How do you reconcile your beliefs with the differing beliefs of those close to you?

[Splandy]

This has been playing on my mind a lot for some years, really. I would say that I'm very close to my family but our views are totally opposed. I don't always know how to deal with this. I mostly just try to avoid any sort of discussion which will be uncomfortable but then I wonder whether I'm being a coward. I think it bothers me so much because I don't have a single friend who shares my views, so the fact that I see quite a lot of them with no other people balancing it out means the issue is magnified. I'm not a confrontational person by nature and don't wish to have difficult conversations with people or become some kind of feminist evangelist. Some things from my childhood make me uncomfortable, but I suppose they're no longer relevant and there are reasons for some things. My parents are absolutely brilliant and devoted grandparents and I know they would be there at the drop of a hat if I needed them. They've shown it time and time again.

And yet I still often feel angry and dwell quite a lot on fairly small things. I am a feminist and I see everything through a feminist lens. They are what I would call fundamentalist christians with views I find pretty abhorrent and they often can't defend. I remember growing up with a poster on our kitchen wall saying 'abortion kills' and a picture of a foetus, I think with some text talking about how it was murdering a baby. My mom has vaguely mentioned abortion a few times over the years. I might make a very small comment but mostly try not to discuss it as I can't see it ending well at all. They see me as confrontational and I think they believe I do things to intentionally be controversial. The things I do are not at all controversial but they are quite prudish and old fashioned. My mom is only in her late forties so I don't think it is generational. I don't think they even realise I'm a feminist which makes me feel that I am misrepresenting myself and letting myself down.

I know how silly this all sounds and I think it is probably wrapped up in our family dynamic which I'm not always comfortable with, so react more angrily and defensively than I would with other people. This is why I largely avoid any topic which could lead to disagreements and don't share my opinions. Is this how other people deal with this? It makes me sad.

Its not silly, I do the same as you. We aren't alone. We submerge ourselves for the comfort of others, for a quiet life, to keep contact with family who dont know or understand us.
My family only realised I'm a radical feminist in the last few weeks, and they were horrified. I had to start by explaining the term 'radical' feminist. They associated the word with terrorism because thats what they've been told it means.
They don't really get it. Events over the last few days have woken them up a bit. But its all a bit abstract to them.

Family: nothing. They are who they are. I challenge lots of stuff, i let lots of stuff go.

Friends: we mostly thing alike or on the same lines. I have distanced myself from some friends who worship at the cock alter.

Pretty much the same as Conyo.

I don't really see much of my family, as they can't be arsed to come and visit or call or reply to emails, so, fuck em.

My friends tend to be close: so we share a lot of the same views about things, even as we come at them from different angles or acquaintances: fun to do stuff with, don't really talk in depth about anything.

I had to dump a few friends after the Brexit vote, not just because they voted differently to me, but because their reasons for doing so showed me that they weren't the personas they had carefully constructed. A couple of them I was really shocked by and am still mourning the end of the friendship, but after things they said, there's no going back.

I think the issue probably is that I don't have any friends with similar views. I see a lot of my family so it's not like some distant relative I can tolerate once a year at Christmas. They're very involved in my life. we even went on holiday with them over the summer which they paid for and chose to fit the kids, then drove us there and generally helped me out with them for a week. As I said, they're brilliant grandparents and we definitely are close which is why I feel so uncomfortable with the fact that I spend a lot of the time biting my tongue and feeling annoyed.

A good example is the time I was in the car with my mom and she mentioned that a woman I went to school with was pregnant again. She was obviously judging her (she judges a lot), it is her fifth child, all different dads with the kids moved about from one place to the next, abusive relationships, drugs and social services involvement. She told me that she'd spoken to her mom who said she'd considered an abortion but didn't do it in the end. My mom said 'at least she's got something about her then'. She honestly thought that bringing another child into that situation was the best thing to do. She judges her as scum but at least she wouldn't have an abortion. It doesn't even make sense. I have had an abortion. She doesn't know this. I feel no guilt about it either. I think she probably wouldn't speak to me for a while if she found out.

Another memory from my childhood plays on my mind. I remember my aunt bringing up being gay and how you'd love your children no matter what. My mom refused to say that she would still love me if I was a lesbian. She just kept repeating 'but she's not'. I don't know whether she somehow thought she would be encouraging me to be gay if I heard her say that. I'd like to think they wouldn't have cut me out if I was gay, but I can't know for certain.

Then there's the time my dad basically told me I was a disgusting slag because I stayed over at people's houses most nights, including boys. I was about 18 at the time. The funny thing is I wasn't sleeping with them, I just didn't want to go home because of the atmosphere. It was bloody unbearable. They were extremely controlling in some ways and made me feel ashamed. I couldn't wait to move out. But they let me live there rent free for eighteen months after I had my son and helped us out so much after that. I feel ungrateful for thinking bad things. I convince myself that it's ok and then I remember when my dad slapped me across the face at 18 and chipped my tooth. I pushed him first because I was trying to push him out of the bathroom so I could have a shower. He was shouting at me over a towel on the floor and refusing to leave while I stood there in a towel. It felt threatening and humiliating. But then I pushed him first. Perhaps more to do with them not being perfect than anything to do with my feminism. I just don't know how to think about it all.

You're allowed to be angry at them. You have good reason to be.

That's not the worst of it and I don't know what to do with these memories. They don't really fit with our relationship anymore. I know I'm painting them as horrible abusive arseholes and I don't think they are. I think some of their views are pretty disgusting and they justify it with religion. I don't think they were abusive, just volatile. It took me a while to learn it's not normal to hit your family members during heated arguments. I think it occasionally still happens. My 27 year old sister still lives at home and they shove each other. They both came from incredibly abusive households themselves and were very young when they had me. I suppose those memories and my anger about things in the past aren't really relevant to my feminist views.

Their opinions now are more relevant. I can cope with not bringing up past incidents but I bristle when they make comments which I'm certain they wouldn't have even put any thought into and wouldn't realise I'd find offensive. The sort of thing they'd call political correctness gone mad. I can cope with it from acquaintances but I find it really hurtful when it's my family members. Particularly my dad. I look at him and don't understand how he could stereotype women like that when he has daughters. How could he not see me as a child and realise that I was amazing and female and the rest of the world was wrong? I'm just not sure whether there's anything to gain from even attempting to discus things with them or whether I should continue to avoid anything we're likely to disagree on. It helps to know that other people choose that route too.