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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Would you ever disown a family member for their messed up thinking?

42 replies

Turquoise0wl · 24/08/2017 15:21

Just want to know if I'm taking this too far.

Thanks Smile

OP posts:
Turquoise0wl · 24/08/2017 16:41

Can I just say she's horrifically racist too... How on earth do I ignore comments when it's every hour of the day?

Simple things like "I didn't bring you up to think like this, you're a failed attempt, thank god I've got your sister" - it literally makes you depressed. She might be my mum, but how on earth do you cope?

OP posts:
IdentifiesAsASloth · 24/08/2017 16:43

You might be better off posting on the relationships board op.

Turquoise0wl · 24/08/2017 16:46

I don't go on at her, I don't know why you've got that impression. I get comments like I've just posted from her day in day out even when I said "this no boys or girls program is really good, you should watch it" and she will reply with what I've just said but maybe slightly altered each time. I can't even speak about anything.

Yeah, sorry... I only posted on here because today's argument was about feminism... I haven't even made a comment by this point, it's her who starts disrespecting people with those views and I'll just say well I agree with them and then she starts being offensive to me! I really don't know how to move on tbh and be happy.

OP posts:
WinterIsComingKnitFaster · 24/08/2017 16:47

I wouldn't disown my mother for anti-feminist views, and probably not for racist views either, though I might gradually disengage.

But the other stuff that's more personal comments about you sound potentially pretty bad. I agree that a long post about your situation on Relationships would get you more helpful responses.

thecatfromjapan · 24/08/2017 16:47

It doesn't make sense because the question (and answer) are far too nuanced for a yes/no answer.

For a start, what, exactly, do you mean by 'disown'? That word has shades of meaning. It's not obvious what you have in mind when you write it. That alone makes a simple answer quite tricky.

Do you mean 'go no contact'? To what extent?

And again, depending on the extremity of what she is saying, and your response to whatever it is, then are other options available, rather than an extreme non-contact?

Are you able to go non-contact?

The fact you are asking a question on a forum also suggests that, actually, your question has an ethical dimension - you really want an ethical judgment as to whether her statements are reasonable and whether your response is reasonable. After all, on a simple pragmatic level, of course you are capable of going non-contact. So that suggests you really want to know how a group of strangers judge what your parent is saying.

Simple answer: try ignoring what she says. If that doesn't work, limit contact through time spent with her. If that doesn't work, decrease contact still further.

More complicated answer: if what she says poses a risk to yourself or others, take further, appropriate action.

IdentifiesAsASloth · 24/08/2017 16:50

I didn't mean that last post to sound snippy, sorry if it came across that way. The relationship board is good for advice on relationships with parents, you might find it helpful.

If I was you I would cut contact down if she irritates you that much. I don't think I would go NC over that issue. That's me though, you are your own person.

thecatfromjapan · 24/08/2017 16:52

OK. I was a bit snippy. I hate oblique posts.

It sounds as though contact damages your self-esteem. How about just limiting contact?

What will help is recognising - really recognising - that you really don't need your mother's approval for self-validation. That is vey hard. It will come as you consciously disengage, reflect on the fact that she is just a limited person, with her own aims and wants and desires, and that you are a separate, valid person.

It takes time - because I guess we all want our mother to give us approval and acceptance.

Sometimes, that isn't the case, however.

thecatfromjapan · 24/08/2017 16:53

Smile I think I agree with sloth.

CeeBeeBee · 24/08/2017 16:57

I wouldn't say that this be disowned one of my family members. It I've stopped following bil on FB and have expressed to mil, film and she that I think he's lost the plot with his very public ranting about the trans ideology.
I have had to undo some of the things that he has said to the dcs about gender identity and how they are not really a girl and a boy because of their anatomy but only when they decide to be.

CeeBeeBee · 24/08/2017 17:03

Op, does she understand why you're a feminist or what it means to you to be one?

PopcornBits · 24/08/2017 17:04

I think people may have jumped down your throats a little because you've given next to no information in your OP.
The best thing to do in this situation is to try not to agitate her any further but getting your views across, it's clear that your mother is the type of woman who's opinion won't change and you cannot try to convince her otherwise.

She isn't going to reason with you and she'll keep putting you down for trying to say that her opinion or comments aren't right.

I suggest that you look into self referring for counselling to talk about how this affects you and makes you feel, they will help you understand your situation so much better. You can google self refer counselling and your area to find the right one to go to, they're usually free and you don't need to pay anything.

Secondly, I would look to move out, or share with a friend if that's feasible? If not then trying to eliminate arguments is your best bet. Grit your teeth and get through it.
It's hard, I've been there, you will come out of the other side.

NoLoveofMine · 24/08/2017 18:18

I'm a year younger than you TurquoiseOwl and I don't think you're being dramatic at all. It would infuriate me if close family members made disparaging comments about feminism to me. I would perhaps stop talking about these things with her and refuse to engage if she's going to be dismissive and not listen to what you have to say - I think that's what I'd do if my parents or brothers were doing what she is.

I think I'd only "disown" family members if they were misogynists or acted in ways which harmed women or girls which I'm very much hoping none ever will do.

NoLoveofMine · 24/08/2017 18:20

Sorry, I'd only read your initial posts on the first page of this thread before posting. Her racism and disparaging comments about feminism are awful but what she's said about you are horrible so I'm not surprised your upset about it. I don't have any decent advice but thoughts are with you and you're certainly doing nothing wrong.

Turquoise0wl · 24/08/2017 18:21

Thanks everyone x

OP posts:
OnlyHereForTheFeminists · 25/08/2017 09:52

Saying that you're a failure and that she prefers your sister is not really related to her views on feminism, it's more about how she views you personally. My MIL is like this with DH and I have seen how damaging it is. I sometimes think it would be better for him to have no contact but he feels too guilty to do that so we just limit it.

If I were you I'd think about all the pros and cons of cutting contact, including how it might affect your relationship with the rest of your family. It is entirely your decision, no adult needs to spend time with someone who makes them feel bad.

VestalVirgin · 25/08/2017 10:21

Have you moved out already?

I'd say, move out first, then see how much contact with her you can deal with. Reduce contact accordingly.

I'd advise you to disown her, actually, this thing about preferring your sister is horrid, but you are very young and might need her help in the future, so perhaps it would be unwise to do anything drastic.

EBearhug · 25/08/2017 13:26

Once you've moved out, it is easier to reduce contact, even if you don't sever ties entirely. And when someone starts on with, "we think...", it's easier to say, "we do not all think that." Fortunately, feminism was about the only area of life where my mother did support me, but there were many other areas where we didn't agree. Over the years, I just learnt to give her only an edited view of my life, and fortnightly was usually often enough. Of course, that was probably easier in the days when you actually had to find physical coins for the phone box...

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