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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

How to protect our daughters

13 replies

olddogsnewtricks · 27/01/2018 12:29

I'm posting this in feminism because I don't want to get torn apart on aibu and I think it is a feminist issue too. Today I took DD (8) to the library and she was looking at one aisle while I was in the next one. When I moved around to hers I saw that a man was standing over her (she was crouched to look at the books near floor level). I thought he was a bit rude but probably nothing more. I kept an eye on him and as she moved, so did he, sort of squishing in to the shelves so she couldn't get out. I'd seen enough by then and came forward and he saw me and left. Now, DD thought he was a "rude man" who didn't give her much space but I also felt that she should know that she didn't have to be polite to him because HE was in the wrong. However, trying to explain this I really got tied up in knots - basically trying to warn her against men without tarring all men with the same brush! The more I think about it, the angrier I am - it really wasn't just a case of not understanding personal space. I am convinced it was done on purpose and I really should have said something but it was over so fast. I knnow this is a much wider social issue but basically my question is: what do you say to your daughters about situations like this? She is very kind and polite and hates to offend anyone - exactly like I was at her age and I can remember a number of unpleasant experiences that I don't want her to have to face.

OP posts:

Megs4x3 · 27/01/2018 12:32

No-one should behave this way. If you're worried about tarring all men with the same brush, have a non-gender-specific conversation about rude people who invade her space and let her know that she doesn't have to tolerate this behaviour from anyone.

Megs4x3 · 27/01/2018 12:34

PS as an adult it's worth alerting the library staff to the behaviour of this particular person and giving them as specific a description as you can.

RunLillian88 · 27/01/2018 12:38

It is a hard one! I think you need to let her know about the line between being tolerant and standing up for herself.

I would maybe start about body ownership, and no one should make her feel uncomfortable by being too close, making her hug when she doesn't want to and the like.

It can be a scary world, but you're there to look after her and she is very lucky to have you!

RunLillian88 · 27/01/2018 12:40

But please let the correct authorities know. If he acts like that in public imagine what he's like in private.

Original poster

olddogsnewtricks · 27/01/2018 13:08

Thanks. I should have talked to the library staff I know but it all happened so quickly and I am really bad at recognising people as it is. Thanks for the tips.

OP posts:

UpstartCrow · 27/01/2018 13:11

Teach her that being nice and polite is less important than being safe.

Teach her to listen to her instinct. If someone makes her feel uncomfortable she should pay attention, leave the situation straight away, and find someone or somewhere safe.

Teach her she is allowed boundaries. She should never share information with anyone.

Tell her that unsafe people sometimes pretend to be nice to win your trust. Thats why we get to know people over a period of time and allow trust gradually.

ijustwannadance · 27/01/2018 13:12

If you want your DD to be able to stand up for herself then you need her to learn by example and not be so passive yourself.

UpstartCrow · 27/01/2018 13:12

...and find a good Akido or Judo club and enrol her.

Not Tai Kwondo or Karate, or any other discipline that depends on strength and punching.

Original poster

olddogsnewtricks · 27/01/2018 13:15

If you want your DD to be able to stand up for herself then you need her to learn by example and not be so passive yourself.

Why do you think I was passive? You weren't there. As soon as I realised what was happening, he was gone. I didn't think there was much point in telling the library staff that someone whom I couldn't describe was standing a bit too close to my daughter. It sounds ridiculous.

OP posts:

Thinkingofausername1 · 27/01/2018 13:16

I think we all can trust our instincts- if she was in the way, he could have said excuse me. But as you described he made himself, look odd. I always trust my instinct- even if it means I'm rude. Better safe then sorry.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 27/01/2018 13:25

There are likely cameras OP. It's always worth reporting. I probably would not if it was just me, but it's worth it if it is s child. This will allow them to watch in future and not all children have parents watching.

Original poster

olddogsnewtricks · 27/01/2018 13:29

Unfortunately no cameras! The library is now closed but I will go back next week and if I see him again (and manage to recognise him!) I will say something.

OP posts:

PracticallyTerfectInEveryWay · 27/01/2018 13:43

This sounds really dodgy.

There is a considerable psychological literature (with very interesting experiments!) on the concept of personal space. It might differ from culture to culture but it is a real thing.

There are resources for children on understanding personal space - aimed at those who inadvertently breach it but just as useful, I would have thought, for explaining that one is well within one's rights for not wanting people too close and that the personal space breacher is in the wrong.

It wouldn't be tarring every man with the same brush, I don't think, to say that there are a small number of people in life who invade personal space deliberately.

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