Women, sex and pain

[HeatedCatFurniture]

One of my (male 👍) friends shared this on Facebook. It's about how women are socialised to ignore pain and discomfort during sex and in other situations. It really struck a chord with me. Sorry if the link isn't clicky - am on phone.
theweek.com/articles/749978/female-price-male-pleasure

Clicky link; excellent article.

theweek.com/articles/749978/female-price-male-pleasure

Thanks Upstart

Someone linked to that in another thread yesterday - it's eye-opening and horrifying. I found the 72% stat for anal particularly disturbing (though it's very much in line with the BMJ article a few years ago which found that among young adult women who'd tried it, the majority were either meh about it, finding it brought them no pleasure, or actively found it painful. And, scarily, the young adult men expected to have to pressure their sexual partners into acquiescing in the knowledge that the women would probably find it painful.

Also on another thread yesterday someone commented on how the women on the VF cover were arranged in these contorted poses while the men were stood naturally and comfortably. It's the same thing, isn't it? From minor discomfort to major pain, we're expected to put up and shut up.

This is so true, and I don’t think I really realised it about myself until I stopped and thought about it properly.
My sexual partners are great, and very giving, and will spend a long time making sure I feel good and that I orgasm etc. So I always think yeah, this is great sex, they’re making sure I enjoy it.
And yet the intercourse itself is often uncomfortable for me, I get soreness and sometimes small tears and I’m also massively prone to UTIs so have that pain after sex. Even if my partner sees I’m not 100% enjoying it and stops and makes sure I’m okay, I’ll always say yes I’m fine, keep going, even if I’m not. Why?! I feel guilty if I say no, stop. I’ve had my fun so I feel selfish saying no, you can’t carry on now.
I think I fooled myself into thinking I’m not like those women who ‘put up with bad sex’ because I don’t consider it bad, it’s just normal...but I know it’s not

Very interesting article

I find penetration quite painful if DH is on top of me. I also don't like the sensation of being stuck underneath him, particularly. He's a lot bigger than me.
I only ever come if I'm on top, or occasionally in doggy. DH knows this and he's okay with it, but I still feel like a bit of a failure because him being on top really doesn't work for me at all. I don't like being dominated or overcome or pressured during sex, and there's a nagging doubt that I have that I'm some sort of cold fish.

Quite aside from issues like vaginismus, different positions can be unpleasant or even painful because of variations in anatomy between women. Women with retroverted uteruses in particular find some positions uncomfortable. I can totally relate to the "not wanting to feel even the slightest bit like I'm being dominated" thing, Clanger and I don't think I'm a cold fish at all (and I very much doubt you are either).

Sex is meant to be mutually pleasurable enjoyment, it shouldn't come with a tick list of positions to be mastered, and scores for technical merit and artistic impression. I remember one metaphor that stuck with me: is the person (usually a man) talking as if it were a competitive sport, or is it much more along the lines of a music jamming session between friends? You play music with people, you play sport against people. If a man's language around sex involves all sorts of words like "scoring", "getting to such and such a base" and so on, he is probably not a man you want to go to bed with. At best he'll be pretty useless at giving you any pleasure at all, at worst he'll be downright abusive.

I spent years finding sex very painful. Condoms were extremely sore to use. Always spoilt everything for me. And id be sore for a while after too.

It took a long time for me to speak up and be honest about how some things were painful as I felt I should he enjoying it and wondered wtf was wrong with me that I didn't

Since I've had children I find sex almost always causes a small tear/ulcer in the same place on my labia, despite lubrication, which lasts a few days. I suspect when they stitched me back together after birth I'm left with superfluous skin that snags, or perhaps I'm stitched too tight in places and that rubs, I don't know.

If the NHS wants to increase smear uptake, one way they could do this would be to give women the option to also have a chat about their vaginas and have them checked out for such concerns during a smear, and also discuss continence issues etc. Give the option of making it a longer, women's health appointment. Make that a gold standard of care.

I know I will never make a specific appointment JUST to discuss this and get looked at. But killing these multiple issues in one appointment seems like quite an incentive to me.

Perhaps take a leaf from Jordan Peterson's book and be less agreeable.
You want to try anal sure.
Let's buy the biggest dildo you can find and we'll do you first. if you're ok with that then I'll think about it.

This can be a two-way street by the way.
Ask any man about jaw ache when giving extended oral.🙂

Try building sex from a foundation of intimacy as opposed to intimacy from a foundation of sex. It is possible to do the latter but it’s the difference between going against the current or with it.

Ask any man about jaw ache when giving extended oral.🙂

err.. ditto - plus of course if the bloke gets a bit enthusiastic there's the gagging, which isn't exactly fun..

I thought the different levels of what we mean when we say "Bad sex" was particularly thought-provoking.

I've been thinking back on my (over 30 year, on and off) sexual history. No intention of posting gory details, so trolly mctrolls can give up reading at this point. But in abstract terms. It was uncomfortable and sometimes painful for quite a long time. I had trouble "letting go" in order to orgasm. I'd be almost there, then start to feel over-stimulated and it would just become irritating. I kind of went off sex.

The thing that turned it round was a totally lovely boyfriend who was a committed Catholic - and a pragmatist. He wasn't going to break the rules, so no PIV (or indeed P in any orifice) before marriage, but believed in having a good time short of that. We had a very satisfying, lovely and loving sex live with no PIV. The next relationship I had, I went back to PIV, and barring an episode of vaginismus early on, it was fantastic. I finally got what the fuss was about.

But it's left me with very little patience with people who insist that only PIV can be proper sex. (Had a long argument about this one on a writers' forum about a year back - with other middle aged women. I was trying to argue for an imaginary medieval fantasy society without contraception, but where young couples had non PIV sex until such time as they were ready to have sex - and was amazed to find that pretty much everyone else thought this was completely unbelievable and wasn't real sex. Weird IMO, but they were very insistent.)

I've had vaginismus for as long as I've known, I've carried the burden with me from me and my partners first attempt to now.
We don't try anymore especially not until i gain the confidence to seek help(can't bring myself to go to the doctors because a smear test will be done )
Despite all this me and my partner are perfectly happy and have found a way to still enjoy ourselves ect.

Communication is definitely key with a lot of things and nobody should ever do what they don't want to. Luckily for me both me and my partner are against anal but(and no pun intended 😂) even if he was i would be assertive because if i don't want to i shouldn't have to.
There are good partners out there who will respect you(my partner included) but i feel every woman should be honest about when something doesn't feel right, hurts, or they simply don't want to try it. And if their partner gets all huffy or doesn't stop/disagrees? We'll then its byeee time for you mate adios! Nobody should stick with someone who doesn't respect them x

Placemarking