Were you a 'tom boy' growing up?

[LeslieKnopefan]

I grew up in the 80s / 90s and was a complete tom boy, I hated wearing dresses - in fact the only pictures of me wearing them growing up was at weddings wear I look miserable!

I loved football, watched it obsessively and played it in the garden and for a while played for a team but that wasn't very easy as there wasn't many about.

It wasn't easy, boys didnt want me to play football with them and from the age of about 13 playing sport wasnt cool for girls so I gave most of it up to fit in.

But, no one questioned if I was a girl, of course I was and now as an adult I am very happy to be a woman, even if I prefer the company of men and still hardly wear a dress or makeup and love sport.

Is it easier for girls to be tomboys (for a better word!) now? There does seem to be more sports but I am very worried that if I was a teen now I would think I was in the wrong body or have other people say that to me?

I was a tomboy, cropped hair, hung out with boys, played football for the boys team and never wore a dress or skirt.
My dd(11) is the same but unfortunately, she hasn't had such an easy passage.
She was initially bullied when she started high school by 11 lads who kept asking her if she was a boy. They terrified her by surrounding her and jostling her.
She has also been called a gender bender.

All these insults have come from boys from a different ethnic background to ourselves. It makes me wonder if their religious beliefs colour their opinions.

Yes I was 100% a tomboy. Up until my teenage years, I wanted to be a boy, gave myself a boys name etc.

I loved my bmx, climbing trees, playing on my skateboard, computer games, very competitive at sports etc, HATED wearing skirts or dresses (thankfully my parents were somewhat progressive and allowed me to wear whatever I wanted). I even had a short spikey haircut, like all of the other boys

I also much preferred playing with boys because all the girls I knew were playing with stereotypical girls toys and liked wearing their mums high heels.

Once I got the age of about 13 I started getting more into traditional girls stuff, but I suspect that was only to try and fit in. I was still the odd one who had weird hair, loved sports when all of my friends hated it and wasn't bothered about looking or acting girly (I was really bullied for that, especially by the boys at that age)

These days I wear my husbands clothes (comfy!), love cars, don't make any particular effort with my appearance and am generally more comfortable in male company. Probably a good thing that I had a son!

Actually, I am a grown up tomboy now.

I fully inhabit my ‘woman’ identity with comfort and ease, love being a mother.

But I am still happiest outdoors, preferably camping and lighting a fire, etc.

I have short hair, do not wear make up (occasionally minimal) , have never had my nails done, or worn high heels. I do not identify with ‘feminine’ , but see the way I am a woman as part of the broad and wonderful spectrum of how women are and how women can be.

Similar experience to many here. I only wore boys clothes and had my hair cut short. Played football in the field with all the boys. I loved being mistaken for a boy and used to fantasize about going to the boys school where I wouldn't have to wear a pinafore. Then puberty approached and I started wearing dangly earrings until I could grow my hair out. I wouldn't say I embraced femininity, but I definitely didn't want to be mistaken for a boy anymore. As I child I could very easily have been convinced I was a boy (I used to dream about it). I'm very glad I grew up when I did.

At high school a skirt was enforced in the uniform but other than that I only wore trousers, never a dress unless forced. I used to tape my boobs down to make them as flat as possible and if given the chance would have turned ‘boy’ in no time. I would have happily had surgery at 15 to turn into a guy. I am so happy I don’t live in todays world. If I’d have been given the chance to express myself the way I felt in high school I would probably have a penis by now supported by various authorities.

I am very content as a mother and woman who was just irked by every angle of puberty and didn’t really fancy being a girl going through that.
I am seriously contemplating leaving the U.K. so my dd has no possibility of exposure to what I believe is too much attention on a minor subject. If a trans person wants to go about in society as the opposite sex was it such a big deal? Surely the easiest way to put a stop to this is to say you will be labelled your current sex until you have surgery and hormone treatment and if you have body dysmorphia you get psychiatric help.

Yes and no. It was so socially acceptable to wear boys clothes when I was a teen and, as a child in the 70s to 80s, my clothes weren't that different to my brothers in colour, fabric and style. I was a very active girl and loved to climb and race and get messy but I also played with dolls and danced around the garden with a ribbon on a stick. I mostly had short hair, firstly because it was my parents' choice and then because it was the fashion as a teen.

I do remember realising that I had fewer opportunities to continue being active once at Secondary School. I was the fastest child in my primary school at the end of my time there and I went up to Secondary School and no-one gave a shit about girls and sports. I was really crap at being a teenage girl - doing hair, make-up and following fashion. That's probably why I did the Indie-rock-chick thing as 15 year old. It was easier to make a show of rejecting the girls who got dressed up and went to night clubs and instead enter a sub-culture where it was easier to be accepted and easier to be different.

I was always envious of the grunge and surf/skater fashions the boys could adopt and look instantly cool in yet when I wore the clothes, I knew I looked like a girl wearing boys clothes. I'd be an insecure mess if I were a teen today, trying and failing to fit in with the girls. It's scary to see the growing sub-culture (trans identity) those types of girls are being drawn towards today.

I took joy in wearing my my older brother's hand-me-downs so had very few actual girls clothes until I was about 13 (and could no longer fit into those clothes). I spent my childhood climbing trees, jumping of the roof etc, and doing loads of sport. In my teen years I used to go away on long camps in the holidays where I met a few slightly older girls similar to me that I used to hang around with. As adults I know that a couple of them are gay, but a couple of others (like me) are straight.

I never wanted to be a boy, I just didn't like being 'girly'. I'm pretty certain that nowadays in the same situation my gender etc would be called into question - which is quite sad really, as I knew who I was and wasn't in any way confused, I was just being 'me'.

I grew up in the 70s and 80s with a very traditional parents girls didn't wear trousers girls didn't climb trees girls didn' t watch Starwars (or get the toys) I was a huge dissapointment especially to my step dad it was awful being told thats for boys.

We allowed dds to grow up how they liked Dd1 was probably your tom boy stereotype but she never wanted to be a boy

I was more geeky than tomboy. Wasn't sporty or into boyish pursuits. But dressed in any old tatty t-shirt and jeans. And always extremely gobby, loud and opinionated. There's never been anything feminine about me.

I feel so sorry for the kids today - funnelled by extreme capitalism and the internet into such narrow spectrums of acceptable presentation and behaviour that they feel disconnected from their own bodies.

I honestly think transgenderism is a product of extreme capitalism. It's finally managed to commodify our very bodies. We should have worried more when plastic surgery became popular.

I had one brother and three male cousins, and was very much a tom boy. I knew I was an engineer around the age of 7. I had a swiss army knife for my 9th birthday. I did metalwork, woodwork, engineering drawing. I went to college and did metalwork and engineering drawing and an ONC in mechanical and production engineering. I then went on to be a civil engineering.

I once thought it would be easier to be a boy, and if I'd been born now I'd probably have bought into the crap and transitioned. It would have made my life so much easier, not having all the sexist crap year in year out.

Which is why I have been gender critical all my life really. I'm now 50. I believe we should target the sexist stereotypes, not mould reality to avoid or take advantage of it [depending on which side you are on].

I was a massive tomboy growing up - I had 3 older brothers and my mum wasn't into typical "girl" activities, didn't wear makeup or dresses and played and coached football. When I was a teenager I also had several girlfriends rather than boyfriends. My first boyfriend was at 20.

My DSD is similar to me in her likes now at 8 but she constantly says she's really a boy and I do worry if this is because she's exposed to an environment where she can't just be a "tomboy" and enjoy whatever she wants. I try to tell her that hating pink and dolls doesn't make her a boy but she's fairly insistent.

And i am now going off to my shed [MY shed] to do some woodwork.

Its very different to being a tomboy or being in the wrong body.

A tomboy likes "Male" things, wears "boy" clothes.

Someone who thinks they were born in the wrong body has very strong feelings and wants to be the opposite sex completely.

I was a primary teacher and have taught quite a few 'Tom boys' - only really want to play with the boys, love football, sporty, often (but not always) short hair, aren't at all interested in playing with the girls and don't get involved the friendship dramas that often happen amongst the girls.

Some of them grew into 'feminine' teenagers who left the boys behind for makeup and selfies, some of them remained 'Tom boys'. But all of them were well adjusted and happy, at least in their 'gender identity'.

This was a few years ago now, before all this 'gender' bollocks came into play, and I really do shudder to think what would have happened if Mermaids or similar had got their claws into them and their parents.

That Mermaids propaganda about the 'scale of gender identity' with a slim, pink, long haired figure and 'Barbie doll' at one end and a thick waisted, trousered, figure with 'GI Joe' at the other is some truly fucked up shit. I think about a couple of the girls I taught in particular and how happy go lucky and carefree they were and comfortable in their own skin with not conforming with the girls, and it makes me so sad that Mermaids could have come in and shattered that for them. Argh!

i was fairly feminine in a grungy 90s way, which would not look feminine by today's beauty standards at all. but i wore short dresses and heels. as a teenager i was repeatedly sexually harassed by a man i knew. i then spent 3 years dressing in baggy tracksuits and trying to like what i perceived to be man stuff (cars etc). i have only made the link between my change in style and confidence and the harassment recently. i was trying to present a tougher, "fuck off" exterior to the world and i became incredibly shy during this period. the sad, sad thing is that i was wearing baggy tracksuits and my "fuck off" face when i was raped. so it didn't work.

re schools is it possible to ask your kid's schools what resources they use? i would pull a child out of school if i found they were peddling this dogma. is the mermaids stuff aimed at secondary or primary too?

Yes, a complete tomboy.

I'm so grateful I grew up in the 80s when no one gave a shit. If I were a child now, I'd probably be on hormones that would fuck me up forevermore and not have the opportunity to grow into the happy woman and mother that I am.

Someone who thinks they were born in the wrong body has very strong feelings and wants to be the opposite sex completely.

But that's the problem isn't it? Most children and adults don't have gender dysphoria: it is a mental health issue in the same bracket as anorexia.

But children are increasingly being told that if your interests and preferences don't fit the category of your sex, then you could be 'transgender' and need to transition to the opposite sex.

Yes and no, like some others. Was always very outdoorsy, like campfires, etc. but never had short hair or played football.
I hated dolls and used to pull their heads off, then people stopped buying them for me.
Like a couple of people above, our group of 2-3 boys and 1-2 girls used to spend all days mucking about in fields and woodlands.
Also never got on with most of the girls at school. I don't get this "it's worse for girls now". In the mid 80-s almost all the girls at my highschool were seemingly only interested in shortening their skirts, makeup, and (usually older) boys.
I never had anything in common with them and was bullied as a result, for not fitting in.

I was between the ages eight and twelve. With all the stuff going on around gender identity at the moment I’ve been thinking a lot about this period of my life and why I chose to be a tom boy.

I didn’t actually want to be a boy, or grow into a man. I didn’t want a penis, I didn’t even like many traditional boy activities like football or fighting games. I was a typical 70/80s free range child, I wanted to be free to climb trees and run around with my friends, I didn’t want to be a grown woman, I wanted to be a pre pubescent girl forever. The day the periods started I was eleven and I sobbed and sobbed, I thought my life, my freedom, was over and now I’d have to grow up and wear skirts. I think, at that point, if someone had told me I could put off puberty and come out the other end as a boy I would have jumped at the chance just to avoid becoming a woman, or at least what I thought a woman was then.

Not really as a child. Long hair, ballet, liked dresses sometimes, but not for playing.

But as a teenager I railed against expectations of girls. Wanted to be the best in science and maths. The only girl to choose Craft, design and technology with all the boys instead of 'textiles' and home economics with all the girls.

I wanted a foot in both camps. To perform femininity when I fancied it, but to have the same choices and be respected like the boys.

I think I also wanted (although I wouldn't have admitted it) to be seen as a 'special kind of girl', the one who stood out from the pack, who could change a tyre and use a hammer drill, but was still fanciable (I wasn't).

I've tried to unpack that weird attitude since. However I sometimes see it in other women, especially those that have risen and beaten the odds, particularly in many female politicians and high profile public figures. It's a kind of arrogance that credits one's success to one's specialness, and dismisses other women as perhaps not quite cut from the same special cloth. It denies real barriers to women exist, as part of the narrative "hey, I'm not like the whiners, if I can do it, anyone can, we're all equal now, but I guess some women just don't quite have the chutzpah". Beating the odds becomes a badge of honour, instead of evidence that the odds are stacked against other women. It shouldn't be only the top 1% of women succeeding, whilst mediocre men expect to as their birthright.

I think this attitude is why so many women who've done OK for themselves are invested in securing their own position and denying there really is a problem for others.

Anyway. Sorry for derail. Not a tomboy as such, although I remember wearing my brother's cord dungarees and seventies knee length mustard and brown stripy socks with pleasure.

As you were.

Someone who thinks they were born in the wrong body has very strong feelings and wants to be the opposite sex completely.

But we're talking about kids and adolescents. Adolescence is a period of identity formation - that's the entire point of it. Adolescents are undergoing hormone surges that make extreme emotions, wants and desires more likely. That is why about 80% of them desist from cross-sex identification if left to their own devices.

That is why we are talking about our own experiences of gender role incongruent feelings and pursuits during our own childhoods and adolescences. You can't say that strong feelings in adolescence are a symptom of lifelong trans.

BarrackerBarmer - that's the thing, isn't it? We all want to be able to express our personalities, whatever they are, regardless of sex role stereotypes. But we all also want to attract mates/be fanciable and that inevitably involves sending sex signals.

My grandmother used to tell me and all her other granddaughters that we should express ourselves authentically and "fuck what the boys think". (She did swear A LOT!) She said it might mean that fewer boys fancied us but those that did would be the ones who were actually worth going out with so it was like a quality control system. I often think back to her saying that these days because she was so right.

I got called a tomboy.

The thing is, I didn't like sport and wasn't an active/adventurous child, which is what I understood tomboy to mean. The only reason I got that label was because I wore practical clothes (no flouncy pretty things for me) and didn't want to play with dolls etc.

Just not liking those few things was enough to get me labelled as something other than "girl".

But god knows I envied boys and their freedom. During my early teens I cut my hair short and easily passed as a boy. I never minded that, people were less patronising to me if they thought I was male.

I remember saying to a friend, when I was about 17, if I could choose I'd be a boy - specifically a boy in the style of Richey from the Manics, or the guys from King Adora, because to my eyes they got to have all the dressing up fun with none of the sexualisation (though I didn't know that word then).