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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Expectation husbands will have final say/best 'deal'..

12 replies

Camomila · 20/02/2018 07:25

Writing this so early as DS is asleep on my arm and I'm too uncomfy to get back to sleep. It's been bugging me for a few weeks.

Basically, in the summer we are moving out of DHs home town and to mine. I've lived here 4 years, tried my best to make friends etc. but I've never liked it/settled.
Pros of my home town: Lots! DH agrees.
Cons: Longer commute for DH, further from DH parents and friends.

We were talking to some of DHs friends about it over lunch a few weeks ago and they all expressed disbelief/were very negative and only focused on DHs commute and DHs parents.

I'm wondering is there like some societal 'thing' that we expect the man/husband to have the final say/get the 'best deal' out of all big life decisions...or am I feeling some sort of guilt that I'm getting more positives than DH? (Even though DH agrees my home town is 'better' re houseprices, schools, family support etc...)

OP posts:

DragonsAndCakes · 20/02/2018 07:27

We never had this when we did similar. I think your DH just has some friends who can only see his POV.

stoneagefertilitydoll · 20/02/2018 08:25

I think lots of people think that the one that brings in the money should be pandered to, should be the one who gets final say in how its spent - hence the shock that your DP would take a longer commute for what they see as your benefit.

Personally, I see it as family money, and yes, the length of DP's commute (for example) does play into family happiness, so is a factor (eg. unless there was really no other choice, we wouldn't live separately during the week), but it's not overriding, he doesn't get final say.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 20/02/2018 08:42

I think there's also an expectation that a long commute for the man is acceptable. It's more important that the woman works close to home for those all important emergency pick-ups from school when the kids are ill.
Long commutes can be crippling in terms of tiredness - basically turning an 8 hour day into a 10 or 11 hour day easily.

stoneagefertilitydoll · 20/02/2018 08:48

I think that one cuts both ways - I've done the long commute (pre kids) and agree - basically the whole week is a write off when you're out of the house at 7 and not home till nearly 8 every day (and of course longer than that once a week when the trains screw up). I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but yes, because DP couldn't (and wouldn't - which is a whole other discussion) be home to do either pickups or drop offs, it forced me to freelance/find a job where I could be there in 15 mins to pick up a sick kid, which obviously impacted the roles I could get.

An acceptance that a bloke can abdicate all responsibility for that, because of a tough commute to his better job, and then still gets to have final say with the money is a bit more than I would be able to stomach though.

Original poster

Camomila · 20/02/2018 09:25

Exactly Stoneage On one hand DH will have the worse commute, But, I’ll be the one rushing to nursery, doing the boring flexible hours job, making dinner and bathing DS and then he’ll get to come home to ready made dinner and a cute pjamad DS for a half hours playtime and cuddles...so swings and roundabouts surely.

OP posts:

DenPerry · 20/02/2018 10:10

No not at all, we just moved house and DP wanted me to have more say to be honest.

SundaysFunday · 20/02/2018 11:14

Perhaps the negative response you got was because you we're getting by feedback from DH's friends, who you are moving away from.

I'm sure your friends and family (who you are moving closer to) are much more positive about your move?

Patodp · 20/02/2018 11:25

They're probably upset that he's moving away

Patodp · 20/02/2018 11:26

If all his friends you spoke to we're in the new town it would have been a totally different reaction.

InternetHoopJumper · 20/02/2018 13:34

I have noticed this quite a bit and it soured my on the whole dating thing. It's when talking with people, they mostly talk to my boyfriend and his opinions seem more important than mine. When I make decisions separate from a boyfriend, people would ask me if he was okay with that. I always felt like an extention of a man's life whenever I was in a relationship and it was my friends who acted that way too.

Fishfingersandwichnocheese · 20/02/2018 17:16

I read a fb post the other day that referred to to the Male as “head of the household”

So I can well believe people do think this.

qumquat · 20/02/2018 17:33

I think this particular instance is probably just his friends being sad he's moving away. However when it comes to moving decisions linked to career I've definitely seen an expectation that the wife sacrifices her career to her husband's desire to move to further his career. Probably because she's already buggered her career by having kids...

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