Girly Christmas presents

[DamsonGin]

At the risk of sounding tremendously ungrateful, DH's lovely family have once again for me girly things for Christmas while he's got interesting things. We're very much equal in interests and I'd much rather tramp across the hills than have a manicure (and they know this), how do I politely change this for the future or do I just need to accept it?

It shouldn't get to me but it has, though possibly because other things have lately.

They probably gave you something they'd consider as a nice present for themselves, they want you to have the same. Don't think it can be changed.

I think that's it, meant with kindness but unlikely to even make it out of the box. If nothing else it feels like, in these absence of knowing what I'd go for, they've defaulted to the 'girls like smelling and looking nice and boys like practical and brainy things' model. Maybe I should prime DH if they ask for suggestions next year, I'd quite like a little penknife or (inexpensive) binoculars as it goes.

And if not and if can't be changed, I'll just accept it as it is.

I think it's worth priming DH with some ideas - people do default to what they would like themselves in the absence of any other ideas. A lot of people don't have very much imagination.

That said, I asked my SIL what I could get small niece for her birthday and she specifically directed me to the pink girls' Lego, grrrr. So I didn't ask for Christmas and got some lovely gender neutral emergency services Playmobile stuff, which is basically doing the same thing as happened to you but in reverses. Bad auntie.

I suppose there is a question about how girly is girly? I prefer to receive books and/or things that relate to my particular interests. On the other hand I can cope with stuff like Lush soap. (Perfume or fussy 'feminine' jewellery would feel a bit of a waste. Perhaps if the gifts are really expensive but utterly unusuable it is worth a heavy hint next year, 'I still haven't used all that lovely perfume - because it's not something I put on that much. But if you're looking for ideas some thermal underwear for my next ski-ing holiday would be a fantastic present.'

At the risk of sounding tremendously ungrateful, DH's lovely family have once again for me girly things for Christmas while he's got interesting things

It is a pity you got a present you didn't like. However it is a bit of a reinforcement of stereotypes to divide gifts in to the categories of "girly" and "interesting" as if one is the opposite of the other.

I agree with lass.

Well girly gifts are probably perfume/make-up/jewellery/scented candles/ornaments/cute stationery. They're decorative

I wouldn't regard say a chopping board or a good cooking knife as 'girly' even if women sometimes do a lot of the family cooking.

I'd think of an interesting gift as an active/useful/functional one. Something that corresponds with a person's interests.

So if you're not terribly interested in interior decorating or decorating your own body 'girly' gifts are likely to seem boring...

I think maybe that's why I quite like soap. It's a bit girly but it is also useful!

Sadly the generic "girly" gifts (often smellies) are really dull. Interesting stuff isn't just for men, but it sometimes feels like it.

My elderly father in law got a stocking of generic 'boy' gifts at his care home this morning. There were dark face flannels, dark socks, some shower gel, some Lynx aftershave type stuff, and also a Cadbury's gift set.

It was a lovely thought of the care home staff. My father in law who has dementia enjoyed taking the wrapping paper off the gifts. We had to explain to him what the face flannels were, as he'd forgotten them. They are actually all quite useful in that when you have very little and don't go shopping, the people who do his personal care will have the relevant toiletries to hand.

Any gift is only interesting if it is interesting to the recipient.

The OP however described the gifts as "girly" for her and the non-girly ones her hysband got as "interesting". The antonym of interesting is boring or uninteresting- not girly- no matter how much the OP dislikes her present.

Sadly the generic "girly" gifts (often smellies) are really dull. Interesting stuff isn't just for men, but it sometimes feels like it

No, they are not "really dull" - you merely don't like them because you find them dull.

One of my son's present from me was a large bottle of his favourite (and extremely expensive which he can't afford to buy) eau de cologne.

Dismissing anything you think of as "girly" as having no merit is sexist.

How long have you been together?

How close are you / he to his family?

It’s a difficult one, PIL have stopped buying me presents as they say they find me hard to buy for. We are very close and they are right, for some reason they never seem to pick something I’d like so we’ve just sorted it so there’s no presents and no awkwardness. Generally they offer babysitting instead which is an amazing present!

Took a couple of years of awkwardness before coming to this arrangement though.

I don't dismiss anything I think of as girly as having no merit. It's the other people who seem to think a load of dull stuff is of interest to women in general. I only know what "girly" gifts are as they are the stuff you get given as a generic women's gift when people don't know you.

Sorry, your quite right Lass, I shouldn't just dismiss things as not interesting just because I consider them girly.

They are however not very interesting to me, and we've been together for over two decades so I'd hope they'd have noticed. And it was perfume and smellies, I might just have to get DH to plant ideas a bit more effectively. We're not geographically close, I'd love babysitting if we were.

Two decades and they are still getting you generic presents?!

Sounds like a lost cause tbh

Might just have to accept that. A fine whisky from DB is helping.

Just regift them or donate them to your local refuge or food bank. Someone out there will be thrilled to bits with them

I feel your pain though. I am apparently 'difficult to buy for' even though I give loads of suggestions when I'm asked what I'd like.
I just decided a couple of years ago to stop fretting if I don't like a present and regift or donate it as soon as possible while it's still nice and new looking. You get the warm glow of giving and avoid the feeling of resentment every time you catch sight of it gathering dust on top of the wardrobe.

I do feel that some gifts for women are 'inward' and 'passive' (to do with the body) while gifts for men are 'active' and 'outward' (or to do with the mind).

I accept that adorning and/or pampering oneself and/or decorating one's home are 'interests'.

Perhaps most of us of whatever gender have a mixture of passive/body and active/mind characteristice.

On occasion I enjoy a luxurious bath. Perfume is useful for those days when I am in a rush to get to work and belatedly realise my shirt could have gone in the wash, but it is too late to find something else. Once in a blue moon I wear ear-rings. (Usually on a day when I've forgotten to wash my hair and tie my hair back so its unwashedness is less noticeable. The earrings make me look a bit less severe.) Re ornamental/household stuff, the only things I might really like would be high end cookware or the kind of painting/prints that would involve somebody having very detailed knowledge of my tastes and a large budget.

But active and/or intellectual stuff is more likely to go down well. Books or gadgets to do with walking are much more likely to be appreciated.

I think now and then there is a sense that gift-givers are trying to say 'Well you might not seem very girly to me, but you are a girl and I want you to embrace your inner girliness so here is delightful gift selection of scented cosmetics.'

Which can be a bit frustrating - despite the possibility of regifting the item to someone who might appreciate it.

I hate this. My colleague who I've worked with for a decade and who knows me so well got me a secret Santa present last year of (revolting) smellies. I was more disappointed that he was so lazy to just get a woman stuff that smells, knowing me well and knowing there's about a million other things I'd rather have

I have always received generic toiletries and candles from extended family. Over the last few years I have dropped lots of subtle hints about how much I like receiving a bottle of wine for a present (yes, it’s a bit uninteresting but at least I know it will be put to good use and not stay at the back of a cupboard for years!). It appears to have worked this year because I am currently staring at a pile of six gifted bottles of alcoholic beverages.

I was also recently successful in persuading the organisers of a prizegiving event in which I am involved to stop giving the women flowers and the men bottles of champagne. This year everybody got booze.

I’m not really an alcoholic...

Lass is correct that the description of things as "girly" vs "interesting" is sexist, and is a real problem with deep internalised misogyny which I recognise from myself, my parents brought me up to consider anything that is gendered male as good and anything "girly" as "crap". I have to work really hard with my own kids not to sneer at pink plastic. I find it quite difficult. It's doable though.

I find it really depressing that you get all this stuff that you don't like every year. Loads of people do this - default to gendered norms all the time even when confronted with constant reminders that a. most people don't adhere to gender norms all the time with everything and b. the particular person they are buying for really doesn't like that stuff.

My DH family always ask for a list, can you just tell them some ideas or would that go down badly. Or, would they just ignore them and get you bath bombs

People who don’t know you well want to buy you something consumable / that will be used up or worn out. Gender norms dictate that that is smellies for women and alcohol or socks for men.

I suspect if you drop hints about wine, or liking a certain brand of socks, you might have success changing their ways.

But dropping hints about hobbies hoping for stuff relevant to the hobby sounds like harder work for them with more potential to go wrong, so unlikely to impact.

@Batteriesallgone People who don’t know you well...

It's been twenty years!

Yeah exactly - if they don’t know her well by now they’re never going to!!