Men who destroy their families - help me understand

[missymisdemeanor]

I have NC for this. A young woman I worked with took her life a few weeks ago. The investigations are now complete and the Police have discovered that she was subject to long term sexual, verbal and emotional abuse from her father. There were thousands of abusive emails and text messages. She died in a very violent and horrific way and it is difficult to process the mindset she must have been in.

I work with children and I know so many families that have been ruined by men. So many women and children's lives destroyed. I feel so angry. For years I have had this funny quip where when someone says 'not all men are like that' (NAMALT) I reply 'you're right, but all the people like that are men' (APLTAM).

How can I make sense of the experiences of families I know that have been destroyed by men having affairs, being violent/aggressive/controlling, gambling/drink problems, abandoning the family to 'find themselves'? So much narcism and selfishness, entitlement, anger, vengeful hatred and destruction.

Please can someone recommend any reading material? My thinking is jumbled and I need to sort my head out. I work with many fantastic men, have a loving DH and fantastic DS who sometimes wonders aloud if I am sexist :( (but he does understand), maybe I am. I can't reconcile my anger. If any wise women are out there please help. I suspect it's my age - layers and layers of experience forming patterns in my brain over 4 decades. Any advice?

Thank you for all you do, @missisdemeanour It sounds like a tough row to hoe.

But you can talk to the Samaritans, just to talk it through.

Sadly, I’ve found I just get used to the crap that toxic masculinity visits on us all.

Please find a supportive network ie women's centre, a charity... You don't have to talk about this specific problem, but just being around supportive women will be so restorative.

Sorry for over use of word "supportive' can't think of another word.

Thank you

Maybe you could have a restorative break at Horton in Ribblesdale Women's Holiday Centre

www.hortonwhc.org.uk/

I highly recommend you find a supervisor. I see mine for 1.5 hours face to face supervision once a month, I have to pay, but it is money well spent. And she is always at the end of the phone if something comes up and I need a debrief or advice wrt child protection and the law. She is a mentor, confidante, voice of experience and is bound by confidentiality. She keeps me safe in my client work.

Paying for supervision is essential for my self care and helps me not take my work home with me. Working with people who have gone through trauma comes with its risks. A good supervisor helps mitigate these risks.

I don't know, the older I get the more I learn, the angrier I get. I have no answers but I'm sorry for your loss

Please find a supportive network ie women's centre, a charity... You don't have to talk about this specific problem, but just being around supportive women will be so restorative.

Sorry for over use of word "supportive' can't think of another word.

I'm the opposite, the older I get and more importantly, the more I learn, the more I realise how complex the family system and the human psyche are. There are no easy solutions.

I remember when WA opened a refuge in my city. I thought that's it, the battered women around me have somewhere to go, so there will be no more DV. They and their children can live without these awful men and be safe. I thought the same thing about child abuse when Child line was launched. 3 decades later and while things have got better we are not even close to eradicating these blights. And part of it is willful ignorance by well meaning people.

Sorry for double post

It can be very very hard to be exposed to abuse - even in a third person manner.
I can understand how you feel as I have felt in too - I work in the very niche often untouched part of domestic abuse.
Getting people from their abuser to safety, something sadly lacking in many countries and even in the UK to an extent (I do work outside of the UK, too). I also help them engage with services after; then my job is done unless they wish to get in touch.
It can be horrifying. Especially when you can't empathise or understand what's going on and anyones instinct is to just bundle a Dv victim up and carry them away from it all. It doesn't work like that, though (rightly so). You're probably finding yourself asking why, why does this happen?

May I suggest you seek some counselling? It's beneficial. You're not a therapist but you need to look after your own mind. You are no use to anybody if you have a breakdown.

I woke up feeling really really terrible this morning. My kids could see I was loosing it and their kindness has been healing. You are all right. I need some support. I will research options. Thank you

missy