Explaining my gender criticalness to recently out trans friend

[Albadross]

A colleague emailed me today to say he’d seen my recent tweets that are critical of trans activism and was nervous to tell me something because he didn’t want it to affect our friendship. I’ve never actually met him, but we’ve spoken on the phone so it is a little odd that he phrased it like that. He says he needs to learn more and I don’t think he’s part of the trans lobby so how do I explain things in a way that won’t make him feel like I’m questioning his feelings about himself?

Argh!

@datun I think I could just conveniently forget to respond fairly easily. The thing that’s bothering me is that I feel we can only start shifting through all of this through open dialogue with those with whom we disagree. You can’t do that with most of the trans lobby but maybe I could have a good chat with him.

I don’t know if he’s gay or if he’s ever been married, my sense is that he’s similar in age to me (37) but possibly a bit younger.

The autism thing as you say is also tricky because I’ve had both disastrous failures and spectacular success in forging relationships under difficult circumstances, so it’s really just the work angle adding complexity. He seems to be an oversharer and clearly sees me as a confidante because from the start his emails were not formal or professional sounding at all. That’s where I start to get confused about intentions.

Oneflew it’s not that I feel I owe him, but sending a trans person off to read about this stuff online could be worse than having someone with experience you trust (and I mean the area I work in involves very personal stuff and I’m sort of an expert in that field) explaining that being gender critical doesn’t mean being transphobic etc. Being able to say why this matters to me personally because of experiences I’ve had might make it less anti-trans. It’s just part of who I am to always take on the difficult stuff.

Holding back from that feels like defeat.

I hear your frustration Albadross and, completely understandable, desire to get your point across.

People are very wary of engaging, particularly around work, because transactivists’ modus operandi is to attack. And, although, there are transpeople with whom you can definitely talk (i.e. some on here), they do seem fairly thin on the ground.

His ‘over sharing’ might be tempting you as well. Maybe you can sense a need and you want to provide something. Which, of course, is lovely of you, but it does make you vulnerable.

Maybe sleep on it for a day or two? Sometimes these things become clearer after a little distance.

Either way, I would make up my mind to only talk very superficially.

Also, I’m a little wary of needy people. It’s quite hard to extricate yourself once you’re committed.

I’m a little wary of needy people. It’s quite hard to extricate yourself once you’re committed.
Yy
Additionally I think there is evidence that personality disorders are common with transpeople I seem to recall. It is treacherous. .. you are flavour of the month until they turn against you. And they often do sweet, defenceless, pitiful and sort of over-familiar as a 'way in' to others. A bit like Eve from All About Eve when she is all rain-soaked and full of false humility.

I think you should only interact with him within a context of very clear boundaries. Prevention is better than cure.

That’s the context right there - I have BPD (although I’ve mostly got it controlled with age) and because that’s the reason I can do my job (sorry I realise this is a very odd way to express it but still trying to not quite say what I do!) people often feel they can share with me. I’m not really in a position to judge them.

I've got a very similar situation in terms of the oversharing and request for friendship. Not a colleague though and he doesn't know my name or anything personal. I'm very wary and wondering what he thinks he's up to. I'm mindful of this: twitter.com/4th_wavenow/status/914833651732533250

Ereshkigal

Blimey! That Twitter thread.

I hope they direct people here.

I know! Have you come across that guy? He is one to avoid.

I’m not really in a position to judge them

There's a difference between not judging people and allowing them to cross your boundaries. You can protect yourself and be kind at the same time.

An aside - in my experience people can manage BPD pretty well, its PDs like NPD that require extreme caution.

Ereshkigal
That thread is really troubling. I have seen a few MRA/TRA/SWRA comments like that where they have this way of speaking about radical feminists like vermin that need to be hunted and eradicated. Not dissimilar to ISIS supporters wanting to eradicate the 'infidel'.

It is a very ugly side of human nature - getting out the pitchforks and getting high on ganging up on their target.

The guy in question is utterly unhinged. He recently had his main account banned for this stuff, after Speakers Corner.

Oh my god - that's terrifying...

I'm extremely vulnerable to this kind of plotting, I've been a target endless times in the past by some truly sick individuals. I've stood up for a lot of causes in my time and I've never felt afraid that my beliefs would put me in danger

Albadross and a hug.

Try not to get too worried. We don't know he's out to manipulate you - he may just be "evangelical" about converting you to the cause. But you've spotted that there was something about the situation making you uncomfortable (big tick there!), you've taken advice and you now (hopefully) have some non-confrontational strategies to avoid being drawn into the situation further - just keep with the "I try to keep my personal views and professional life separate" and rinse and repeat, while gently disengaging.

Thanks Prickly - I'm feeling particularly pissed off about being silenced today (see my other thread) but I realise I'm only winding myself up trying to educate people! God knows how prominent radfems deal with it.

Just saw your other thread - OMFG! That man isn't just mansplaining, he's dangerous.

Albadross

Thanks Guardian. Someone else was moaning about being called a 'male-feminist' when females are just called 'feminist'. Brought me full circle back to the trans-debate! Ugh.

Did you meet up?