What do you think of self proclaimed 'nice guys'?

[TitaniasCloset]

I have been messaging a self proclaimed nice guy recently because I'm trying to step outside of the box with relationships and try something different and go for a 'normal' bloke, outside of my religious group, and just different really, if you get me?

A few times recently I have noticed online he gets into arguments with feminists where he is trying his best to tell them what a nice guy he is even if it has nothing to do with the discussion. He keeps saying women don't go for the nice guys etc I put this down to hey, just not very bright, but what is your opinion on this?

He also briefly told me his ex was abusive to him and is a very angry person, and I have to say he does seem like a great dad.

I'm just not sure how to see all of this really. I wanted other women's perspectives. He is incredibly soppy and sentimental which I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with and also far more into me than I am him. But that's why I'm staying in touch, I want something different. Also I have been on my own for a really long time and have lost confidence in myself especially my sexuality, if that helps to know.

This sounds like an aibu or relationship thread, but it's the nice guy dynamic I want opinions on specifically and whatever else you want to chuck in there!

He knows I'm from a religious background but I'm struggling with that right now. The men from my religion piss me off and I'm a bit confused, but wanting to be myself.

My ex was always saying what a 'nice guy' he was to anyone who would listen. The truth is he is a very, very violent person. I put up with two years of mental and physical abuse from him and our relationship ended with him breaking into my house and attacking me. It's not just me he was violent to either, every one of his exes got the same treatment. He's also when drunk just randomly attacked people in the street. But still he has to keep telling people how much of a nice guy he is and sadly a lot of people believe him as he's such a charmer I would be extremely cautious with anyone who had to proclaim what a nice guy they were I'm afraid.

Also, do you want to go out with someone nice? If that's the best you can possibly say about yourself, there's little to you.

You'd describe a person as "nice" if you didn't care much for them but had only pleasant but distant interactions with them so far.

Nice guys believe women owe them - sex, a relationship , etc - and when the women don't comply you quickly see how not nice they are

In my experience they tend to be creepy Beta males that struggle to attract women , are inwardly misogynistic whilst outwardly claim 'Id treat her like a princess'. 'Id never hurt you like your ex' whilst simultaneously sending some feminist a rape threat online

Run away.

Self proclaimed nice guys that is of course

Why can't he just chill out and be himself, instead of having to be a Nice Guy?

I think you're making the mistake of assuming nice guys have to be a bit wet / soppy / sentimental / needy / full-on / devoted.

Nice guys don't have to be any of these things.

They can also be funny, edgy, confident, assertive, sexy, independent ... the list goes on. These ^^ sorts of nice guys are way better.

Just going to echo what most of the other posters have said.

Red flag.

Just been through something with someone like this. From the word go, he claimed to be a nice guy. I can tell you with 100% certainty that he is most definitely not a nice guy at all.

Abusive, controlling and manipulative is what he should be saying to others, instead of that he is nice.

OP, you seem to be in the place I was, afraid to say what you want/need to in fear that you hurt his feelings. He isn't going to care about your feelings a few months down the line when you find out he isn't so nice after all. Of course his ex was abusive to him, he couldn't possibly go around telling everyone that she was most likely at the end of her tether, and was possibly defending herself.

Samoye so sorry. Oh yes, the charming part. Another trait that make them out to be nice.

If someone is nice, you decide it for yourself. You don't have to be told they are nice. Already controlling by telling everyone he is.

Think about the people you know who'd you'd describe as a 'nice guy' - do you know enough about them for a relationship? Because when I think about it, the only times I'd describe someone like that is because I either don't know anything about them (ie. a colleague in a different department 'seems a nice guy'), or I was avoiding saying something else (eg. the guy at the bar being rude 'is normally a nice guy').

The men I know, the men I've had relationships, I have far more words to describe.

'Nice guy' is either because you don't know, or there's something else you don't want to say - and since he presumably knows himself, it must be because he doesn't want to say something else

Surely if they were actually nice, you wouldnt have to be told?

Anyone who calls themselves nice needs staying away from IMHO.

I remember being told off in secondary school English lessons for using the word 'nice' - so I can't say it is in my vocab these days.

I think of myself as a 'nice guy' but couldn't imagine a circumstance of saying it - it just sounds so wrong, and too drippy for me, with just a hint of serial killer.

the men from my religion tell me to piss off

What religion is this? I'm shocked. Do you think that your background is giving you low self-esteem in your relationships?

I used to be a 'nice guy', in the sense of the girls I asked out all saying "you're such a nice guy, but...'

I worked on the 'but' and became the kind of guy they actually wanted to date. I didn't blame them for their preferences, or get angry I couldn't have relationships purely on my own terms.

Truth is, a lot of those who are regarded as the odious Self-Identifying Nice Guys(TM) are not bad people, but just not good at recognising when they need to balance their individuality with the needs of others. This doesn't tend to make them great at relationships, though, and it is likely that he'll have selfish behaviours that he isn't capable of recognising as such. Dating outside your usual expectations sounds like a brave and interesting move, but it may be wise to be cautious about this particular individual and leave yourself some space for a retreat.

Oh he's a red piller 100%

Get rid

A few times recently I have noticed online he gets into arguments with feminists where he is trying his best to tell them what a nice guy he is even if it has nothing to do with the discussion. He keeps saying women don't go for the nice guys etc I put this down to hey, just not very bright, but what is your opinion on this?

Going online and derailing discussions between feminists means he has a problem with women discussing things and having their own opinions. Avoid.

Talk to other people online, I bet he is. He told you himself he has anger management problems and is not being 'nice' to other women online.

Here's a whole load of articles about Nice Guys from a site that first got me into feminism in a big way.

www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/niceguys/ng.shtml

I work with offenders and the one thing I can quote pretty much everyone will say is 'Im just being honest!'. I tell them over and over that if they are being honest they don't need to keep confirming it and their honesty will come through naturally in their words and actions.

The same can be said for those who claim 'I'm a nice guy'.

Truth is, a lot of those who are regarded as the odious Self-Identifying Nice Guys(TM) are not bad people, but just not good at recognising when they need to balance their individuality with the needs of others.

This is your [male] opinion, not the truth.

Also anyone being a self proclaimed character type is a bit of a bellend.

Those who tell you they're 'eccentric' or a 'bit of a weirdo' or post rubbish on fb stating things like 'I tried to be normal but it didn't suit me'.
All bellends!
If you have to work that hard to get people to see you as something, you're clearly not it!

women don't go for the nice guys

I wouldn't want to be with someone who has this opinion of women.

Keeps talking about wanting snuggles

Well that in itself would be enough for me to ditch him.

I put this down to hey, just not very bright

Do you want to be with someone who is not very bright? Even your most generous interpretation of his words doesn't leave me with the impression that you actually fancy or like or respect him that much.

Thank you. I think I need to draw back from this. I'm not quite sure how though

Oh gosh is that a sign he has already manipulated me? That I'm scared to say sorry this isn't going to work? That I'm so concerned about hurting his feelings?

I do not think he has not manipulated you. You are projecting your own views on to this.

I agree with Trills. You clearly don't like him or fancy him and seem to have nothing in common with him. Your only interest in him seems to be you haven't had sex for a while and he will do for that.

It's OK for you to just not like him that much.

You don't even need explicit "red flags".

(there are plenty of them, but you don't need them)

If you say you're a nice guy, that immediately negates the possibility of you being one