Single Mums Vs Single Dads

[NKFell]

There's a man who picks up his 2 children (5/6 DD and 8/9 DS) from school and hobbies and always has done (apart from the odd occasion) but in the past month or so and he's become the talk of the school gates and the hobby clubs. The 'poor man' has been left by his wife and because she serves in the military he has custody- informally. He told me himself it made more sense their permanent home being his house with their Mum travelling a lot.

The man himself is fine, I had a chat with him and he seems nice enough and it all doesn't seem like a massive deal to him- more common sense.

The chatter about it all is driving me mad about the poor children, the poor man, how will he cope, the heartless Mother, the daughter's hair(!). He must be finding it difficult being all alone- "it's different for men"..."especially with a daughter". The Dad's at the hobbies are talking about what a bad Mother, 'how could a Mother leave her children' etc.

He might be a 'poor man' with regard to his relationship, I don't know the circumstances. I don't see why he has now become some sort of hero for looking after his own 2 children oh and the poor children, 'especially the girl'.

I'm a single Mum with 4 children- 3 of them boys so, I probably am more prickly than some but I don't understand for the life of me why he is a hero when single Mums aren't and are often looked down upon.

I really just wanted to vent!

You know he's not a hero, you know he's doing what all other single parents do, no more no less. It's equally as unpleasant that the mother is being cast as heartless, when it seems a very sensible decision to leave the children settled with their dad.

If you can bear it, you could gentle challenge people when they come out with these things. Ask them why they think that, and why they think that a dad can't have a good relationship with a girl. Doing hair isn't rocket science nor an innate female skill. Presumably these parents are also thinking about the dad having to discuss issues around girls and puberty, and are assuming the daughter will be embarrassed. You could challenge them on that. I'd point out that any daughter might need to speak to her dad about periods or other things like that, as their mums might not be available at that particular moment.

It's all bound up in stereotypical attitudes of women being somehow innately caring, and men not. So any transgression by women is seen as awful, and any transgression by men is seen as noble, as they are having to do tasks seen stereotypically as of lesser value. The people spouting this twaddle are showing you they hold sexist viewpoints about men and women.

It is a very common pattern, sadly. Men being lauded as heroes for doing normal stuff that women do all the time.

I wonder what they say about you, OP. If he's a hero for caring for two children on his own, you must be even more awesome for managing to take care of 4, and three of them boys!
But .. probably they don't even notice.

I'd point out that any daughter might need to speak to her dad about periods or other things like that, as their mums might not be available at that particular moment.

I never felt any need to shelter my father from the fact that women have periods. Never needed to discuss more than "Oh, shit, I don't have pads and now can't leave the house without one, can you go get some for me?", though.

People never ask what single mothers do when their sons enter puberty. Which is weird, as I'd think discussing erections and all that would be a lot more embarrassing than periods.

To one of the Mums who I'm more friendly with I did challenge it but she says I often sound sexist so to be honest, it's like banging my head against a brick wall.

Periods aren't embarrassing, my own Dad doesn't find them embarrassing but crikey I do hope I won't have to go into too much detail about erections!

Even today this guy's name has come up and it's really irritating me. What do they want the answer to be, his ex leaves her job to be with children...but when her and her husband were together she was presumably away a lot so then should Mothers not be allowed to join the military. Surely they're all terrible bad people, unlike absent Fathers.

This always grates on me!

And when a man does something fairly small for their children they are applauded but yet a mum getting on with day to day care is 'just a mum'

Oh and everyone is wondering how he manages with work. Presumably the same way he managed before and without sounding too bitter the same way as me!

I might start stamping my feet...why does he get to be hero and I don't! I'd look good in a cape.

Totally agree. Single mums are considered to be imoral slappers (with the exception of widowed / partner died) but single dads are lauded regardless of the circumstances which led to them becoming single dads in the first place. It is sickening and unfair

This sort of thing drives me mad and I agree that being a single mum definitely has a stigma whereas you are lauded as some sort of hero if you're a single dad. Strange how the double standard flies right over some people's heads.

This is quite common usually from women who cluck about them it is so irritating he is being a parent just correct people on it. I did at wotk once we get single mothers to our place all the time and a single dad walked in and he was treated like the Messiah

Tbf the dad was fine a nice guy and didn't expect special treatment was other women i did point it out that he wasn't god almighty

This Dad is alright, we were mainly talking about the hobby our two boys do together.

The other Dad's focus on how mean the Mother must be and the Mum's really do treat him like the Messiah!

DH isn't single but did more playgroups/activities when the kids were small because I worked more.

He was constantly told how well he'ld done to bring the kids to playgroup… by women who also manageed to make it to playgroup… but well done him

He found it really annoying and patronising, the things he was praised for weren't rocket science.

not that he'ld turn down genuine praise IYKWIM, we all like to hear that we're doing okay

I think it stems from women who put up with shitty unhelpful partners justifying it to themselves by proclaiming useful fathers they see about as "exceptional".

It's the dad equivalent of men who are horrible an disrespectful to their girlfriends calling men who are nice to their partners "under the thumb" and "pussywhipped"