair styled by her.
He doesn't watch porn or is in any way pushy with sex. Most days he won't even try if he knows I'm poorly,tired etc, and our sex life has taken a massive nose dive in the past 6 years,but he'll never complain. He will scratch my back for hours if i struggle to sleep but won't make a move even if he is turned on.
Knows about my wild past and never commented either positively or negatively,the past is in the past.
I have full access to all his accounts, I've never witnessed him to be aggressive towards me or anyone else.
There's loads of other things and ofc he has his moments when he can be an idiot or a twat ...

So you might think what the problem is?
The problem is that any time we discuss any feminist issues,big cases in the press with women as victims etc he is the embodiment of all the Daily Mail comments into one person. From victim blaming,to NAMALT ,to probably the same amount of men are abused too. It's like hitting a brick wall of stubbornness and misogyny. No argument works or makes a dent.
Sometimes I'm horrified by the things he says (which have never actually been aimed at me or any other woman he knows).

So how can someone that acts(is?!?) nice think such awful things about women? Every time we have one of these debates I'm left reeling and wonder who/how he really is.

P.s. We've been together 10 years and lived together for 9 so that would be an awfully long time to simply put on an act.

Two indecisive people together sounds like by the time you decided what you wanted to eat all the restaurants would already be closed!

Personally I have a lot more time for men who say what they honestly feel, even if it's divisive, but ultimately treat women in their lives and work with respect and equality than I do with the legions of men who say they do but behind closed doors most certainly don't

That is one of the reasons commentators like Ben Shapiro and Jordan Peterson are getting so much traction. Shapiro is right wing, conservative and anti- abortion. I have never however heard him express any views which suggest he opposes equality or which are disrespectful. He can be scathing about individual women (and men) he disagrees with but it is the argument he attacks.

I would be terribly disappointed if either of them were outed "me too" style although I assume given that they have plenty of enemies if there was anything of that nature it would have come out.

Thankfully food is an area where I'm pretty motivated!

My partner left a cherry pie with some posh custard in my fridge last night and as we didn't eat it she suggested I bring it over when I see her tomorrow. I've spent all day debating with myself whether I should eat it and buy another one (and worrying what will happen if the shop has run out of replacements tomorrow and I have to fess up!).

I'd eat it. The pastry might get hard in the fridge and then it wouldn't be as good! And then take something with me as an apology.

My husband has had to be educated to "get" it. I think he gets it as best he can. He agrees with me about women's spaces and I can tell he gets quietly angry about it. He posts on here sometimes and has written to our mp about it. I think really he would rather not know about it. Any of it.

We were watching sleeping with the enemy the other day and there is a scene where Julia Roberts Is kissing the "nice" new guy on the stairs. She tells him to stop 3 times and has to push him off forcefully. I felt the scene was meant to portray how much she had over reacted. I said as much and commented that what fucking man continues to do that after being told No 3 times.

He looked very uncomfortable.

Years ago I was talking about the expectation on women to "glam up" when they go out. He replied that yes, it's terrible, it's the same for him

My SO (significant other) of over 30 years finally understood some of the things I've talked about after a dog bit him and he was blamed for the incident. (He was walking down a road, two dogs ran at him, one bit him and both continued to try to bite him.) The incident helped him understand about victim blaming and once he understood that it opened his eyes to other issues.

(This is not a recommendation for being bitten by a dog or experiencing victim blaming. Both are bad.)

I've spent all day debating with myself whether I should eat it and buy another one
I do this!!

“I enjoyed my XP taking the lead in lots of ways, but where it fell apart was him overriding me on things that were important to me, because he didn’t know how to loosen the reins when dominance wasn’t the order of the day“

Blimey. How did you indicate to him when “dominance wasn’t the order of the day”?

How about "never"? Never works for me.

Yep, me too.

Also this is a perfect example of why people get told to RTFT. If I'd read the previous page I'd have been a lot less friendly to the dude above.

Blimey. How did you indicate to him when “dominance wasn’t the order of the day”?. I just mean that I was happy for him to take the lead - to choose a film or decide where to eat etc as being a single mum, I just wanted someone to take care of me for a change. Dominance wasn’t the order of the day when he became angry and called me a cunt, I told him I wasn’t having it and he told me he’d call me whatever he liked whenever he liked and I could just sit and watch him do it. Hence the now ex!!

@Agrona - did your OH’s dog bite experience make him more wary of all dogs, perhaps less trusting of them even though they are not the specific dog who bit him?

(This is not a recommendation for being bitten by a dog or experiencing victim blaming. Both are bad.)

You forgot to add the obligatory NADALT :)

I am trying to educate him,i probably need to prepare myself better for this. I tend to get angry after a while because he doesn't get it. Tbh I didn't either for quite a while,but once I've "seen" I can't unsee it and i find it baffling when others can't, which is unfair i guess.

My DH absolutely despises men - his father was an abusive prick and tortured him and his brothers and mother. His mother suffered a lot and my DH never, ever forgave his dad and is keenly aware of the evil that men do. It makes for a strange dynamic as I am so used to other men being defensive when male violence is called out, yet when I talk about it to DH he agrees with me and there is really no debate.

MyRelationshipIsWeird
OH was already wary of both dogs and people. He now avoids those specific dogs (and the people who victim blamed him) and also displays less trust for all dogs. Of course, he shouldn't judge all dogs by the ones who attacked him, or have become dogphobic. Maybe if he tries to educate himself about dogs, he might be able to overcome his fears. (In case it is not clear, I am not being completely serious, (or Sirius).

RebelRogue My commiserations. It is extremely difficult to 'unsee' something (if not impossible).

palliers
Sorry, you are correct. NADALT! My humblest apologies.

@Agrona but a dog might identify as a man and follow him to the toilet or become his coworker.

Do you think we can get #NADALT trending?

Still, if ever he's afraid of one of those type of dogs, they can just put some bunny ears on it and tell him it's a rabbit, he'll be fine.

CritEqual - "VaguelyAware just as a quick aside have you tried asking your husband why his opinion should carry any weight when it's not likely him that is likely to be a victim in this case? Also can he see why potential victims (ie women) might take a different view?"

Not the first part but yes on the second. He's aware I've suffered male violence previously - my XP was not a nice man.
I suspect for my DH, it comes primarily from a POV of wanting to be fair to everyone, & knowing it's not possible. He has a few really nice GNC friends, 2 of whom are female & 1 is male. 1 is trans (pre or non medical) & the others identify differently. We have also another trans friend who went the full medical route. My DH sees that there is a lot of prejudice against people who are GNC & believes that the easiest way to resolve it is to accept them into spaces they feel safe. Rather than campaign against the prejudice. My DH, despite being enormous & extremely strong, is one of the least violent people I've ever met. I've never felt scared of him despite all the crap my XP did to me. I don't know, my DH has said in the past that there's no way to stop male violence in society so it's better to just find other solutions. He does at least acknowledge it's not a perfect solution but he doesn't see another way that doesn't result in oppressing someone, someone will always be oppressed. So I see his POV & he sees mine - we don't agree though.