The big differences between your life and your grandmother's life

[Terfing]

I'v been thinking about this a lot recently, just how different my life has been from the lives of my grandmothers. I have been so much more privileged than they were, to the extent that we wouldn't really have anything in common these days.

My dad's mother had 14 children, 10 of whom made it to adulthood, 1 of whom is disabled. From the age of 16, after her marriage, she would have been constantly pregnant and child-rearing. She passed before I was born, but I really admire what a fine job she did with my dad and his siblings. I dion't think I could have coped with her life at all.

My mum's mum had six children, 4 of whom made it to adulthood. One of her dead children had to be buried in Germany as that was where my granddad was working at the time (in the army). Therefore she never got to visit his grave. She had a very poor life as my grandad turned to drink after his army days. My grandmother had to raise the kids, plus do any work she could just to feed and cloth her kids. My mum always jokes that my grandmother's big ambition is life was to have an indoor toilet, nothing more.

I myself am late twenties, no children, with a good life and future ahead of me. I've travelled, been to university, got loads of friends, and have never gone hungry. My life is so far removed from all the negative things which happened to my grandparents, and I know that a lot of this is due to feminism and social change.

Let's not make this thread too negative though! Does anyone else have a huge difference to share?

One DGM was a solicitors clerk in London before her marriage. I think she lived in a house much like mine and lived a life very similar to mine before I had DC except that where she had domestic help (not a lot, they were middle class) I have Miele and Bosch.

Another DGM came from the Valleys. She was going to go to Cardiff university but was forced to give up her place and become a teacher in London when she and her sisters were orphaned. She came into work one morning to find the school had been bombed flat overnight.

But give or take a massive global conflict, their lives seem very recognisable. They had jobs, marriage, education, they travelled on the Tube to work, they had one or two or maybe three children. The only real difference is that they stopped working on marriage. I had umpteen great aunts and although they all worked in their youth as clerks, nurses, teachers, shop assistants, none of that generation worked for pay after they got married. Clearly that's a class thing and other people's grandmas will have worked non-stop for financial reasons.

my paternal grandmother was born in 1898 so actually a Victorian her parents were working class poor but not starving; trained as nurse but worked in munitions factory towards end of WWI married aged 24 to my grandfather who was a yer older they had 4 children my DF being the oldest, she worked at home my GF being a builder but lost business in great depression in 1930's then too poor to allow my father to take his place at grammar school for although he won scholarship they couldn't afford books/uniform after depression they were relatively comfortable built own house she died 2 months before my parents married, aged 70 from cancer, they had a happy family life though poor at the beginning her life was generally ok
my maternal grandmother was about 23 years younger born about the same time as the queen think she was a land girl in WW2 married in 1946 I think my GF had PTSD he was always angry but had a good job so she had washing machine etc once my mother was in school she worked as school secretary and they encouraged my mother so she did get to grammar school one of only 3 in her year out of 60 that passed 11+, she died a few years ago aged 89 had dementia at the end materially her life was fine though my GF was difficult to live with and divorce would have been frowned on then

One of my GM was born into a comfortable life but shortly after her birth her fathered converted to Catholicism and lost everything. She grew up very poor and went on to have two children outside of marriage. She contracted TB and lost one of her legs to it. She worked on farms, rode a motorbike and never married.
My other GM married at 18 and had 14 children 9 living. My GF was a harsh man who drank heavily. He died in his 40s. She cared for her son who had extensive brain damage from a beating at the age of 8 until he died. She forgave the men who did it on her death bed.
Their lives were so difficult yet they both had wonderful senses of humour and kindness.
One of the farms that my GM worked on, the farmers wife would often say how my GM would have loved my DC.

It's really interesting reading all your stories, but I wonder if there was a certain point- maybe post-war where things stopped being so different?

Both my GMs were born in about 1938 and evacuated during WW2, one to the USA. They were each the youngest of 5. I remember most of my great aunts and uncles, they all lived.

Paternal GM married a fisherman and worked as a fishwife and had my dad and aunt in the 60s. From what she says she always worked and she and my GF had a lovely relationship. I remember her talking to me about "counting my cycle days" and GF having it on his tidal chart so they must have been doing family planning! I don't think she'd think of herself as a feminist but it goes without saying for her that men and women are equal.

Maternal GM was from a very well off family but their home was destroyed in WW2 and she married a philanderer who spent all her inherited money in casinos. She also worked as she had to pay for all childcare and didn't want to be in the home all day with DM and her brother. Mum had a pretty unhappy childhood and was judged a lot more harshly than I think my GM was. GM had been to university to study maths but all she wanted was my DM to be a hairdresser or beautician, despite mum wanting to do psychology. She was a very superficial person. My parents met at high school and mum's PiL paid for her to do her postgrad degree in the 1970s, her own parents thought it was "useless for a girl"!

My parents I think have modelled themselves on my dad's parents. Supportive of each other, work as a partnership and very supportive of my brother and I.

Interestingly DPs mum is only 73 but was one of 14, left school at 10 and is functionally illiterate. She's much more like a "grandma" than my one surviving paternal grandma, who's in her 80s but speeds around in her Mini cooper, likes a good spy movie and likes to send me gifs on "the facebook"!

My grandma had three children young whereas I had one child late. We were both working single mothers.

I think her employment opportunities were better than mine and she had more money than I do, but she was more intelligent, so that probably helped a lot. She also did a more useful degree. She remarried twice, whereas I don't feel the need to find anyone. I think her life was probably harder than mine, but more comfortable financially.

My grandmother was from an Irish traveller family, but re-invented herself as French aristocracy. She smoked cigars, and wore a Christian Dior turban with an emerald the size of my fist on it.

She married my grandfather (British, living in France) and from the age of 21 used her French-name (that she'd made up), and spoke only in a thick French accent "daaaaahliiink" (though spoke little/no french).

She died at 99, in a waft of Opium (perfume). Until she was in her mid 80's the whole family believed her to be French, it was only when the CPN (she had dementia) mentioned to my father that she had a 'delusion' that she was French that anyone found out she wasn't.

I do not pretend to be French aristocracy, and I have a real lack of fist sized emeralds in my life.

The biggest differences between my grandmother's and my life is access to education. It didn't matter how cleaver they were, they had no chance of a university education. They left school at 13/14 (as did my grandfathers and father). For my grandmothers and mother, university was not a choice, for me is was unusual but not impossible, for my daughter, it is expected.

I see many similarities though. My grandmother worked so hard to gain qualifications and responsibilities to improve her career, but she was always paid a fraction of a typical male wage. My mother, less than ten years ago had to fight for equal pay from the same employer. And I know I have been under paid because I am a women. The difference in pay wasn't as great as my grandmothers, but it's still there.

Access to free contraception is another big difference. I know they both had more children than they wanted.

My maternal grandmother was by far the brightest young mind in her year. She was sent to private school on a full scholarship, took a clerical job at a large hotel after school but was running the whole place within five years.

Then she fell in love with someone a lot less educated and with fewer economic prospects than herself, married him and spent the rest of her life being torn between her love for her husband and family and the fact that she was bored out of her mind as a wife and mother. So she thought she was doing her daughter a favour by not encouraging her ambitions too much.

My mum really wanted to be a doctor but ended up training as a teacher instead because this was seen as more appropriate for a girl. Then she had me and my sister and became the household manager, breadwinner and primary carer all at once due to my father's mental illness. She's always had a bit of a chip on her shoulder re. her prospects in life - even later on when she became a head teacher and later an expert practitioner in her field. I love her, but she started pushing us kids during labour and after more than 30 years hasn't noticed that it might be okay to stop now. It's had very different effects on us:

My sister is basically a professional lentil weaver. She currently lives with a village farmer in a third world country and is raising a family. She also has a PhD and spends a lot of time convincing herself that she's finding her life satisfying. She's very much re-enacting granny's life in that respect.

I've been climbing the corporate ladder ever since graduating. I'm the embodiment of what women in this family have aspired to be for generations. I'm also finding it very lonely at the top because, for all their aspirations, none of the others have actually gone there and none of them actually relate to my experiences nowadays. I'm sometimes very jealous of the way my mother and sister connect over 'failed' aspirations.

I've mentioned my paternal grandmother before, in connection with a daft argument someone advanced at university. Daft person (historian of technology) was advancing the thesis that "work expands to take the space available" and therefore domestic technology hadn't improved women's lives at all, all it had done was upped the standards of cleanliness. I pointed out that my life (washing machine) was a hell of a lot better than that of my grandmother and great aunt (they lived together after my granddad did a runner) - they had to do the washing, including sheets, by hand, by hauling water to the boiler, hauling coal to heat the boiler, thumping the sheets by hand (with a posher) then feeding them through the mangle. Absolutely fucking back breaking. I might wash my clothes after one wear, but in no way did putting them in the machine, pressing a button, pulling them out and hanging them over a clothes airer begin to compare. (Daft person's reply was "you've got it wrong, people in the 1940s used to send their sheets out to a laundry" - obviously she was doing the history of comfortably off middle class people's access to technology).

On the other hand, my paternal grandmother was a massive inspiration to me - incredibly strong woman who held down a job and fed the family all through my dad's childhood.

My maternal gran was one of eight children - two of her siblings died in a diptheria epidemic. Childhood vaccinations are another thing that has changed the world immeasurably. (Maternal grandmother also died of a systemic infection from a minor cut while my mum was in her late teens, only a handful of years before antibiotics became widely available).

A lot of great stories here. It's interesting that some of your grannies had careers, it was never an option for mine, or at least I don't think so. It is truly amazing how much we have jumped in such a short time.

My grandma (still reigning supreme at 96) is a member of the Italian aristocracy. She was the eldest child in a very wealthy military/diplomatic family. Had so many servants growing up, she can't name what they all did. Think Dowager duchess of Downton.

The only mod con she really values is the mobile phone. All the better to keep track of and control her current cohort of servants (and family).

Her DD (my mother) ran away to the colonies in the late 60's and married my father. Let's call him a non-aristocrat. It did not go over well.

So yes, my life is vastly different to my grandma's.

I recently suggested to her that if she'd been born in my era, she'd have been a terrific CEO of a major multinational. She looked wistful for a brief moment. It was very brief.

I didn't have a lot of options growing up so In some ways we weren't different there. The huge difference was that I've had control over when and how many babies I have. They were both unwed mothers. Both gave birth in catholic hospitals for unwed mothers surrounded by nuns. Both had more children than was really sensible. One definitely had more than she wanted.

Our lives aren't that different so far actually. Both with two sons, both university educated. The major differences are a result of our husbands. Grandmother's husband was a bit rubbish so she left him and was forced to work double time to support her family (doctor). I on the other hand have a lovely man, albeit a bit disorganised, so I have been able to stay at home with my children while they are young. Then of course I don't live under an oppressive regime the way that she did. But the differences aren't as stark as you described above.

I didn't have to go "into service" as soon as I was 15

I didn't get sent to work in a mill (literally risking life and limb)

I haven't grown up with my generation depleted of men - "maiden aunts" now are largely partner and / or childless out of choice (though I wonder how many of these women were actually lesbians who used the loss of men from two world wars as a convenient reason not to marry)

The main difference is choice.

My maternal gran was born in 1928 and was, by all accounts, a bit of a floozy . She married my grandad aged 25 as she was 6months pregnant. I don't think she would have married him otherwise. She had to leave her job and become a sahm. They had 8 kids (6 survived) and while she loved them i don't think she actually wanted any of them. But that choice wasn't there.

We cleared out her house when she moved into a home and found loads of old photos and letters from many different men (pre - marriage), and her dementia has given her a loose tongue and she happily tells me about 'stepping out' with a different lad every week and going dancing, etc. I often wonder how different her life would have been if she had access to contraception / abortion etc. I remember once, i was about 15/16 and thinking about uni / jobs and i said i just didn't know what to do!!! She just squeezed my hand and whispered "do everything....." i think she would have set the world on fire...

Obviously day to day would be very different due to us now having appliances and things. I once said 'oh i'll have to get my cleaning done this afternoon' and she replied 'you don't know your born, i had to clean all the time!'

She had 15 pregnancies, at least 11 children who lived and 9 children who made it to adulthood.

I had contraception.

I had education, university and a grant to go there. She left school at 13 and married at 16.

She had the same beliefs about God and the devil as a pre-enlightenment peasant. I'm an atheist.

She grew up in an occupied country and lived through a civil war in which her husband and brothers fought. I have only ever known peace.

Those are the main differences that immediately spring to mind.

I've only ever been pregnant when I've wanted to be. I've been able to continue working, my grandmother was summarily sacked from her job when she got pregnant. She always missed her work, and went back fifteen years later, invited to return by employers who thought highly of her.

My grandmother arrived at Liverpool St station as an unaccompanied 10 year old escaping the Holocaust in Germany and speaking 3 words of English. Her life was in genuine peril from the evils of Nazism whereas I have been able to feel comfortable and happy in my Anglo-Jewish identity and never feared death at the hands of racists. I feel very lucky.

Such an interesting thread. To think it's only a couple of generations ago. Multiple lost children.
How did they manage?

I've only had 3 miscarriages and 1 stillbirth, one of my Grandmothers lost a child every few months for 6 years between my mother and her brother. I've never been a refugee.

On the maternal side my Nan was the youngest girl of 13 children. She left school at 14 and married a plumber who beat the shit out of her for 20yrs until she divorced him in 1973. Despite everyone knowing what he was like she was ostracised by all her entire family and friends for having a divorce and she never changed her name back because she was ashamed of it.

Being functionally illiterate she didn't have a lot of options after her divorce, but managed to work in all sorts of jobs like biscuit packing, mig-welding, bike deliveries to feed her family.

Every time I went to visit her from the day I started work till the last time I saw her she would ask me if I still had my job, and I should never give it up and be dependant on man. It seemed to worry her a lot.

One of the stories she used to tell me was about when the pill was just made available. The doctor refused to prescribe it for her as he knew my granddad was a Catholic and he wouldn't approve. In response she took my two toddler uncles and chained herself to a pipe in the surgery and refused to move until she got her pill. She got it,, but she also got a caution for kicking the police officer that tried to cut her loose.

On the paternal side my Nan was a working class grammar school girl; she was incredibly smart and an appalling cook. After getting married to a factory worker and having children she worked as a seamstress specialising in wedding dresses until her arthritis meant she couldn't use her hands any more. She was quite well regarded by all accounts.

When she got older she spent her Saturday's in the pub with my Granddad; he played dominoes while she play the fruit machine. Later, they got an Amstrad CPC464 and she stayed at home playing fruit machine on that.

My paternal grandmother married young (16) to escape a controlling father, who reacted to my gran's unmarried sister getting pregnant by locking her in the house and never letting her leave again, contributing to her going mad. She moved from Wales to England with my grandfather when my dad was a baby, and stayed at home with my dad and his younger siblings. My granddad was a miner and during the miners strike she started working as a cleaner to make ends meet. She never owned a house, always lived in pit cottages or later sheltered accommodation. The pit cottage I remember was small, covered in coaldust no matter how many times she cleaned, and identical to every other cottage on the street.

My maternal grandmother was adopted as a small child and left school at 12 after her adopted mother told her she was old enough to earn a wage. So she lied about her age to get a job in a factory and worked there until she met my granddad and married him at 20. They moved in with one of his many sisters but my nan fell out with her so when my granddad came home from work, my nan had moved out and in with her aunt. They then moved to a mobile home and my mum was born there. My nan was really sick when she had my mum and the story is that my granddad said he didnt want her to go through that again so made sure he didn't get her pregnant. What probably happened is that she couldn't get pregnant again, because my sister and I both have a hereditary condition limiting our fertility, that is passed down from our mother, and she probably got it from our nan. Nan had to go back to work when my mum was small because my granddad was disabled and contracted TB. She had factory or cleaning jobs, and retired at 60. My granddad died when she was 40 and left her a young widow, she has never dated or been interested in meeting anyone else. She's now in her late 80s and has spent more of her life living alone than with someone. She's a home owner.

I suppose the main differences between my grandmothers and me are to do with expectations, education and careers. It was enough for them to leave school early with no qualifications and to work menial or manual jobs, because all they wanted to do was provide for their families, job satisfaction wasn't a consideration and education wasn't seen as essential. My granddad may not have died young if medicine had been as far advanced as it is today. My father didn't lock me up when I got pregnant unmarried, and I had a childhood.