Sexist mother

[Snavec]

My mother just told me I should be ironing my husbands shirts, like she does for me dad.

I tried to question her on her logic behind why she thought I should be doing things the same way she does, and tried to explain why we don't do things the way she does, and shut down my opinion with 'oh don't take it so seriously'.

My husband and I both work full time, I usually work longer hours than my husband, we don't have any kids yet, and we don't usually find that our genitals influence how we divide household tasks. I'm frustrated that this is still seen as abnormal and that someone has assumed that I should live my household life in the same way that they live theirs solely on the basis that we are the same sex.

I feel like there was an implication that I should be a 'better wife', as if condescendingly doing your husband's ironing is the way to do that. When he got married he didn't lose his ability to function as an adult!

I'm surprised that my mother can't recognise that I don't have the same life as her - I have a full-time, skilled job, that I enjoy and in my circumstances have no reason to have different roles or responsibilities to my husband. She lived at home until she got married, never enjoyed education,never expressed ambitions to enjoy her work, and as far as I know has never had a full-time job. These are not necessarily bad things in themselves, but I guess I'm just surprised that she doesn't recognize that our lives are different and that the roles she has she not be the same as mine. I'm very frustrated that when I tried to explain this that she tried to belittle me (this is normal behavior for her though).

So the most productive outlet for my anger seems to be to complain to the internet!

Anyone else want to share experience of a sexist mother? Has anyone managed to successfully communicate to someone why this is wrong?

Insecure people tend to see other people doing things differently as a criticism of how they do things. There's no talking to people like that - especially when they shut you down with nonsense about taking things too seriously. I think the only thing you can do is let it wash over you and ignore it.

My mother worked full time while my father stayed at home (not through choice, he was unemployed). My mother still did practically everything around the house. It was a ridiculous situation. When I moved in with DH when he was as student I was working she said I was 'very hard on him' for not washing his clothes. I shut her down pretty fast but I could see that part of the reason she criticised me is because she could see that the years and years of stress and hardship she wen through were unnecessary - my father should have been less of a waste of space. It's partly jealousy and I feel sorry for her because of it. She's backed off now because she knows any attempt to criticise will result in no-holds-barred examination of why things were so shit for her and that's the last thing she wants becajse she's still with with my useless father and still in denial of what a waste of her life it's been (though she does openly admit that she won't retire because she doesn't want to be at home with him all day)

Thanks for your response on this. It has calmed me down slightly to think of it from this perspective. It's also always therapeutic to hear that someone else has experienced the same thing, especially when it's often assumed that mothers and daughters get on.

I think the jealousy aspect does come in to it - she has frequently put mine and my sisters' ambitions down before, and projected assumptions about our lives or behavior onto us in quite bitter and resentful ways.

I feel I definitely developed a skill growing up of 'just letting it pass'. But I feel like this time I need to articulate to her why it wasn't ok to say it. This is partly because the conversation happened in our house (the first time she has ever visited us in our own home). We had a rule growing up (and also now when we visit home) that when we are in her house we have to live by her rules. Not judging people's ambitions, opinions, roles or responsibilities on the basis of their demographic (e.g. Their sex) is something that I would like to enforce in our home. Part of me is definitely feeling smug that I might have an upper hand in the situation , and I want to use that 'leverage' (she brings out the teenager in me!).

Not at all expecting her to want to see it from someone else's point of view though!

It must be exasperating to have that kind of comment made to you by your mother. On the plus side, it's good you and your husband divide household tasks equally, have a happy and functioning home and you have a job you enjoy which challenges you as well. Your husband is of the same mindset as you (as well he should be) and as it's him you live with that matters more - I'm sure he'd find the notion you should iron his shirts risible. At the same time this doesn't negate the annoyance of your mum's attitude but are positives of your situation, hopefully!

My mum always hated housework, and whilst she'd begrudgingly iron a shirt for dad (the night before - no big basket of washing on a sunday - things got ironed as they were needed), all us kids were expected to iron our own school shirts. - I think that set it up for me, it never occurred to me that ironing was a thing.

Contrasts with my MIL, who still irons her husbands shirts, even though he's retired and she isn't - and there have been comments, but they're generally just habit, and she's actually both in awe/happy to see that I and the other daughters in law don't take hassle from her sons on this! I have watched her iron though, and I think there's a passive aggressive lacksidaisical bent to her ironing that suggests that she's only doing it for the quiet life, not because she thinks she should - not that she'd ever admit that :)

"I have watched her iron though, and I think there's a passive aggressive lacksidaisical bent to her ironing that suggests that she's only doing it for the quiet life"

We have ourselves a class A shrink here. Someone who can read people from how theyr iron clothes. Seriously gifted bunch of users on this site.

Why on earth are you hanging around on this site then, @IndianaBones? Surely you can find a better class of poster man on other sites?

He is truly obsessed Assass. Ignore.

Probably wise advice @scurryfunge!