Failing mum - feminist principles not helping

[lhbeatty]

Hi. So I am failing as a mum. I have two children, DD 4 years and DS 10 months. My house and children are not clean enough; are not fed enough healthy food; and are not well behaved enough (re the 4 year old). My parents have told me they do not approve of the 'way I am living'. They think I am raising three children i.e. my husband too. Apart from the fact I feel like I rarely sit down and I am trying my best, one of the problems is that my husband is just not very tidy. I feel like I can either a) nag or b) do it myself. I do not want to nag (which has been my strategy to date and is not working), but I don't see why I should be doing more of the work than him. I also really don't want our children to see a big gender imbalance. So when I can sit down - and he is sitting down - I will just sit there and do not do the housework which needs done. Help!

Well if my daughter appeared to be struggling with the basics of life when she had a baby I'd probably assume some PND and start visiting more often and taking on some of the housework rather than criticising her. So I don't think they are being entirely helpful. But are you really struggling with the basics or is your house just not to your mother's standards? If it's the later then ignore. If it's the former ask for some help.

There also seems to be an issue with your husband and how much he is doing. Have you told him he needs to do more? What does he say to that. Do you both work or is he FT and you are PT. Or are you still on maternity? How much can you outsource? Can you afford a cleaner/au pair/gardener etc? You need to have a practical discussion about how the work is split now you have 2 children. It's not nagging, it's teamwork (or Wifework - read the book).

Say to him that you both need to work as a team to run the house, work isnt finished when you step in through the door. Suggest paying a cleaner and laundry service. If he says you cant afford it then explain you both need to do an hour every night to get on top of it.

OP, one poster on here once outlined a brilliant strategy for dealing with her husband. His particular infuriating trait was to leave half finished mugs of tea on counters and tables instead of putting them in the dishwasher. She sat him down and said "You can choose to keep doing this, I'm not going to nag. But every single time you do it, I would like you to say out loud 'Fuck you, wife, this is your job'. Because that's what your behaviour is saying to me when you do this." He finally realised what was wrong with his behaviour and stopped doing it.

It struck me as a brilliant way of getting across the problem in a way that he couldn't dismiss with that age-old misogynistic word, "nag". It's the tacit assumption that marriage is a hierarchy with the woman at the bottom, rather than a partnership where, say, mismatches in standards of cleanliness are dealt with by grown-up negotiation.

Feminist principles are unfortunately not a magic wand for male entitled laziness.

Firstly ignore your parents. It has fuck all to do with them.

Secondly explain to your husband that you will no longer be his skivvy and he needs to clean his own fucking mess or you will both live in filth. If he wants to get a cleaner in that his look out but he can organise it.

Many women aren't 'house trained' as young people they still learn to "see dirt". Men don't because they don't hve to and society doesn't expect them to

ihbeatty firstly and hugs. I seriously doubt you are failing as a Mum. It sounds like you love your children enough to think about how clean they are and to consider if what they eat is healthy. The love is the main thing - really if the house and kids are a bit grubby so what? Your DH needs to step up and act like an adult though, they're his kids too. I would say you are being a bit of a feminist already for not simply doing everything. If he's sitting there doing nothing of an evening what message does it send the kids if you're running around like a blue assed fly? Well done for sitting down too, maybe take that chance to talk about how he needs to contribute to the housework too and that you're supposed to be a team. Nagging is just asking repeatedly, it only becomes nagging if the other person needs to be asked multiple times - if they do are you really a team?

I'm in a similar situation - no family help, 9 month old and older child. It's tough with a baby. Have had a chat with my DH and he is stepping up - we are much more of a team than we were and he is more aware of all the mental load type work I do (shopping, meal plan, bills etc). Go easy on yourself. PM me if you want to chat......

Maybe ask your DH if he'd like DDs future husband to do the amount of housework he's doing too. That might get him to look at his actions in a different light.

pricklyball - totally love it! Very clever and so true.

Did you read the OP, Indiana? She wants equal participation in the shitwork by her partner, thus giving her equal time off to sit down when he sits down.

Indiana if the whole world operated on feminist principle the OP wouldn't have this problem: her DP would be pulling his freight.

Or even his weight

"Indiana if the whole world operated on feminist principle the OP wouldn't have this problem: her DP would be pulling his freight."

Again, what's it got to do with feminism. He's probably not helping around the house like many people, because he's bone idol lazy and not because he's a man.

But markedly more men than women are bone idle around the house, probably because they are not brought up in a society that sees doing stuff around the house as men's work.

Yup.

DH is staggeringly good at ignoring mess.
So am I.
But somewhere in the back of my mind is that little voice saying 'A good mother wouldn't let the house get into this state.'

DH does not have an equivalent little voice nagging at the back of his mind. I know this because I've asked him. What he has, instead, is a slightly smug sense of 'Aren't I good, doing so much more than quite a few fathers I could name?'

S'not fair. I want to feel smug for doing inadequate housework too!

Thanks everyone for advise. Pricklyballs - that is the best suggestion I have ever heard!

Sorry if I wasn't clear in the first post. My point was, if I didn't care about equality, then I would just do the work when it bothered me and would not expect my husband to do his share. But I do care about equity. Lancelottie - that is exactly how I feel! In a way my feminist principles are actually making my life harder, because I see the unfairness.

In a way my feminist principles are actually making my life harder, because I see the unfairness.

I can empathise with this in the sense that I think things would be easier if I was unaware of feminism, as I'd just accept the unfairness, sexism and so forth which are inherent in society as it is or perhaps just not see it at all. However, I think it's vital as many of us are aware as possible. You seeing it will be good in the long run as your children will see things being equal at home, and have a mother who raises them aware of sexism and these issues. I think a lot of the reasons why women so often end up doing the bulk of the work at home no matter the circumstances may stem from many seeing mothers doing it no matter what. You expecting your husband to do his fair share as you should will be good for your children I think, as well as yourself.

OP - DD told us this evening that she doesn't want to get married when she grows up ,because she doesn't want to have to do everyone's laundry... DH and I need to have a proper chat: I'm a SAHM at the moment, but seem to be doing a bit more than would seem to be fair, and obviously the DC are picking up some really really unhelpful messages...

I completely empathise but could not let my kids suffer for principles. Make sure they are properly clean and fed it's the minimum. Get seperate wash baskets for dh, don't cook for him, anything he leaves around house chuck in his car in a pile!