Dancing Dilemmas

[ElinorRigby]

I have been going to dance classes for over a year ago and have recently started going to socials. It's dancing with a partner so there are 'leads' and 'follows'. Typically men lead and women follow though some people can do both. When you're learning it's easier just to do one. So far I can only follow. Also women can ask men to dance at a social, but women will only tend to ask blokes they know and feel safe with to dance.

I am a reasonable dancer. I have a basic sense of rhythm and can follow quite well - especially with a decent lead.

There's a social 'scene' so people who have been around for some time, and go to lots of classes and are generally extrovert will know each other. I'm more of a one class a week person.

Essentially I've noticed that it's the younger women who get asked to dance more, even if they're less experienced dancers.

I also find myself doing stuff I don't normally do when preparing for a dance. I'll wear a dress and tights. I'll shave under my arms, if I'm wearing a sleeveless dress. I make myself look conventionally attractive, if you like - as that way I think I'll get asked to dance more.

I even caught myself wondering if I might try dying my hair, in order to look younger and attract more dance partners.

The other potential hindrance is that I go to dances with my husband. I think there is a perception that therefore I am his 'property' and it is more risky to ask me to dance. (We dance together quite a bit, but would also aim to dance with others. It would be unusual just to dance with the person you came with.)

I should say that I'm on the late side of my mid-fifties. I'm physically fit and probably look younger than I am. (But obviously I don't look like a young woman.)

On one level it's a bit depressing. I think one way of getting more partners is to socialise more and get to know more people and go to more classe.. But dressing 'young' and 'feminine' helps in this context.

The obvious solution would be to ask men to dance instead of trying to attract them by trying to appear younger?

Or, actually, learn to lead and ask women to dance. In short, break the rules. Though I'd understand if you aren't daring enough for this.

(Dancing is strangely conventional in who you dance with - like, why do women generally not dance with each other? Surely, the conflict about who leads is easily solved by talking.)

Women do dance with each other a certain amount - the kind of dance I do is lindy/swing - and I have been asked to dance by women, and enjoy dancing with them.

I suppose it's partly that leads tend to be less proficient at following, and follows less good at leading. The skills aren't quite the same though rhythm/musicality are important for both parts.

So I could learn to lead but at the moment I'm trying to focus on being a good/better follow.

(I think it did just occur to me. Oh I wonder if I put a washout dye on my hair, so it looks grey whether more blokes would ask me to dance... Which was a depressing thought. But it'd be quicker and easier to do than learning to lead.)

What's stopping you asking the men to dance? You say it's common.
Seems like the easy (and accepted) option is to ask yourself, and the more difficult (and depressing) option is to try and look younger.
It might be not so much that people think you're your husband's property, but that they think you already have a partner?
Or maybe they are interested in meeting single women - "start a new hobby" is often touted as a way of singles to meet new people.

I do ask men, but it's easier if they are men I already know - rather than walking up to total strangers.

I think it's a complicated set of social skills (not to mention dance skills). So there's a vague terror of the strange bloke you ask being someone who isn't easy to dance with - perhaps trying fancy moves or not being a good lead.

The question was inspired by going to a dance in a group - my husband, my dance teacher, two younger women with about my level of dance experience and me. The two younger women got asked to dance a lot more than I did...

NB. There's a 'safety in swing' code. So if you do end up someone to dance and they're creepy/lecherous you can report them to the dance organisers.

I do Ceroc dancing which is very similar, tbh. I go* on my own (my DH doesn't dance) and it is not often I am asked to dance during the freestyle sections (between classes and last hour). I'm mid-30s, not unattractive, and have been dancing for years. I do occasionally ask men to dance, but as I'm naturally shy, I have to build up to it, but then I get so despondent when I don't get asked, I end up sitting there and leaving early. I have tried sitting with other groups, but nobody includes me. I have tried getting there early and purposely choosing a seat where a group sits, to have them surround me and ignore me, and I have tried to get friends come along so I have my own group, but nobody is wanting to. I don't know what to suggest, because it's not just you.

*I used to go. It's been well over a year since I last went. I want to go, but need to psyche myself up for it as though I enjoy the classes, I find the freestyle bits very lonely. I do enjoy Ceroc, and need to kick my arse into going back.