4 yo dd told me today her thighs are too fat. Please give me some advice and feminist wisdom!

[ComeOnKenneth]

And I don't know what to do to address this. I'm so disappointed and upset to hear her say this. (In society, not in her!)

She also said that although she knows I think she is beautiful, she thinks she is not. I asked her why and she said she has moles (she has two tiny ones, both not visible when dressed) and no one else has moles and she doesn't like them. I love her moles - to me they are wonderful and I have told her that many times.

I have always taken great care not to emphasise looks and appearance (she is very striking looking, so I think she gets enough of that from people outside her family), I dont diet, don't talk about weight or appearances in general and try and emphasise what bodies do rather than what they look like. I have also taken many opportunities to talk about how we are all different, and special. I told her this again and said that everyone is different and there is no single way for a body to look- they are all "right" and how they are meant to be.

She is going through a phase of being much more aware of appearances (the words "pretty", "cute" and "sweet" come up a lot - I usually call her on them and say I don't think they suit her/ me as they are a bit silly and not strong enough, and I would use beautiful / powerful instead. I then go straight onto emphasise beauty is only one attribute she has).

So my question is, how do I handle this? I feel so worried that, despite my best efforts, she is already coming out with these statements and thoughts, has already internalised hatred of her own body. She is - biased parent alert - so beautiful, and it breaks my heart to hear this crap come out of her mouth. Can any of you wiser, more experienced people help me with this?

I'm sorry not to have any advice, but how on earth does a 4 year old have any awareness of body image like this? Is it from other adults? Can she articulate where she has heard similar things from?

I'd say keep doing what you're doing as it all sounds like the right messages to be giving her. Hopefully your influence will begin to take precedence over the other messages she's getting.

I wouldn't overreact and validate the comment. I think I'd be tempted top ,squash her into a tickly cuddle and kiss her all over and tell her she was the most beautiful, prettiest, cleverest little girl in the whole world and that I was going to blow raspberries on her beautiful thighs until she told me she loved me too. Or similar.

Keep on about what her body can do. Her thighs need to be that size in order to hold up the rest of her body, and they are a perfect size for their job etc. she may be testing the waters - my dd does this sometimes - but hold the line and don't get pulled into debates about fat/not fat. Emphasise that her body does exactly what it needs to do - which is to get her around - and beyond that, its precise size and shape is irrelevant.

I also wondered where she has picked this up, I have a 5 yo and a 3yo, almost 4 and they are not aware of fat thighs being a thing. I would say the 5 yo understands that people can get fat but to him that means very large he wouldn't/hasn't noticed it in children or really in any adults he knows. He does sometimes get concerned about being healthy but I know that is from things I have said about certain foods only in moderation.

She is hearing or picking up on something. Does she have older cousins?

Hi, thanks for your reply.

That's what throws me too. Who on earth has she heard talking like this? I pressed her on it but she wouldn't / couldn't say. She says she thinks she heard it at nursery, and named another (younger) child, which I don't believe. It's not any adults I know well (family, friends), but I could suspect she has overheard adults talking at nursery or preschool. She's very observant and quick to pick things up - although sadly not very forthcoming about who and where!

She originally told me it as "everyone says my thighs are too fat". She is going through a phase of fibbing, plus dramatising / acting / make believe, and I was certain that hadn't happened (for a start, she is built like a racing snake so even if somoney had tried to bully her I can't believe they would pick there to start!). I told her i didnf believe that, and then asked where she heard someone talking like that. She said she didn't know.

No, lucked, no.older cousins she sees regularly.

Thanks phoolani, I will keep trying that.

I've done similar in the past re: trying to minimise it, crumbs. I'll do that as well some of the time.

Thanks everyone, appreciate the replies.

what about puzzlement/incredulity?
'too fat DD? how can thighs be too fat? too fat for what exactly?
....too fat for your trousers?....no, they fit fine
...too fat to run with?...no, you are a great runner
etc

Best to emphasise how well her body serves her. They are good legs, they got her all the way up that hill last week and help her move forward when swimming. So they must be strong, coordinated.

Think this is one of the difficult things about having girls. My 8 year old DD has been told by the girls at school that she has chubby thighs, luckily she seems pretty resilient to it!

I have always told things like "look at your strong, powerful body. You're beautiful!" However I was reading an article about research on body image that said women with the best body confidence were brought up where family didn't mention that kind of thing at all. So who knows!

I follow a page on Facebook called A Mighty Girl which has really good articles and book recommendations for these kind of things. Bit American but if you follow the links on Amazon you can usually find other similar books.

With my 4yr-old I would assume she doesn't know what it means and she is repeating the phrase to see if she can figure it out from your reaction. I would use the responses others have mentioned -- they hold up your body and help you run fast. I also say (more when a child comments on a stranger's appearance) "People come in all shapes and sizes. It would be boring if we were all the same."

newtlover I love that! She has a great sense of humour, she will get the joke too.

Sorry to hear your DD has been told that, ouch. I have seen A Mighty Girl but haven't yet ordered anything from it (books etc). I think they have a couple on body image. I'm from a family who doesn't mention bodies much, and although I do have my hang ups I'm not one to discuss them and I tend to take the view that appearances aren't all that important. I guess I was hoping that would override whoever she has been listening to!

She has been doing lots of new activities this week and I did say to her they have strong muscles to help her climb and run and swim and that what she is seeing when she sits down is her muscles, which are vital to help her do the things she loves. She did get that I think.

My daughter came home from her first day of school to tell me that another girl told her her legs were too fat.
The next day I saw the girl that said this. She had ears like a taxi with the doors wide open. It was hard to take the moral high ground.

Maybe she thinks you mean you don't think she is pretty (or good enough) when you pick up on or challenge those words being used? Just a thought.

I always say that girls shape will change as they develop, gaining fat around their legs and tummy (as this is factual) a design which was meant to give them an evolutionary advantage for having babies in the future if they want to. And that there are distinct different body types, like ectomorph, mesomorph etc. (Too much for your dd age of course).

I think something like saying 'you're small, because you are 4, I am medium size, because i am grown now' , or 'you are medium child size because you are 4, I am medium adult size' - kind of helping her classify in a 4 year old way and let her know growing is good and to expect change. I prefer medium because it seems to remove value from size labels - like valuing small/tall or disparaging fat/thin, although of course she will notice if she is on an extreme (of course there is always someone in the world taller/smaller)

Ugh. I know the problem from a teenager's point of view; I had a hard time getting used to my thighs when they put on fat during puberty, but a 4 year old? Unbelievable. The poor child, she shouldn't have had ANY opportunity to pick up this shit! At that age, I am not sure I even thought about my thighs at all!

Can't give any helpful advice, but think asking what exactly her thighs are supposed to be too fat for is good.
Use the opportunity to teach her critical thinking: Who says this? Why should they get to decide this? Are there any objective criteria to determine when thigs are too fat? What might they be? Do the people who say this have a reason to lie? What reason could they have?

I'd be tempted to minimise all of it. Good or bad. If pushed, newtlover has the right idea. But emphasising strength, function, etc, although a positive image, just gives the issue attention.