Interesting, can it go back to how it should be

[BrownTurkey]

(For context, great relationship, getting closer, kids growing up, fairly equal normal domestic split of chores. I remember when we first hosted Christmas we used to plan together and split the cooking etc)

I had the full set this Christmas:

(Before) 'we can all share the load'
(During) 'what can I do'
(During - while I was in tears for an unrelated reason) 'do YOU have (special xyz for normal domestic task there should be no reason I have a special interest or knowledge in) - okay, I only asked'
(After) 'YOU worked so hard, it was all amazing'.

And finally in a reflective mood dh said 'you really should just say what the problem is though, don't just get cross'.

I actually managed to explain to him the whole thing - how I don't want to always be the one put in the position of nagging/dictating, the mental load, that I don't want to be the only one setting chores for DC as though they are all 'helping ME out', that hosting and domestic tasks are not in fact my sphere or primary interest, the fact that I have got really good at it by doing it so much, the fact that I think we generally have a pretty equal relationship so why is it that after the last few days I feel I am in the 1950s. I didn't mention the fact that because my said was being really helpful, he sat back and did less of the things he would do.

I think he got it, actually.

And we have more hosting and NYE to go, so maybe there is a chance here. Please please let there be a chance here. I do not want to be either this resentful OR surrendered into our later years.

I hope so op.

Although there are many inequalities in my relationship, I do benefit from a Dh who is so very good motivated that he likes to take over on Xmas day . I must say as I was out of the loop - although had planned food lists I'd not bought it - I found it hard to be a team, but also my fil tends to like to cook too so I just did the gravy.

I get annoyed at fil though. Mil said in the summer she'd never known him to touch a dishwasher in her life. He commented jokingly that if there's a dish washer to fill, she'll fill it (and to be fair, it's hard to beat her to it).

But I know when he was working, she cooked and washed up. He never helped. Then when retired he took over the cooking - fair enough but sometimes I suspect he does that as really it's the more interesting part, you get the praise, then you get to put your feet up while others (mil) does the unpleasant bit.

I only asked

I think this is such perniciously damaging phrases.

I only asked...because

• this is your job really, so you ought to explain it to me
• because I don't want to do the thinking
• because I want you to do the thinking
• because this is a bit beneath me and I don't ever give it head room
• because I know you've already worked out what needs doing so I don't have to
• and if you get cross because I have "only asked" seventy five times before and failed to retain the answer from the "only asking", then getting cross is unreasonable.

I hate "I'm only asking" with the fire of a thousand suns. DO NOT ASK. FUCKING WELL THINK LIKE I HAVE TO DO.

I feel your pain, OP. I know it's not AIBU, but YANBU.

I think he got it, actually

Good luck.