Are there resources to educate our sons about porn?

[sourpatchkid]

I'm really ahead of myself here as DS is only 1 year old but it's the one thing I can't get my head round and I wanted a space to chat about it?

Thing is, I have no problem with visual representations of sexuality. Women's body's are beautiful and erotic. Sex is natural and fun and sometimes beautiful. and I'll admit I've accessed pictures of porn in the past. But things are so extreme these days and there seems such a theme of humiliation and pain towards women. I don't want my son to see these things and find them acceptable. I don't want them to be the things he turns to to turn him on. And yet, I don't mind him access consensual "normal" sexual images as he gets older.

But how the bloody hell do I do that?

Is some porn acceptable? And if so how do you encourage access to that and not the other stuff?

I'm happy to talk to my kid about anything but I'll imagine at 13 he's not going to want to speak to his mum about gang bangs!

So what's out there to help with this discussion
(Am happy with the consent discussions - is that where it starts?6

I’m interested in this too. Following for advice as I’ve no idea...

is very informative.

It's something I'm increasingly aware I need to talk to DS about. He's still primary school age, and I feel he's too young to have to talk about this stuff with him. But on the other hand, several of his friends have now got smart phones, so I know it's only a matter of time.

I'm thinking of going with "some people like to watch films of other people having sex" (this alone will make him go eurgh, he still hides when people kiss on TV), "and some nasty people like to combine films of sex with films of people being hurt - this is wrong and horrible. Sex in the real world is not like that - it's fun and about caring for the other person. If someone shows you anything that you find upsetting, you can talk to me or one of your teachers about it. We won't be shocked, we won't be upset, we won't blame you for what someone else has shown you."

But argh, I don't want to have to do this.

If I'm feeling brave about it, I might try to get onto whether the performers are consenting - by analogy with those horrible "people falling down and hurting themselves" shows. That some of the people either don't want to be doing it at all and are forced into it, or did it but had no idea they were being filmed, and that you can never tell whether the people in the films were actually happy with what was going on. That's a really difficult one to explain though.

HairyBall that sounds a good approach. DS is early primary so a bit worried that it'll be time to discuss all too soon.

Read this recently and thinking of giving it to DS's dad and asking how we avoid this for DS: theweek.com/articles/749978/female-price-male-pleasure

I suspect starting now with laying the foundations with empathy and consideration would be a good idea.

Without wanting to absolve us mothers of responsibility at all, but I think this would be a great father-son conversation (assuming their father is around).

My sons are also young but I know my husband has strong feelings about this and I will be encouraging him to talk to his sons about why he doesn't use porn and about the effects he has seen of porn use amongst his friends.

I feel that a discussion about porn use between males has to potential to be less "lecturing" in style.

Blimey - that article is an eye-opener. I kind of knew fragments of this stuff, but having it all laid out systematically. It's horrific.

"Empathy and consideration" - yes to this. I am hoping that since all the evidence so far is that DS is a kind, thoughtful, caring child, when he is an adult these character traits will carry over into sex - so long as porn isn't allowed to give him this idea that sex is a separate sphere, hermetically sealed from the rest of life and from moral responsibility.

Gosh glitter that article is a good read. Thanks for sharing.

Thank you everyone, it's helpful to chat. That article is so sad

DH is around, and I think he will chat, he's just a little more .. reserved? (I want a nice word for prudish) than me and may show a little uncomfortableness that I know I wouldn't.

I had a chat with d's when he was about ten (it started because he was telling me someone had got round schools Google settings and they watched a video of a woman whose clothes blew off 😯)
I asked him what the woman was doing, he said laughing and finding it funny. I asked him if in real life his clothes blew off would he laugh? He said no it would be embarrassing. I asked him 8f he'd find it funny if my clothes blew off? And would I be happy or upset?
Then we talked about the difference between acting and reality.

I have had conversations since about acting vs. Genuine enjoyment. It's hard but I think the best approach is just to be really open.

I talk about it with my DS19 when the opportunity arises if you will excuse the double entendre, I think it is really important.

We talk about how shaved isn't normal, how girls in porn movies have often been coerced or are hurt during filming,,

however there's only a tiny window of opportunity before he gets embarrassed and changes the subject.

My plan was to put together a scrap book of tasteful explicit images and postcards of nude renaissance busts and get to them before the gross porn does. I'm off to go burry my head in the sand some more.

You know eggs, here is the weird thing. A part of me does want to direct him to more appropriate images. I know there is 'female friendly' porn. But that's weird isn't it? I can't say "hey kiddo, maybe you'd like to wank to this instead? Love you!!"

I guess I just tell him to be mindful of what he watches and hope he finds healthy stuff?

It's really hard not to overstep isn't it but then again I don't want him to have problems enjoying sex because he's co ditiobed hinself inadvertently to only find porn stuff arousing. I was planning on just shoving it in his suitcase when he goes off to school. By the time I see him agsin hopefully the initial shock would have worn off. Or maybe I can just talk my husband into doing the dirty work. Would that be less bad? I would have died if my mother had given me a porn mag at that age but maybe it's different with boys.